A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Okay so here's the deal, I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, and it's online but we were pretty much inseperable. I know I love him but when I finally went to see him in person I realized some things. I realized what I really want in a guy, like more enthusiasm and I want him to take the lead in the relationship and not have me making every single decision. I started getting confused about how I felt about him, so I talked to him about the things I realized and he says he'll change, but if that's just "him" then can he really? Also, being confused about my feelings, I've developed feelings for a friend of mine I've known for years. But when I think about my bf and all our history I think, I can't just leave him, and I love him, but I don't know if I'll be happy if he doesn't change. Do you have any idea or thoughts on what I should do? I'd appreciate it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (12 February 2009):
It's young love. He's never experienced it before so he will think that connection you have is the only one he'll ever feel.
I don't think a break will help at all. He'll just be hurt for longer as you'll be dragging it out.
Tell him you want to be friends instead and give him a bit of time to get over you before contacting him again.
Good Luck!! xx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice, it's really hard though cause he's dead set on thinking he and I are soulmates, and when I think about the other guy compared with him, I just see no future with that guy. I know the feelings are there, it's more than friendship. I don't know, I suggested a break to see how I feel after awhile without permanently ending it yet, but I'm not sure if thats a good idea or not. Cause he's not going anywhere, or looking for anyone else.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 February 2009):
 I think it says a lot that your feelings changed as soon as you met him in person. Having a relationship online is not a real relationship; all you can do is talk! There is a lot to be said for body language and just spending time in someone's presence.
I'm not sure how you become inseperable when your relationship has only been conducted online, technically you spend all your time together when you are inseperable but obviously this is not possible when you are dating online!
I think you dont actually love this guy, you love having someone to talk to but it doesnt go further than that. You are just glorified friends; you talk, tell each other everything etc and while that is great, that doesnt mean you are in love with that person. If you have feelings for someone else then this just confirms you are not in love with your boyfriend.
In my experience men often do not change, they say they will to try and save the relationship, then they may change for about a week or two but then go back to how they were before.
If you are having doubts then do the decent thing and end the relationship with your boyfriend. Take some time out on your own being single for a while, then re-asses what you want from a relationship/man and see how you feel about this other guy in a few months. If you still want to be with him, then you can at least be sure that it is the right thing to do.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (12 February 2009):
That's the thing with online relationships. You very rarely get to see the person as a whole - only the bits they chose to show you. So annoying habits etc will only ever show up when you meet them.
If you have found you don't like him now you've met it then it's sad but you have to tell him you just want to be friends and nothing more.
History is in the past and you can never use that as a reason to stay with a guy. I learned that with my first boyfriend. I stayed with him even though we were both miserable because we'd been together so long. We really should have broken up a LONG time before we really did.
As you say, he can't change into someone he is not, and he shouldn't have to.
Ending it will be not very nice but then he can find a girl who loves him for who he is. Plus then you will be free to see what else is out there.
Good Luck!! xx
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