A
female
age
41-50,
*ix23
writes:Hi,I have been seeing my boyfriend for a year. He got in touch with me after splitting from his wife - just a month earlier (which I didn't know at the time). We had previouly been work friends. From just a few months in, he told me he wanted to marry me, have children etc. He even moved to the city where I live, bought a house and got a new job.The problem started a few months ago when he stopped making an effort to see me as much and started joining clubs - sports clubs - nearer where he used to live. He has a large circle of friends in his old place (about an hour away from where I live) and goes down there to see them two or three times a week. Some of them are single women.I didn't have a problem with this at first but gradually started feeling he was only seeing me when he could fit me in - usually once or twice a week.About a month ago, we were on a date and his phone kept going at 1 am, 2 am in the morning. It was one of his single women friends. I got quite annoyed at this - why was she texting and calling at that time?The next day, another of his female friends spent the evening with the two of us and he spent the whole night talking to her. I felt really excluded.The next morning, when he was out running, I checked his phone to see what these women were saying to him.(They were all fairly innocent messages, nothing to concern me but all his sent messages were deleted so I don't know what he said to them).He found out and was angry because he felt I didn't trust him. He is now pulling away big time - stopped texting me every day, not ringing as much, not committing to booking the holiday we're supposed to be going on in a week's time. He has since suggested that we could go on holiday with the two female friends I mentioned earlier.I'm upset that he's pulling away but i understand the trust issue. I have never done anything like that before - gone through someone's phone - but i was feeling very insecure and annoyed that he seemed to be plagued by other women.He also spends a lot of time online chatting and messaging other women he doesn't know. thank you for reading this. Please reply if you can help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (21 June 2007):
 Remember it is HIS behaviour that wrecks his relationships. It is completely and utterly nothing to do with you and no reflection on you as a person in any way. He can't make relationships work once he gets past the patience of the woman he is with and nobody would have an endless reserve for this stuff.
He has mentioned it as an issue for several women before you and instead of doing the wise thing, which would be to look at his own contribution, he is saying it is the women who are all wrong. He is asking you to forgive something that almost any woman would have trouble with, rather than face the fact that his behaviour is a real problem.
He should be asking himself, "Do my relationships with other women cause problems with my significant other?" If YES then the way he has done things so far has not worked. So whose fault is that?
The problem is that he may not really be so deep and care for one person that much. I wonder how he would like the boot on the other foot but he is probably going for women who he knows would be unlikely to dish out his type of medicine. Go well. I know you will.
A
female
reader, vix23 +, writes (21 June 2007):
vix23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your response Clarey, it's really helpful. My head's all over the place at the moment!
Yes you're right about the female friends being an issue before - he said his ex-wife used to have a problem with it. She checked his phone too - and a previous girlfriend - 11 years ago - even opened his letters!! He says this is why he's having such a problem with me checking his texts - it's apparently brought back unresolved "trust issues" his exes had...
Like you say, he may use it as an excuse to end it but, if he does, better sooner than later I guess.
Thanks for replying
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (21 June 2007):
He is flexing himself about with ladies having gotten over his marriage and obviously enjoying it quite a lot. There may be nothing in it for now except flirtation, he is tarting about and it sounds like a very annoying habit. You should not be excluded from his friendships and that is what I feel you have been - which is why you don't trust him.
Perhaps you can find out why his marriage broke up - there are often useful clues to be had there. I wonder whether he had a liking for lots of female "friends" then as well. He likes to feel indispensible perhaps, which is also why he got going so quickly with you. He certainly doesn't seem like a very deep person if he can hook up with another woman, barely a month after losing his marriage. Most people would be too upset to do that, even if ending the marriage was their choice.
It is perfectly understandable for you to worry and check his texts. If he loved you, whilst being rightly annoyed and upset, he would also be concerned about how his behaviour has affected you. There would be lots of reassurance and a request that you never do that again, or he would ask you to talk to him rather than hide worries. You may have just handed him a reason to withdraw, on a plate, but don't worry about that because it could have been any old reason.
Have a real hard think. Does the way he is behaving make YOU happy. If you have alarm bells why don't you trust yourself. Is he good enough for you? There is a subtle difference between thinking that way, as opposed to wondering whether you are good enough for him. You should not feel you have to compete.
Why not suggest taking two other single men away as well - or does he want all the attention himself? See how that suggestion goes down and decide whether he just wants everyone to be with HIM, exlusively worshipping and adoring.....
You need to laugh about his behaviour. Think of him as a cock in the roost, fawning about and strutting preening his feathers. Make him like Foghorn Leghorn in your mind. So proud. He has all these silly hens fawning about and clucking around him. They have little squabbles to get in front and he pats their sily heads. They flash their eyes and he plumps up his chest. Can you see yourself there? I don't think so.
Lift up the wire and let a fox in before you go.
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