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I'm attractive but never approached by men. Do other women have this problem?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 April 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2017)
A female United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I am 22 and I am never approached by men. I live in America where men are notorious for approaching women. Yet, strangers tell me that I am beautiful/pretty. I talked to a guy and he assumed I had a bf, when I said no, he was in shock. He said I was a very pretty girl and that he sees ugly women with bfs all the time. Yet, I am confused as to why men never seem to approach me in public. I have only been approached maybe two times in my life but that is it. I don't go to bars or clubs. Do any other women have this problem of being told they are attractive not being approached by men? What is wrong with me if I am supposedly attractive but no guys are approaching me?

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (20 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntIts normal. Guys are really nervous to approach a very attractive girl. I've had the same problem. Not that I look like a model, but I have a very good figure and am described as a classic beauty. I discovered that if I went all out with hair, make-up and clothes, I NEVER got approached. I just look too darn amazing. But if I went to a club wearing little make-up, and a t-shirt and jeans, I would get approached a lot. So if I wanted male attention, I had to dress down. In addition, I have always had to be the one to initiate contact. As in, smile at a guy I think is cute, before he would dare walk up to me.

So I would recommend you start to initiate first contact, the discreet lady-like way. By getting eye contact, hold the stare for about three seconds. If he smiles, smile back. And that's it. I can guarantee you 100% that if you have the three second eye contact + a smile with a guy from across the room, he WILL approach you. Even if you don't do the smile, there is a good 70% chance he will approach you just because of the eye contact.

So do the following: each time you enter a room, screen it quickly to get an overview of where the cute guys are. Then position yourself so that you can get eye contact with them. The eye contact will take place very early on from when you first see each other, it's natural instincts. All the men you walk by WILL check you out, they always do. Its instincts. So this happens in the very first seconds of them noticing you. This is your golden opportunity to catch their stare and hold their glance if you like them.

Just give it a try, I have done several experiments with this and it's a no fail. I pride myself with having become quite the flirting expert, and I know this technique is solid to get a guy to approach you. Just always be discreet when you make first contact, because guys like to think they were the ones to make the first move. So always just "accidentally" be close to the guy you like, or you "just happened, by mere coincidence" to dump into him in the line etc. Or maybe he just so happened to be the guy closest to you to ask for change, or a cigarette (if you smoke) or ask the time.

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A female reader, femmefemale  +, writes (20 April 2017):

I don't think men approach women as much you might believe they do. The thing is we live in an era where men can approach women through social media without having to put themselves out there and risk public embarrassment. Men of older generations had to approach women in public places because that's the only way they had to interact with new pretty women. You're probably gorgeous!! but remember that men your age have never had to develop the skill of approaching the opposite sex in public in the way men 10+ years older than them had to.

Don't take it personally at all. Its not because you aren't gorgeous, it's just because they lack the skill and they know its easier to approach women online.

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A female reader, RubyBirtle United Kingdom + , writes (20 April 2017):

I've had this problem pretty much all my life - for no apparent reason so I've had to learn to be quite proactive and approach men myself. You haven't got to "hit on" them - just start a conversation. As Tisha says - take some initiative.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou seem to be waiting for a man to approach you.

Why not take the initiative? Is there some barrier?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

Men stare at me all the time. They like to talk to me, act nice to me and want to do nice things for me. I am used to male attention. I am very open and friendly and welcoming to everyone. So, men generally feel comfortable with me because despite my looks, I am very down to earth and know how to laugh at myself and take things in stride. Therefore, very approachable. Many of my friends say I am quite amusing. So, men in general find me amusing if I am in my "performer/entertainer" mood.

I find that some guys do feel you are out of their league and "test the waters" for a while by trying to talk to you, know you a little better, and feel you out before taking the plunge.

I also find that men hate to be rejected. It is their fragile male ego that doesn't want to be crushed. And maybe because they fear being turned down, they don't even try. And if they think you are out of their league or they are not self confident enough about themselves, they will admire you from afar without taking action.

