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He thinks I'm cheating, but I'm not.

Tagged as: Cheating, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 July 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 9 January 2012)
A female United States age 22-25, *adAboutHim123 writes:

[Mod Note: OP title]

Ok, so this is the deal. My boyfriend and i have been going out for a year and 4 months. We met on myspace and live 3,000 miles apart. I cheated on him when we first got together i dont know what i was thinking but it happened and i lied to him about it for a long long time i wouldn't confess up to it and he knew that there was something else going on. I cut out all of my friends and everyone that i use to hang out with to show my new faithfulness to him and i have been working on being more sensitive to the way we are. Now it's already been a year since i cheated on him and a year since i actually finally told him what had happened. We've been having trust issues since i cheated on him. He says that he forgives me and everything but he still doesn't know if he can trust me. I completely understand that. Through out the year a lot has happened. I went to where he lives for a little over a week after i came out and told him the truth. Then i came back home and he came to where i live for a month for our birthdays and while he was here we went to my sister in law's birthday party and i wasn't feeling too good so i was inside most of the time and he started accussing me of cheating on him when i wasn't by this time i've told him absolutely everything and im totally and completely committed to being with him for the rest of my life.

Yesterday my parents went on a little vacation for just one night they were gone. My aunt and uncle and grandma live with me. So i was not home alone. We see each other over Skype. He told me to wait for him and he would call me when he got in because he had gone to his brothers house. So i waited and he called and said it would only be a little longer. Well, while i was waiting for him i fell asleep. I mean i knocked out good. And he was trying to call me and tell me that he was home and to get on skype but i didn't hear my phone ring. so this was at about 12:30am and i didn't wake up till about 2:45am and when i woke up i had 13 missed calls and he had called me on skype and sent me messages and i had text and voice messages from him saying that it's over that he's done. He still doesn't trust me but i've done soooooo much to show him that im in love with him and that i want to be with him for the rest of our lives.He says that he doesnt want a relationship with me and he would rather be friends. I didn't cheat on him i was asleep. Can anyone help? I dont know what to do i dont want to lose the love of my life because i fell asleep.

View related questions: myspace, sister in law, text

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A female reader, MadAboutHim123 United States +, writes (9 January 2012):

MadAboutHim123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We have been broken up since December 2010 and I couldn't be happier! I'm back in college and having the time of my life with friends and family! Thanks for the advice I appreciate it and now realize how precious life is and how much he was holding me back! Thanks again!!!

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A female reader, Oregongrl1 United States +, writes (29 July 2010):

He is the type that can not forgive you! and it will not change? all you 2 are doing is living in the moment walking on egg shells and further more you don't have to give up your friends because you cheated on him! so you now need to focus all your attention on him because of that, you have your head on so backwards. he either forgives you and moves past it or move on... i know that you never forget it but forgiveness is not easy, but you can do it if you truly love one another. loving one another is easy but showing it is harder and that is what makes your relationship stronger each day and have gone through something like that. and if he has really forgiven you your relationship would be stronger and he wouldn't be checking up on you. i think people or couples live more by using words then they live by their actions so what iam telling you he has never forgiven you or he would not be acting like this! and for you maybe it is a lesson learned that you have realized what comes from cheating. we are not perfect and we all make mistakes some that we dearly pay for and pay for but we don't need to be dehumantized for it. i think you need to move on.... you have paid dearly for yours and hold your head up and tell him so i mean what does he exspect you to do? to prove to him that you are truly sorry and that you do love him! don't live like this you will get past it! let him get past it in what ever way he needs to on his own he aint going to change i promise you that!

Good Luck!

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (5 July 2010):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHere is my advise or opinion, in case you missed it the first time:

You have cut out contact with your friends for him, but you need to socialise and mix with other people in this life you have been given, your lifestyle is not healthy, him ruling your life from 3000 miles away is not healthy. This man's control of you is not healthy. His constant accusations are not healthy.

In fact, this whole shebang of a relationship is not healthy. View the fact he is not responding to your attempts to contact him as a lucky break, think about any lessons you can take from this relationship and learn from them.

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A female reader, MadAboutHim123 United States +, writes (5 July 2010):

MadAboutHim123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

He asked me to be his girlfriend in Feb. and i cheated on him in May. We hadn't met in person yet. We didn't meet till July when i went over there. It's been a couple of days now and it looks like he still doesn't want to have a relationship with me. I'm really depressed about it all. I hate myself for cheating on him in the first place and misleading him and losing his trust. I dont know what to do. I've been calling him and i thought about my behavior in these past couple of days and i haven't been the best girlfriend to him. I've been acting like a kid. I've been having health problems and it makes me irritable so i tend to act up. I miss him so much. I hate myself. I dont know what i should do. I love him. We lived together for a month and it was like living a dream. Every moment was heaven. I just want him back i didn't do anything i've been being faithful to him. I dont even see any other men when i go to the store or to dinner with my family or anything my eyes are for him and only him. It's crazy i've never felt like this for anyone before in my life. Please help me. Any advice is much appreciated.Thanks

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A male reader, GabeP United States +, writes (4 July 2010):

Here's the deal. You say you "cheated on him" when you "first got together". In this context, what does getting together even mean? Had you already announced that you didn't intend to date other people, or that you were dating, or that you were in a committed relationship?

The problem here is expectations. You two don't really know each other at all and you haven't had the opportunity to work out reasonable expectations for how you'll treat each other. I won't say that it's impossible to do that on the internet, but it's pretty darn difficult, particularly when Skype is the primary means of interfacing with the guy. The problem with having a relationship on Skype is that a problem with Skype easily becomes a problem with the relationship. And why? Because a problem on the phone with a phone boyfriend will end up feeling the same as an in person boyfriend who thinks you're avoiding him.

I tend to agree with BimBim - this situation is unhealthy. I think you should either put an end to it or have a frank, honest, and long conversation in which you try to hammer out exactly what the expectations in this "relationship" are.

Best of luck - I did long distance for a year and a half and it kinda stunk. I knew the girl very well before that, but it ain't easy.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (4 July 2010):

Aunty BimBim agony auntYou met on myspace and live 3000 miles apart. You have cut out all your friends and everyone else you used to hang out with for somebody 3000 miles away.

Sweetheart, listen, you need to socialise and mix with other people in this life you have been given, your lifestyle is not healthy, him ruling your life from 3000 miles away is not healthy. This man's control of you is not healthy. His constant accusations are not healthy.

In fact, this whole shebang of a relationship is not healthy.

Remove yourself from this relationship, try and connect with all your friends and other people you have cut contact with, try and rebuild your social networks, get some friends, go out, hang out, talk face to face, and forget this person.

Good luck!

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