A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I noticed my boyfriend had looked up an ex recently and he has admitted that after some bad arguments he has looked up exes as a form of escape. He's done this "every month or so", just looking at their pictures. I understand looking up exes out of nosiness/curiousity buy I'm worried if his sentimentality/nostalgia coming up when we argue is something I should worry about?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2018): My husband does this snd i still dont know why! I hate it but i guess as long as he doesnt act on it then its ok. I think i mght have been the person that posted the question that Anonymous wrote about below my post here! He doesnt do it half as much as he used to but we have passed through the 'power struggle' phase of our relationship and dont argue as much anymore xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2018): Something like this post was asked about a year ago and I reacted to it along these lines then: be easy on the guy when you have your arguments because you seem to hurt and he retires to a corner to lick his wounds and seek solace and comfort in remembering the good times with his ex's and even seek revenge in looking up his ex's. I think you should try to solve your problems in more constructive way without causing pain to him otherwise there is not much future in this relationship.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (2 July 2018):
 I agree with the others, arguing all the time is the biggest sign you're not compatible and a trying to maintain a relationship is just going to be an uphill struggle! The fact that nothing changes and you KEEP arguing is not promising.
All people in love argue but their love for each other surpasses pettiness in order to protect their partner's feelings.. even if someone is wrong, real love is putting your partner's happiness over pride. Real love is selfless.
This guy is doing the OPPOSITE of protecting your heart. He is using childish, nasty MANIPULATIVE tactics to HURT you.. is this really the kind of guy you want to be going out with? Letting you know in a vicious underhand way that hey, you're not the only girl for him, better play up to him or maybe he'll go looking elsewhere... seriously what an arsehole!
You can do better, you really want to live in this unhealthy struggle for the rest of your life? Grow a pair and nip this in the bud before it grows way out of control. Life is stressful enough, without people like this loser bringing you down. You want someone standing strong BESIDE you not against you.. be brave. Be honest and admit the truth to yourself. Take the love coloured glasses off- what would you say to a friend if she was having this problem??
He cares more about himself than he does you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2018): This is a major red flag. My ex used to do that and once I saw him text his ex( who was also his fuck buddy after they broke up). I ignored it but later it came back to bite me. He told me she was his best friend and what not. But it’s not normal. He’s with you for a reason and he can’t go about looking at his exes unless he isn’t over them or wants to snoop.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2018): First of all girlfriend, a guy with a slew of exes ain't boyfriend-material!!! You can press coal into a diamond; but you can't press poop into a boyfriend, or a husband!
If a woman is full of insecurities and beat-up from previous relationships. She needs healing and recovery-time; or some professional counseling. Not a boyfriend, or a husband!
Stop fighting so much, and learn how to effectively communicate. Why do you have so many "bad arguments? Too much fighting is the surest sign of incompatibility; and a clear indication there is a vast amount of immaturity in the relationship. On both sides!
He's being spiteful and pushing your buttons. You wouldn't know he was looking-up exes; unless you were a snoop. He knows this, and he does it to do two things. One, to see if you are invading his privacy out of pure insecurity; and two, he wants to rub your nose in it. He knows it pisses you off, and hurts your feelings. He succeeds each and every-time.
You're worried about his sentimentality? How about the quality and stability of the relationship you have? You're an adversary, not his girlfriend. You are insanely jealous and insecure. He's using your weaknesses against you. You think you can nag and verbally batter a boyfriend into obedience and submission. Good luck! If you were meant for each other; it would be peaceful with few arguments.
I know some people take the fact that everyone has disagreements to mean it's okay to fight and argue.
Well, the reason for the arguments and their frequency also tells you the quality of the relationship. It determines the viability or durability of it. If you take it's temperature; and it always has a high fever, it's unhealthy and the prognosis is bad. It isn't going to live.
The relationship (if you can call it that) might last; but it stinks to hell and back! People often stay together because the sex is good; but everything else about the relationship sucks! Joined by lust and not love.
There is no hope for two people always arguing over stupid junk. Usually over some dumb insecurity-complex. All because somebody has trust issues. Why? It's always the same damned reason. He or she (or both) never got over how "previous relationships" didn't workout.
SERIOUSLY?!!
You won't like this advice. It's not easily taken.
Access the quality of the relationship from the beginning to the present. Look back in retrospect at how you behaved, and what kind of responses or reactions you get for the way you behaved. Then review your memory as far back as you can go; and think of what you both fight about most often. Who starts those arguments? If it's always over other women; why the hell are you still with a guy you can't trust, and suspect will cheat on you???
I answer posts everyday, regardless of how busy my schedule is; because there are a lot of very young people in relationships; and apparently their own parents don't offer much guidance. Their parents fail to give them a model or blueprint to go by. Mainly because parents are more often clueless themselves. Good for nothing but breeding children! Not knowing what to do with or for them, as they grow-up.
Placing their heavy demands and high expectations on them to prove themselves; when they didn't set a good foundation for those poor kids to build upon. Yet they demand and expect so damned much! Then they divorce, and start another generation to carry-on the family-curse.
INSECURITY KILLS RELATIONSHIPS!!! I want that to echo from the mountaintops to the world!
We ALL have insecurities. You have to learn to manage and control them. Not let them control you! When they control you, they f*ck-up everything you try to do. We don't fail because we're stupid; we fail because we resist taking responsibility for our own decisions and behavior. We resist seeking knowledge aimed at fixing what we know needs fixing, before seeking our reward.
Do you reward a child with a cookie or an Xbox for being bad, or being good? Why would you expect someone to love and cherish you for being a pain in the ass? You don't get "unconditional-love" for being an asshat! Only an assh*le would expect to!
You cannot operate, appreciate, or maintain a loving relationship; if you don't trust each other.
You are spinning your wheels when you cling to a man who doesn't respect you. What's the point of trying to hold on to a guy who keeps track of his exes? Meanwhile, using them as leverage or a weapon. In order to whip you into submission to his will; and/or to gain control over you through manipulation. Breaking-down your self-esteem by using your own childishness and weaknesses against you.
Arm yourself with common-sense and maturity.GET A GRIP!!!
He is sorry he's with you. You argue too much. He looks back when he remembers how peaceful it once was, even with the others. He also wants to get to you and kill you with your own jealousy and persistent hostility.
You fight so much, because you're a bad match. It's about to come to a head and break. When, I'll say when, not if...it does finally terminate. Take time off from being in a relationship; and date occasionally for fun and companionship. You need time to grow-up, get-over wounds from past relationships, get his poison out of your system before he destroys you; and don't commit to a relationship until you've overcome your insecurities. Be a strong woman!
Relationships only work for mature, sane, reasonable people. Insecure people fight, play head-games, pull vindictive stunts on each other; and breakup over and over and over again. If this won't help you, it will help another OP in the same predicament.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 July 2018):
 While I do "get" why he is doing it, I think it's pretty detrimental for a relationship.
However, I also think a LOT of people (due to it being so east to do) check up on old flames, exes, old coworkers, teachers, friends, etc... without ACTUALLY wanting to reignite the acquaintance or relationship. But every month?
To me it shows that he is STILL looking. You are not the one he sees himself with long term and he is STILL looking back to try and figure out IF that past relationship could have worked or was better than he thought or whatever.
What are you two arguing about once a month (ish)? That he feels compelled to check up on his exes?
Maybe the issue is NOT him looking up exes but you two arguing that much?
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