Some guys will give you signals and want you to pursue them. So, if you are the kind of woman who thinks a man might like her and is not afraid to go after what she wants (and yes, still possibly risk being rejected) then go for it. Some men are not confident enough and are hoping the woman will take the lead. I took the lead with my current BF. He gave me all the signals but did not ask me out because he thought I was too beautiful and out of his league and that I would never be interested in a guy like him. Men should never make such assumptions. You just never know. So, I ended up pursing him and he wanted to be caught by me. We have been together 4 years now.

If you really want to be pursued, go to Europe. I was in Italy and the men there are very aggressive. Night and day from the men here in North America. It is actually off putting at times how demonstrative and aggressive they really are!

I also agree with some of the other posters. You are not in the right places. Men don't approach in the street. You need to join a gym, dance classes, take courses, join social groups and create opportunities for yourself. They don't just appear out of thin air. What are your hobbies? Your interests? So, the issue may not be your looks or shy men, it may be the fact you are not in the right places, exposing yourself to opportunities.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

So I do live in medium sized walkable city but yea, I never get approached. Also men, usually older than me, will tell me I am beautiful but this is because we coincidentally had a conversation but I've never had a man just approach me for a date or anything. Or sometimes, I notice than a guy looks like he might approach me but he doesn't. But I don't do anything about it because its usually the wrong time/place for someone to talk to me/approach me. But its like whenever I want to be approached, it never happens.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Tisha-1 agony aunt America is a really big country. If you live Maryland for example, but you live in rural area, and you walk in your neighborhood's quiet streets and wait around for a man to approach you, no one will see you.. But say you are in downtown Baltimore, and you go out and walk around in Baltimore, you'll have a different experience. So, where you live and where you are trying to attract suitors matters.

What do your friends from high school or college say?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (19 April 2017):

Perhaps men think you are TOO attractive and, hence, "out of their league"? Perhaps you give the impression that you are high maintenance? Perhaps you don't look friendly? There is nothing more attractive than a smile. Try making eye contact and smiling at people - ALL people, not just men you think you see as potential boyfriends. You never know where a friendly smile and a "hello" will lead.

The problem with men approaching you is that the only difference between a stalker and an admirer is whether his attention is welcome or not. How are men to know you find them attractive if you are not open and friendly? Yes, looks are important in the first instance, as that is all someone has to go off, but they are not that important in a relationship if the girl is up herself and only concerned with how pretty she looks. To attract nice people, you have to BE a nice person.

Do you have hobbies or interests? Try joining groups to meet like minded people because then you have an immediate connection and, when people talk about something they are passionate about, they come alive.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 April 2017):

Honeypie agony auntIt's impossible to guess why. Can be your demeanor, body language that keeps people/guys from approaching you. When you are out and about do you mind your own business? Are you talking to strangers? Smiling? Polite?

The fact that "ugly" girls can get a BF and you can't, should tell you... THAT look isn't everything. That being pretty doesn't mean you automatically are owed something or that men should drop at your feet, salivate over you or constantly ask you out.

Do you go out with a group of friend JUST to have fun or in hopes that SOMEONE will notice you? Because I think most people who are genuinely approached are people who AREN'T trying, who are just out having fun.

I would not describe myself as pretty but attractive nonetheless, and I have been hit on in grocery stores, when at work and just out and about. It happens when I'm in a good mood and I think that shows. If I've been in a "don't mess with me I'm grumpy mood" I don't think it has ever happened.

But the point is, OP - WHY wait for men to approach YOU? IF you see someone you find interesting or attractive, try a smile or a hello.

Many women don't LIKE being approached on the street. It can feel unsafe. Like having a guy actually follows you when out for a job, trying to keep pace with you so he can get your number... That's creepy to me. Others might think it's cute or what not.

If you want something to happen, MAKE it happen.

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