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He tells me that I'm special, but doesn't make me feel like I am

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 20 July 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

So I've been with my boyfriend for a long time now. He would always call me pretty and beautiful. It would make me feel so special. Recently though during a normal conversation which escalated to him telling me about who he thinks the hottest person in our grade was. Immediately after, I realized that he obviously wasn't talking about me. We even played 20 questions for me to find out who it is.

He caught on to how I was feeling and realized that he shouldn't have said anything to me. My first reaction was obviously sadness and anger, but I realized that me being sad and angry wouldn't change anything. So we talked a bit more. I kept on asking who It was but in order to "protect my feelings" he wouldn't answer. He said that it wouldnt do any good anyways becuase it's not gonna change how he thinks of her.

It then turned into him telling me that he had preferred blondes (I'm a brunette) and he started giving me "reality checks" like you won't always be the prettiest or the hottest and i dont know why he had to say that because i dont boast. I already have a really low slef esteem.

I know it sounds kinda childish but it really hurt my feelings because he used to make me feel so special, like I was the best thing ever. He kept on apologizing and I still wouldn't get over it after 2 weeks. I don't know what to do. He's been apologizing so much and be really wants me to get over it.

My friends are telling me that he's a butt and I should take all the time I need since he was being so rude. I said that I already forgave him but since he hasn't told me the name of the person he thinks the hottest is, I'm still kinda not over it. Does that make any sense? Anyways I don't know what to do. He's so sweet and calls me his entire world but sometimes he doesn't make me feel as special as I thought I was to him. I know that I should be grateful since even if he thinks she's the hottest, he still loves me instead of her but I just don't know how to feel about this situation. I said I would get over it because I felt so bad since he kept on apologizing but I think about it all the time.

And now my low self esteem is lower than before. I know that I shouldn't let what he says go to my head since he's probably going to give me more of his "reality checks" but please I just need some help or clarity on what to do because my mind is scattered around this problem. What do you guys suggest I do? Thank you so much

View related questions: self esteem

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 July 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAt some point in life you will realize that it is not about being the hottest. Just because he thinks some girl is the hottest girl doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with her or that he loves her. You are both still very young and you will come up against these things and realize that he does look at other women. He could have handled the situation better but that's life am afraid.

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A female reader, Miss.Cupid United States + , writes (14 July 2017):

Miss.Cupid agony auntAm I the only one that doesnt see this as a big deal?

Why ask a question you don't want answers to?

To be honest with you I've asked this my ex before and he said I was in the top three (meaning there were two more girls above me) now of course we've broken up since but not because of that lol. It's a question you've asked and you shouldn't be hurt to find out the answer. I don't know how old you are but at the end of the day someone will always have the prettier teeth than you, or longer hair than you that doesn't mean you're any less beautiful.

Please don't think too hard into the answer he's given you. I'm sure he loves you very much. I mean he could of been cute about it and said only you baby(then again so could my ex lol) but you'll be fine. There's no actual definition of beautiful or hot. Everyone is their own beautiful, sexy, hot, etc. Please don't let this ruin your self esteem... At least you're not in the top three. lol

Good Luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2017):

It's not childish for you to feel this way. He did this on purpose to hurt you. This is his sneaky little way to lower your self-esteem. For some reason, maybe because his self-esteem is low or maybe it's a power/control move, he needs to put you down, to make you feel inadequate and lesser-than.

Would you give him reality checks and would he put up with that? He'd likely dump you in a New York minute!

I don't care how many apologies you get from him, you won't and shouldn't get over it. Most women I know have had this kind of abuse from a man at sometime in their life and we don't forget.

You don't deserve this and he doesn't deserve you. You're young and will have other opportunities with men. Just make sure you keep your standards high and find someone who is worthy of you. Don't settle for anything less.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2017):

What an absolute bastard. No you shouldn't get over it. He should get the hell out of your life.

Imagine this the other way around. Would you EVER say or do anything like this to him? Would you talk about who you think is the hottest guy and make him guess who it is and then put him down giving him 'reality checks'? For God's sake.

Why do you think you have to put up with this, get used to this? Why do you think that you deserve to listen to anymore of his crap?

Let me tell you something you may not know or realise. You may find this hard to believe, but I'm telling you something I know to be true. He's doing this on purpose. He's making you feel crap on purpose. And oh yes he's so sorry. Until you get over it and then he'll know that he's got you. That he can play with your head and your heart and what's left of your self esteem.

There are unfortunately plenty of men out there who are doing this kind of thing on purpose. It has a name and it's called emotional abuse.

Look what it's done to you so far. And guess what? That's exactly what it's meant to do to you.

So sorry that you've met this excuse of a man, but at least it's teaching you something. It's teaching you that not all people are very nice, that they don't always have your best interests at heart. Far from it in fact.

Surprise him and put a stop to his nasty little game and leave him. This will do you and your self esteem no end of good.

From your post it doesn't sound as if you are aware of something called abuse in relationships. Your partner appears to be lovely. He or she sweeps you off your feet and you can't believe your luck. It often seems too good to be true. Then the put downs start and the control etc etc.

Don't believe me? Then stay. And watch what happens.

I would like you to read some books about abuse in adult relationships. There are many out there. I bet your bottom dollar that this is what he's doing. He's behaving in a very cruel way. It's NOT AN ACCIDENT. It's on purpose, it's malicious and it's working. Ask yourself something. If you had a friend who told you that this was happening to her, that her boyfriend was belittling her in this way, what would you say to her?

Please read about abuse and realise what he's doing. He isn't nice, he doesn't love you, care about you or have your best interests at heart. I don't mean to be unkind. I want you to realise what he's up to.

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A female reader, DancerGirl1984 United Kingdom + , writes (12 July 2017):

No gentleman would ever say those things to the woman he says he loves.

That was incredibly mean of him to do this. Move on from him and find a guy who will only have eyes for you and will not give you a reality check of were you fit into the world of other women.

He is an idiot and does not deserve you.

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