A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I really need blunt advise on this, the last thing I want is to appear as an idiot.This year has been very difficult for me and after breaking up with my ex-bf three months ago, i do not feel like dating for a while. He broke my heart and hurt me more than i thought it was possible. To be honest I am still in love with him. But I still want to have sex and I am not into ONS. I do not like to go out and I prefer to use my weekends doing things I really like instead of getting wasted with random guys.Two months ago I met this guy at a party and we slept together. I liked him. He is a party animal, probably a player but funny. I do not like him in a romantic way though. He seems to be a nice person but not the kind of person i could like this way. So it feels safe.I contacted him a few weeks later and we met up again. We went out for drinks and we slept together again. It was awesome but again, no interest in more than that. I guess he is not interested either.The problem is we texted quite a bit and despite he always tried to make plans to get together again he flakes. Actually he asked me to go out last week and i didn't hear from him since then. I got very upset but just because we had plans and he didn't even cancel !I do not know if he is just NOT interested in a FWB situation or if he thought i was more interested than I really am and he just wants to put distance. We have never discussed what we want and we barely know each other so it feels awkward. I am sure he is also sleeping with a bunch of girls but not my problem anyway.What do you think ? Do you think that this can be fixed or after the argument we had last week he is done ? I told him to contact me if he feels like meeting up but I am afraid he thinks i want to date .. and I don't !!!!!Thank you ! Please be honest, i do not want to neither bother him nor ridicule myself. Specially because we have friends in common ..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): At the moment your life DOES seem to revolve around sex,and also seems to be a reason your ex turned nasty on you. his reason for that we dont know, but I dont believe it came out of nowhere. You need some kinda help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Why are some people so quick to call others without any knowledge or background? Your ex is not here to defend himself or say his side of the story. It is wrong to put the blame on any individual without facts
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): Try online dating.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (18 December 2011):
 "I do not expect anything good from anyone"
Opps.. this type of thinking changes a lot of things. FWB is one thing, when your not ready for a relationship, but strong enough to make sensible choices not clouded by emotions like love. But a FWB as a way to protect your heart and to stop yourself from falling in love.. that's a completely different thing.
If you've been hurt badly by a guy, hanging around with a player who doesn't respect you, will just make you hate yourself even more. You can't let one man ruin your life, there's billions of them out there, and just because you meet two bastards doesn't mean the rest aren't nice.
I'm not sure this idiot guy is right for you to waste time with. If he doesn't make the effort, you'll just start thinking bad about yourself. How about a break, get a vibrator, and get away from all men for a while. Going from one lousy guy to another lousy guy, just makes the world look negative and black.
Don't chase the man, why should you, your more important than that.. and yes, the right man will come, bring love and kindness, but you got to build yourself up, you got to create the kind of woman that a guy like that will beg for. Love between two people is the greatest thing. But can only work if you both meet as strong equals. Giving yourself to men who show no respect will destroy you inside.
Take a break, sex can be done alone, and it's only been 3months, give yourself a while to get over the heartache and get strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011):
I'm sorry you were hurt by your ex bf, he sounds like a really horrible person.
You seem to be trying to use sex as a band-aid for a major heartbreak here and I don't think it's going to work. You need to look at whatever it is you're feeling and go through the pain on your own. Forget about being a modern woman going after sex only for now and think about what is emotionally healthy for you at this time. Take care of yourself.
I don't think the fwb is someone who can be expected to be "reliable". Some men lose their attraction quickly once they have sex with you and or you are a "given" or too easy- they like a challenge. He also could feel because you were angry with him about not keeping a date that you want more from him.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (18 December 2011):
Your reply about your breakup with your x is very contradictory and confusing and I think you may have unresolved issues prior to everything mentioned. I would not enter any fwb set ups for now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I am interested in knowing what led to your break up. Neither can I critisize your ex without any background. I think this is far more important than anything else right now and this fwb is its output.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. No, I haven't post about this is the past. It is actually the first time.My ex-bf broke up with me out of the blue. He said that he was that nice because he just wanted to sleep with me because I am hot. He was mean and disrespectful, he insulted me and told me that I was a fool thinking he could love me. It was completely unexpected. I trusted him and I was happy with him. He said I was giving too much importance to sex, that it was nothing. He changed me completely, he destroy my heart and now, sadly, I do not expect anything good from anyone. I came across him in the street and he didn't even say hi. This guy is no one. I do not care about him and I do not find in him qualities to even be friends. I thought it was ok to be fwb as he is not interested romantically either. I just wanted to fill a void, to be with someone who cannot hurt me. To just have fun and make me forget about the person I really love. This guy is very affectionate and funny and when we slept together he seemed "interested". Really.Again, I do not want to date him, just a casual sex thing. And I was upset not because I care about him but because i could have other plans. The fact that it is casual doesn't mean being disrespectful. I keep my word even with strangers. This is why I was annoyed. And yes, I would sleep with him again because I like him and I am lazy to find someone else.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 December 2011):
I'm not the moral police, so I'm not here to tell you to fall in love, get married and all that nonsense. I'm always confused by the anger/hate shown to women who act in similar ways to men where sex and love are concerned. Your not an "easy lay", that kind of thinking went out with the dark ages, people sometimes forget in the 21st century women have contraception, jobs, money and property, and can very easily do without a full time man dragging them down. Your clear what you want, a sexual relationship, no love, no romance, just a way to get your rocks of with someone who thinks in a similar way..
