A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This guy and I are in love. Were in that stage where were "ingaged to be ingaged". He's honest with me about his past and how he was troubled and had problems with the law and things like that. He wouldn't go into detail but he has explained some things. I haven't been so honest...I haven't gotten into trouble with the law or anything like that....but I was sexually abused when I was young and raped by my ex boyfriend. Our number one thing is honesty...so I told him. Now I feel like everythings off he says he still loves me but I feel dirty and like he doesn understand...does anyone have any advice?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2010):
 The deal of being honest is not about revealing weaknesses and confessing sins. It's about having an internal preparation of who you are going to be with for the rest of your lives. Did his breaking of the law affect how you think about him? Did your sexual abuse make him think bad about you? It was not your fault, and you are not dirty. If you still feel that way it could mean you need more counselling. A lot of abused people seem happy when they get into relationships and have no problems with sex at the beginning. It's when they settle down for a few years and then something happened, stress triggers, couples argue about something, and suddenly everything falls apart and the intimacy part shuts down totally. You have probably heard about women having intimacy issues who reject sex so much that their husbands feel starved and deprived. This doesn't happen to everybody who had been abused but it's common. The purpose of the talk is to understand each other's fears and hope for an understanding. Now he could be using this against you, or to use it as a reason to bail out. A more mature man would handle this by hoping you are okay, telling you everything will be okay, and then be understanding when you have flashbacks and encourage you to seek professional healing when you are scared. I am not saying your boyfriend is not like that but may be he needs some time to adjust to this. If time after time he still can't get over images of his imagination of what happened, then you have to let him go and find someone more understanding, someone who have more mental restraints and discipline. However the most understanding man is not going to stay forever if his sexual needs are completely ignored for years. Never feel dirty, guilty or shameful to talk to a counsellor about your problem. It's not only for your partner, it's for your happiness and others who love and care for you.
A
female
reader, duhmaris +, writes (28 June 2010):
If this guy says he loves you, he does. No guy is going to not love you for something that wasn't your fault. I know it sucks, but it's all in your head. He loves you.What could be making you feel "dirty", is that you haven't come to terms with accepting what happened to you. It happened, it sucks and I am so sorry you had to deal with that, but you can't let it ruin what could be the best relationship you may have.What you may want to do is sit down and write out what you would want to say. Maybe say it to your boyfriend. Tell him you want him to witness you over come that obstacle, without saying it as creepy as I did. What I did, was I sat down and cried until I couldn't anymore, just reliving the moment to the point that I could say what I wish I could have said. Then realized, I couldn't have done anything anyway.Are you happy with how strong of a woman you are? This may be a reason why you are the way you are. With out it, you may not have found this guy. It's time to move on and see it for what it is, not for what it's not anymore. You'll remember it, you'll criticize it, but you don't live it anymore. I'll pray for you.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): ok i read ur story its very sad but ye are honest now just remind him that those things in past still hurt you and you need his support to show you that someone cares about you.
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A
female
reader, RUPrincess  +, writes (28 June 2010):
You say the number one thing in your relationship is honesty, so why not just ask him how he feels about it? It could be hard for him to comprehend that someone has hurt you in such an intimate way.Also are you sure he's being completely honest with you? There could be a reason to do with his past as to why he is all of a sudden acting off with you, you have said he hasn't gone into that much detail. Like you've said it's all about the honesty, and unless you voice these concerns to him then things aren't going to get any better.I would also ask, have you had any help dealing with a past as complex as sexual abuse and rape? I would advise speaking to your GP and getting some help or support, especially as you're in love and it seems that you want to move forward with your life. Sometimes, it's best to pause and evaluate before you can move on, especially with such an emotional burden you carry. This may even be something you wish to explore with your partner.Good luck, and I hope things work out.
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