A
female
age
36-40,
*nonymousdee
writes:It's been 3 years and 10 months that nothing has changed between me and my boyfriend. He does change but then he goes back to his old ways. In the beginning, we were at our honeymoon stage and after that, everything just went down hill. When i ask him why he doesnt make love to me as much, he tells me that he's not a sexual person, but he likes it when i give him oral sex. We only have sex once a month. I know it's also because he's too lazy to make love to me even though i do some of the work. When i confronted him about it, he agreed. Now i'm starting to think he's just not sexually attracted to me and doesnt want to do it. Im just so tired of asking and wanting it all the time and when i do get it, i regret it. I know he's only doing it because he feels like he's obligated to not because he really wants to. I know this because i can feel it. He never takes his time and its always a quickie with no foreplay. The romance in our relationship is gone and i dont know how to get it back. No matter how many times i express how i feel about the situation, its not getting any better. I just want to be able to make love and feel the passion and love that he has for me. I feel like we might be better off as just friends but i love him and i dont want to throw away everything. But it hurts to be like this, and what happens if we end up getting married, then it might get worse. We're only 24 and graduating college soon. He plans to marry me after he gets his career situated, but if things dont get better, i might have to leave. I just dont know if i should wait that long to find out or just move on to someone that can fulfill my needs. Im so lost.
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foreplay, move on, oral sex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2010): You are not meant to be together, it is that simple. When there is a small variance in sexual libido it is a workable situation, but when it is so one sided it will never work. The guy obviously has some major sexual issue and should seek a therapist. If you think he will change, he won't. It will only get worse. As difficult as it may seem right now, do not marry him, become friends and find yourself a mate. Once a month will gradually turn to once every 3 months, then a year, are you willing to deal with this the rest of your life?
A
female
reader, It's all be okay  +, writes (28 April 2010):
if he doesn't want to have sex with you, then he has issues in the relationship
if he can't get the self awareness to know what those are, or the decency to talk about them but instead give you the lame excuse of "not being that sexual", then move on....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 If he cannot meet your needs now, he will not meet your needs somewhere down the road in life.
It would be better to move on from him than to wait for him to provide .You have given him many chances and yet nothing has come out of it.
If he is only half full, don't expect a full glass from him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 If at 24 he only wants to have sex once a month, by the time you are 34 and married it will be down to once a year.
It's true that people have different sex drives and very often they need to compromise and make adjustments about the quantity...but not the quality. That once a month could be passionate and romantic and hot- but apparently it's not. It's more as if he feels it's a sort of chore that needs to be done with the least possible waste of energy.
It may be that he has low testosterone, or that is not much attracted to you, -but either way it does not sound like you can be really happy with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): You arent lost. You know what you want. And he knows what he wants. Its just that you both want different things. If youve told him you need more love making and affection and its only given grudgingly, im not sure that things will ever improve. He either has a very low sex drive or he isnt sexually attracted to you but quite frankly that wouldnt necessarily mean he wouldnt have sex with you if he had an itch to scratch. Its best to have another chat with him and explain you feel in a rut and ask how you are both going to fix it. If he really isnt that into you, you might have to consider the possibility that you would be better finding someone who is. Ive sampled both a disinterested partner and a partner that really fancies me. I much prefer the latter. I just wish id left the first partner much sooner. We have to be bold sometimes if we want better for ourselves x
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Try this - tell him you dont want to have sex but you want him to just kiss you. No pressure or expectation, just bonding!
The idea is to NOT have sex and it's finale in mind as a goal line, .. just to enjoy each other. Refraining at times will help build passion, lust, desire, etc, ... and if you stick to your guns (as hard as it may be) this is what will happen if he lets himself just get in to the moment.
Then when you do progress further, having made foreplay the norm, you should rock each others worlds!
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