A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for just over a year and even though i have asked to meet his friends,i never have, he only visits them if we have an arguement,he has also lied to me a lot. Last year he slept at his ex partners sister,when we had a arguement and lied about it,in fact it came from her mouth not his,his family don't like me and i don't know why, he does not leave me any money when he leaves after an arguement. he lives in my house.he never protects me or my daughter. he took me out one night and a man started abusing me and threatened on hitting me,he did nothing in fact he had no reaction at all,his ex and her new partner has threatened me with violence and he has did nothing or said nothing.I frind he is a very strange man and dont understand what and why he does nothing or doesn't react to nothing. He leaves me when there is a situation and does not answer his phone or switches it off. He shows no care or compassion when we make love,he makes no effort,i have spoke to him about all and all he says is he is sorry or he has done any thing wrong..what do i do and why he's he like this.someone please please advise as soon as possible.thank you
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female
reader, lildeesbg  +, writes (16 September 2007):
 Take a step back for a minute...Look at all you just wrote. What does his actions say to you?....Honestly to me it tells me that this man just doesnt care! Do you want to be with a man like that? When your in a relationship the one things that a man must make you feel is safe. Safe in alot of ways but in your case safe from people who are trying to harm you! Obviously this man just doesnt care. I ask you again you want to be with someone who doesnt care if your hurting (emotionally or physically???).
Another thing that concerns me is that he leaves you when you guys have an argument. Thats not a good sign. Communication is one of the keys for a HEALTHY...SUCCESSFUL relationship. He should not run off everytime you two fight. He should stick it out and even if a resolution doesnt occur right away doesnt mean he needs to walk out. His actions tell you that he just doesnt want to deal with a relationship. How can one person be in a relationship while the other isnt emotionally in it?
Sorry shouldnt cut it anymore for you. IF you sat and spoke with him about this...what else is left to do? You need to seriously weigh out your options...whats the good points in your relationship?...what are the bad? Be honest, if you lie to yourself the only person your hurting is yourself.
I think that if he is not introducing you to his friends (which friends are an extention of peoples lives) and hes not meeting the neccessary needs that come in a relationship...then its time to take a step back and find someone who wants to be in a HEALTHY relationship.
~dee
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2007): This guy sounds like an abusive type. He sounds crazy. His family probably doesn't like you because he talks bad about you behind your back. But he is a grown man. If that was my son coming home and talking badly about his girlfriend, I would think HE is the one with the problem, not the girlfriend. Because a REAL man should NEVER talk bad about his girlfriend. NOT in my house! So that says a lot about his family and their values. There is no reason why a family should be so involved in his affairs. I mean sure they should help him when he needs help but he is old enough so that they don't have to put their two scents into who he chooses to date. If they hate you why don't they hate him too?? This all sounds like an abusive cycle. It is all meant to make you feel like utter shit about yourself. Like you are a useless monster who is vicitimizing this "poor" guy. Well you KNOW that is not true. But if you continue with this DEADBEAT he is going to continue to make you feel like you are worthless and like you deserve to be treated like this. That is what abusers do. And they don't just have to call you names or hit you. There are many other tactics, such as the ones that he is using, to make you feel put down and destroy your self esteem and self image. And everybody around him, his family included (hell they are the ones who raised him. He probably learned this behavior from them) they are just reinforcing his abuse and his despicable behavior because they are all just as crazy as him. A man SHOULD ALWAYS stick up for you. And should NEVER make you feel worthless. To any woman. But as long as he has people in his life (his family) minimizing his actions and agreeing that you are the one who is the problem, he is never going to change. But it's NOT TRUE that you are crazy! They are the ones that are nutcases.I know that abusive types are hard to get away from because they have damaged you so much that you almost feel like you need them because you have no self esteem. But get away from this guy somehow. Just throw him to the curb and tell him to stay the hell away from you. I wish you could see how you deserve so much better. I wish you understood how DAMAGING this guy is to you. Would you put heroine in your body?? Crack?? An abusive relationship is just as damaging as hurting your body with drugs or with other things. Stop it now. It's only been a year. It hasn't been that long. It's still early. Just get him out of your life and don't look back. And if you need support or emotional help in doing this, I am sure there are support centers for women of abuse that you could go to in order to be assisted in making the right choice for you. So if you need to get help, then do it. You have the internet. Find out if there is something in your area that can be of assistance to you. But get the hell away from this monster ASAP.
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