A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my bf for 6 yrs now. Ups and downs but we've grown together and overcome many obstacles. We used to live together but I moved to another city. He recently proposed to me just the right way, as I had always dreamed. I was the happiest girl ever but then I noticed he never talked about it. When I asked, he said of course he wanted to marry me SOMEDAY but he had proposed mostly because he wanted to make me happy because these things are so important to me (but not to him - rituals, proposals, weddings, etc)Then, when everyone started asking when the wedding is I got upset because it overwhelmed me and I had no answers. When I said this to him, he said it was my fault for telling everyone but if that made me happy it was ok. He said he did not tell everyone on his side (other than family members of course) because he was not like that. He does introduce me as his fiancee though.He also says he proposed because if something ever happens to any of us or the relationship, we can say that at least we did this together (getting engaged).And to enjoy the present.Then he started telling me I should move to a new apartment and things like that and I got really upset. I told him so and said it upset me because it seemed he was not making any plans of me coming to live with him or marrying me but instead asking me to make a lease commitment of at least one year somewhere else!He said he did not want me to leave the job I like so much and that his financial situation is not stable so he would not want me to leave my city, go to his and then end up having a rough time. He said he'd love to live with me again otherwise.Now, he just does not talk about wedding plans, no date has been set of course, there are not even plans on moving back together. On top of this he is asking us to save money to go on a ski trip in 2009!!! so not even saving for a wedding!This has me upset and resentful and my happiness has turned into uncertainty. It is affecting the relationship. I feel his intentions were so good (making me happy) but he had no real intention of following through anytime soon! I feel like a fool for being so excited about it and telling everyone and now no wedding is being planned.Am I just being stupid for not enjoying this engagement for what it is or do I have a point about his lack of enthusiasm for something he himself proposed to do??? What is he waiting for? he told my mom he wanted to propose to me because he felt so ready to get married and he felt so close to me! WHAT THEN???? change of heart?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2008): i am in a similar situation. i have been with my fiance for 3 years. he proposed the Christmas of 2007. i got very excited, told our families & friends, bought wedding magazines & even purchased a little pink book to store all our wedding plans in!
however, about a month ago, he told me that he was happy the way we are, that there is no rush, that we might possibly be too young (we're both 20), that it was a hell of a lot of money to spend on one party & that the strength he feels in our relationship surely would not need securing with a piece of paper and a couple of rings.
i smiled and nodded at the time, but to be honest i am devastated. however, nice to know i'm not the only one!
Jellytots :)
A
female
reader, waitingforanaltar +, writes (24 August 2008):
 In the same boat. Met a guy who lives in England, I live in the US. He proposed before he even met me, he proposed when he met me, and he officially proposed with a ring we picked out. This was almost three years ago. Unfortunately, we can't ever get married any time soon because A. he's been living on the equivalent of welfare, which he doesn't want to get off anytime soon because he's been relying on it so he doesn't have to go back to his old job of working 70 hours a week and has been using it to get an eBay business off the ground (which didn't pay off) and now his excuse is being a student for a future IT job (of which he put 2 weeks into so far). B. His dad is suicidal. He's afraid if he leaves to be with me, his dad will end his life. So, I've been waiting for something to happen. Can't leave to be with him because he's on assistance and he can't leave to be with me because if his dad does end his own life he can't live with the guilt attached to it. Yet he assures me that it won't be long until we can make plans to be married. Though the course he's on is at least 2 years to finish and he's struggling through it (he's had the course way before he met me). I just feel like a fool for putting my life on hold for him for the past couple of years. I certainly don't want to add any more years to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Nineteen years ago I received a marriage proposal from a man I dearly cared about. After I said "yes," he told me that he didn't have a ring for me--but offered no explanation as to why. Minutes later, he also informed me that he "wasn't ready to set a date." And he never was. After 19 months of pain (and ever-increasing resentment), I broke up with him. Our breakup was civil, but I did tell him that I felt our engagement was a sham. And it was. He was never prepared to actually make a commitment, and I was angry that he had the audacity ask me to commit to him when he wasn't prepared to commit to me. It was totally selfish on his part.
