A
female
age
36-40,
*ipsqueak
writes:Hey everyone... im in a really heartbroken situation.ive been with this guy for the past 7 months. hes a comitment phobe, and ive known from the very start about this. i was warned not to be with him, but the attraction between us led us to a night together, wich turned into 2 nights, of holding eachother and kissing and cuddling. the next day he took me home, and he called me right after he got home from work. we spent two hours on the phone. he told me from the start that he dident want a relationship, as i knew he would but i said it was ok. i told him i dident care, and that i just wanted to hang out. we start hanging out a lot, we talk every night on the phone and have talked every single night since the day we got together. , and even though he says he just wants to be friends, he acts like my boyfriend in every other possible way. we slept together on the 4th night we hung out, we have an amzing sexual attraction, so bad that were in a room together and hardly any time goes by that we arent wrapped around eachother. so aside from him beig scared to commit to me, he does. he grows comfortable with holding hands with me in front of other people, he is over my house almost every night, and we talk multiple times throught the days. things are wonderful and i finally belive hes realizing that we have an amazing relationship. we have EVERYTHING in common, and even lookswise we just fit. we have the same sence of humour and beliefs, we can do anything together. i live kind of far from him and dont drive, so he has to come to me everytime. and he does. our sex life is incredible, and when hes with me he just has that lost love look in his eyes. he wont ever admit hes my boyfriend, but he knows he is.so hes got this friend that hes been freinds with for a long time. a girl, shes not really attractive but he is friends with her and has told me multiple times that hes not having sex with her and they are just friends and thats it. so we hung out with her a bunch of times and yes i got jealous i cant help it, its another girl and i think of this guy as my man. so he hangs oout with her one night over me and i get pissed and i let him know how i felt. we get into a big thing over how this went too far and how i think we are something we arent and that he shouldent have let it get this far.so he breaks up with me tonight, the next day. beacuse things were "getting too serious" the fact that i got jealous over this girl completely pushed him away from me. he tells me he wants to be friends but hes not into serious relationnships. and he realized that hed gotten himself into one. i sat there and tld him you were only following your heart, and i KNOW you see me as more then a friend. but hes scared to let me into his heart. i love him so much and i dont want to lose him. even though i dont even know if i ever had him. i dont think i can be just friends with him, but i think i may jus try and let him go.... if he does love me he will realize what hes losing. im praying that he opens up his eyes and realizes that i am the only girl that will "get" him. i just dont know if im strong enough to do this. i dont know if i can hold back from him. its been 8 years since hes been in a serious relationship. im 23, hes 29. i miss him already. i just dont know what to do. im so torn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): This guy is a player, and he told you from the start that he did not want a relationship, and you agreed to see him without the promise of one...that is why he saw you so often because you agreed to his terms....and when you started behaving like a girlfriend, before he asked you, (getting jealous over a friend who is a girl) he went running.....You are torn over what to do....DO NOTHING, the more you chase after him the less he will reciprocate, you have an agonizing, gut wrenching wait for him to return, and return he will like a bad penny, I hope you get over the amazing sexual attraction and show him the door, you are in over your head and you are in it alone right now.....if you ever do let him back in your life, it had better be because he will commit to you and to having an exclusive relationship, 7 months is long enough for that to have happened, and it hasn't. He does not want what you want, and you are not going to convince him otherwise, let him go, move on, eat some Ben and Jerry's and never settle for less than you want from a guy again, he lost respect for you the minute you said you did not care (that your needs would not be met).
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2007): Sorry to hear you are so upset over what has happened.
Really, you know, you knew from the very beginning that he wasn't interested in developing a committed relationship - other people who know him warned you; he told you himself. But you hoped he would perhaps change his mind when he saw how good you were together.
However, wishing for something won't necessarily make it happen. Sounds as if you both thoroughly enjoy the sex, but there has to be a lot more "ingredients" other than being good in bed together to make a relationship work, and even if everything else is present, its still no guarantee, sorry to say.
In the case of this man, there never was any intention to eventually try to commit anyway. I know you're very disappointed, but there's nothing you can do about that. Time to "wake up" from the months you've spent living in a world of wishful thinking, and accept what has happened.
You can still enjoy memories of the time you had, but don't kid yourself that if you dump him he will come to realize what he's missing! Not gonna happen. As you said, its not a matter of "losing" him, because really, you never actually "had" him.
Be brave, grieve for a time, but begin to pick up the pieces and start doing things you enjoy in your life, for you!
May you eventually meet a man who will love you enough to move heaven and earth to be with you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): I know exactly how it feels, was in a relationship with a guy for 4 years. Every time we got close and I felt things were perfect between us he'd cool off. We'd break up and it used to mess with my head and my heart. Like yourself he had lady friends, many of them and of course I got jealous. By what I can gather he sounds like a bit of a player, reels you in big time and then says...we're too serious, we're not an item and it's only a bit of fun. Don't contact him because you'll look needy, as hard as it is for you right now try and concentrate on having a good time with your friends and family. If he really wants to make a commitment to you then he will do all the running. Don't end up like me four years later still hoping that we're going to get back together, life is far too short. Players have a cunning way of always making out that we're jealous, paranoid, clingy etc and that it is all our fault. This is a game they play to string us along so they can pick us up, as and when they please. Just be careful, it seems as though he's not on the same page as you right now.
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