Nope no problems there.... The guy keeps cancelling, well, then he's bloody useless for what you want. You can't have a sex only, no emotions relationship if the bloody man keeps standing you up. That will make you angry and upset, and anger is an emotion.. much too messy.
I say dump him, he's wasting your time. Who cares what he thinks, or if he's in love, all you want is good sex and a man that can make an appointment on time.
If he really is that good, and there are no alternatives, then I guess you'll have to put up with him messing you around. Guys who are players with lots of girls, often aren't organised enough to carry a diary, and if they miss seeing you, they always have a backup plan and can call someone else.
Sorry babes, it's either walk away or put up with this man who is often missing or late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): I don't think you're cut out for fwb and this man doesn't seem to want that if it includes him giving anything more than sex when he feels like it which he doesn't anymore obviously. Why don't you just pleasure yourself until something better comes along and until you've healed and then you don't have to deal with douches like him and your ex?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 Yeah, he sees you as no strings attached sex. Unfortunately, due to the argument and your big scolding of him, he also sees you as drama/high maintenance. This is why he's not interested in you anymore.
I want to address something else though. How long will you let your ex of three months ago run your life? You shouldn't run around sleeping with other people if you're still raw from the breakup, because it'll just turn you hard and bitter. I know you need sex, but you don't seem wired for the FWB thing. It sounds like you're trying to protect yourself and passive aggressively strike out at your ex by trying to devalue the men you sleep with. You know, try to make it casual and hold them at arm's length.
Keep your ill feelings directed towards your ex. If you pay it forward and mistreat a new guy, it won't help you any. You seem like someone capable of giving so much love. You're beautiful and caring, and no guy in his right mind should ever throw you away. Your ex is a moron, and you're better than this FWB life.
Time to really start healing. Take the dating world slow when you're ready, because from what you sound like, you're not really one for the easy-throw away sex life. And don't let your ex ruin your future chances at a real heart connection with someone. He's less than worth it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): You are far more in need of him than he is you. Would your ex not come if you explained you only want his magic stick? I am assuming he doesnt know about this guy though. This other guy isnt too bothered about you so forget him. I am a male and i assure you most wont turn down easy sex, so forget him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 He's not a precious, frail piece of porcelain, he's just some potential FWB, i.e. a guy with a dick and ( maybe ) the will to share it with you. Not such a rare good, therefore you don't need to overthink this or to handle it with to much care and finesse.
No he did not think that you thought that he thought etc.etc.
He probably has not given to the matter a quarter of the atttention you did. He's a player, that's his M.O.- he "sees " a bunch of girls, makes plans with one, then something ( or someone ) better comes up last minute- he'll just won't show up without bothering to cancel, explain or apologize. It's just sex , after all.
Not unusual for a casual hook up- suspected player , even if with FWB potential . If you say that this level of rude " whateverness " is too much for ANY kind of human interaction, sexual or not, I can't but agree with you.
But he probably does not agree , that's why he probably got miffed about being criticized for his behaviour. Some people , when they say " casual ", really mean it: VERY casual. Like, I see you when I see you if I see you.No questions asked.
Not your cup of tea ? Give it a miss. You can handle it ? Then to " fix " the situation you just have to reverse the roles : YOU call him when you are horny. YOU give him a place and time where to show up with short notice. HE's the one who misses the boat indefinitely if he does not show up in time- you don't call him back or text him to find out what happened, you don't take his calls of messages if he calls. If you are horny again, you may give him another chance or two, but always only at your terms and conditions. In other words, you should take the driver 's seat , it's the only way this type of thing may be other than a source of frustration .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Have you written on this twice before? If so then give up, if not still give up because if a man wants sex again, he wont mess about. He is probably a player, he`s done you so now he`s doing others. You are going to have to find another who`s willing to give it to you because he does not want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): You wont appear as an idiot. You will appear as too easy. I suspect he see's you as a dirty woman. I'm not trying to be bitchy, i'm trying to make you see it as it looks from a different angle. If the man wanted sex with you,he would waste no time. I would forget this one. Spend time to work on getting some self respect into yourself. I am interested to know the reason your relationship broke down. Why was you so quick to have sex with someone you hardly know? Was it a moral issue?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Arguement? Sorry trying to see when you had an arguement, about him making plans with you and then not following through? Sounds like he deliberately did that to test you out and you acted like a GF so he booted it.
Find someone else that is more trustworthy, to use that term lightly.
Someone who will do the weekday or late evening booty call. THEN, don't do the daily texting. Thats is a FWB no no. Keep it strictly about SEX. Try to keep any apperances of 'dating' publicaly to a minimum.
Its just supposed to be about having fun, SAFE, sex with someone without jealousy, outside concerns.
As soon as you start to relate to the guy and wonder about him more and more and wonder what he does with his spare time- END IT.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): Why are you prepared to give yourself to someone knowing he does not want a relationship with you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): A blunt answer? Okay then. An easy lay is very unattractive and something most guys will not stick around for. Once or twice fair enough but not when there are girls with better standards out there. He may even be embarrassed of people knowing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): He will see you as very easy and its likely that is what has put him off you.
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