Maybe he considered our engagement merely a "trial run" that would end in marriage if all went well. I think some people use engagement to test the waters. Unfortunately, however, the very words of a proposal--"Will you marry me?"--do not mean the same thing as "Would you be willing to 'test the waters--investigate the possibility of getting married?"
I would try to find out from your guy what he considers the purpose of engagement to be. If he's after a "trial run," then you need to make a decision about whether you are willing to wait indefinitely--and can do so without hurt or resentment. If you can't do this, then you need to break off the engagement--because in your view, the two of you are not truly committed to getting married.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): I'm so glad I found this site. Same exact situation. I've been in my relationship for nearly 8 years. I get a lovely proposal last July, and guess what? It's now May 2008, and as soon as I ask when we can start planning for the wedding, his response is, "Do you even plan on being with me for the rest of our lives?" I gave him back his ring and said, I didn't want it until he had his ducks in a row. If he couldn't set a date with me, then I didn't need to waste anymore of my time. I don't have a problem with seeing other people who will commit to me, if my relationship with this man sits in the same situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): I know what your feeling. I'm in the same boat. My Boyfriend proposed to me a year and a half ago but still no date for the wedding or anything to do with the wedding. I started to plan the wedding for this fall even had a date and place picked and he seemed happy with it but still has not gotten me a ring, or even finalised his divorce from his ex so he can be free to marry me. I now have to answer the question of "How the wedding coming along" with "It's not". We had to put everything on hold. I know he loves me and is very commited to me but doesn't seem to want to marry me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I notice that many of you girls, are in the same situation... and believe me: If a guy wants to be with you, he would make a decision. Some guys just like the feeling of being "in love" and the romance around it, but are not ready for all the rest.I got married last year. He is a WONDERFUL man, but i realized marriage was not the sort of thing that could make a woman happy. We love the idea of trading our lives for a diamond an d a dreamed wedding but don't think how hard it is aferwards. I regret having lost the freedom of traveling, of thinking for myself, for I moved to his place and there is no way for me to choose even the kitchen ware... If he does not like what I purchase, I always have to return it.. I have no identity in "My house".He always looks at other women when we are out. He looks at them with a weird apetite and that makes me feel the ugliest woman on earth... and I can't change the situation because I am already attached to him for life???Well, fortunately we got married at a courthouse and wanted to decide the day of the (religious/ceremony) wedding later. And I write these lines after he proposed last night, with no ring or anything (although jewelry is literally part of my life) and he proposed in the worse moment, after he refused to receive a present a had bought for him....The present was a gift card for a book store (i didn't buy the dvd he was looking for, fearing that he wouldn't lke it)Fuck everything... I just want to be me again. Therefore, I am going to say NO!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): I am really sad to read your story. I recently went through a similar situation, my bf asked me to marry him and then never followed through with ring shopping and the proposal he planned for Valentine's day. When I finally got the courage to discuss the matter with him, he is not sure that we are compatible, whether we will make each other happy. We took what he considered a break, still talking each day until I could not take it anymore. I ended the relationship, I just could not be in a relationship with someone that when from marriage proposal to not being sure then wanted to be with me. I realize that he has issues with commitment but I gave him time and nothing seem to change. What I am trying to say is if your fiancee is actively trying to resolve or deal with issues together, then you should not give up on love. It is hard to come by true love. If he is taking you for granted and you don't feel very happy in the relationship, it is probably time to move on....find someone that would not make you wait.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008): Honey I am in your shoes also. My significant other and I have been together for 8 years. He asked me to marry him, like you, the perfect way. That was 1-1/2 years ago. Our wedding WAS supposed to be this August. However, he then decided to do a destination wedding. Now he wants to wait. He says why can't we just be happy the way we are. He says it is just a piece of paper. UGGG!!! I think we have sucker written on our foreheads. As my mom always told me "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2008): my fiancee told me i could go looking for a ring, so i found one and he purchased it, did the whole romatic proposal and then i asked if i could go try on dresses and look at wedding sites, which he didn't want to do either! i picked a date and then we got into a huge argument and he said the date was too soon, we have been together for almost seven years,don't feel bad i am in your shoes! if i try to bring it up he says we will get married soon, and then tells me to not worry about it! i don't know what to do either!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Some men want to express their love and they do in a way they think you want them to, not exactly how they would do it if left alone. He wants you to know he is serious but he won't marry you because if he can just have you the way you guys are now, and if he is not really into weddings and stuff, then why would he ever change that?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (28 February 2008):
 It's not confusing when you listen to what everyone here is trying to tell you. So he bought a nice ring, told his kid and your mom and got down on one knee. That's wonderful in itself! It only means as much as the action that's going to be put into it and so far, it doesn't look like you guys are getting married. It's just like q1605 said, you just have a fancy title now. Read what eyeswidenopen said, it may have been meant to clam you up. You can spin yourself in circles on this but that doesn't change the fact you're not gettting married any time in the near future.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Just curious, were you constantly bringing marriage up in conversations? Maybe he thought this would buy him lots of time and clam you up for awhile?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually, he proposed WITH a very nice engagement ring (just like the one I had been dreaming of) and he asked for my parents permission (even though I am 32) and he asked his 9-yr old daughter for approval as well before asking me... and he got on his knee... and he told his family... HE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT!!! it was not just a casual question... that is why I'm sooo confused!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Is that like going in to ask for a raise and only coming back with an important sounding job title. Tell him your OK with it being a little game just between the two of you. But your schedule says he's behind on buying a diamond. Not a large rock by any means. Just about equal value of a deposit and first and last months rent. And its spring and you should be seriously thinking of a larger vehicle for car pooling the kids to soccer practise. See ...and you thought you weren't going to enjoy this. I would keep this pony saddled up. Give it a couple of years and i bet you could kill him in a very messy and disturbing manner and no court in the land would convict you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer...
the thing is we just got engaged 4 weeks ago and he always asks me "what is the rush?" "just enjoy the engagement otherwise you'll just concentrate on the future and never enjoy all the process!" which I think he's got a point... but still, it hurts. I am afraid that if I return the ring, he'll feel I am ungrateful and too demanding and he will end the relationship for good. I want to be appreciative of what he does for me and after he went through all the trouble of planning such a special proposal that took 4 days until popping the questions... but I am so insecure... I love him and I know he loves me... I just wonder if he now has doubts about me because I have become so pushy about this subject!
I don't want to ruin the good relationship we have and that is my priority... should I just enjoy the relationship for what it is and not focus on marriage alone?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): It sounds like you are ready for the commitment of marriage and he isn't! He proposed to you to make you happy which shows how much he cares about you. However, he may have proposed to you for the wrong reasons.
it may be that your fiancee just wants to see how things go before you have the actual wedding ceremony. remember some people are engaged for years before they actually decide to tie the knot. he might want to wait for the right time, financially or emotionally, before taking the next step.
Well done for discussing it with him! It shows that you are open in your relationship. His offhand reply may have been that he wasn't expecting you both to get married immediately.
I think that he is afraid of an immediate commitment and wants to spend time as an engaged, not married, couple.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (28 February 2008):
He is clearly not ready to get married to you at this stage in his life. When you get engaged, you start planning a wedding and this is not what's happening in your situation. In essence, this is more like getting a "promise ring", not actually getting engaged. I don't see how you can enjoy this engagement because for him, he is not viewing it as one.
He does want to make you happy but he is not willing to commit to making you happy beyond the present, he is not committing to a future.
Why should you feel like a fool when any normal person getting engaged would expect that there would be a wedding?
If it were me, I would probably return the ring and tell him that he could give it to me when he was serious about getting married. In the meantime, I would continue to pursue my goals in life and let him know that I wasn't someone he could just string along or be kept waiting.
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