A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I think I know the answer but my good old agony aunts and uncles always help me process. I had not been in a serious relationship in over 4 years. I had a horrible experience w a real live narcissist back in 2017. After much personal work, I decided for one of my new year resolutions to get healthy, start a company, and try dating. I met some awesome people and also successfully dodged bullets. However, I met this 46 year old father and we spent a lot of time together. Once he even said he loved me. He felt embarrassed so we changed the subject. He’d contact me daily too. Since he’s a doctor, I wouldn’t initiate much conversation during the week because I assumed he’d rather be undisturbed at work. Turns out, he resented it bc he felt I didn’t care or show enough interest. I found it strange because I would spend most of my free time w him. He also mentioned maybe I’m only with him because he’s a doctor. I said I’ve met plenty and he said, “see, I knew you were talking to other people”. I was not and with what time since I’m with him on my days off. He said he’s insecure w me too because I’m very fit and he’s not. I showed him pictures of last year where I was def not fit. I merely made a decision I needed to think about my health w me turning 40 and all. To make a long story short, he went from wanting to plan vacations, meet his parents, etc to asking for a break the day before Thanksgiving!! I was in shock, felt used, sad, mad. Just the weekend prior, we had a great time celebrating his birthday. It was just us but he seemed so happy. Looking back, I think he wanted to end things weeks ago. We spoke last week and he said he’s older now and he doesn’t have time to waste if I’m not sure. I’m 40 so it’s not this tremendous age gap. I think he’s the one unsure bc I have always been respectful and always had a great time when together. A part of me wants to wait it out, maybe see other people while he comes to his senses. But, I need objective opinions. We have not contacted each other since last week. If I text or call, he responds right away. We admit to missing each other too. Idk what to think. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2022): "a real live narcissist" you say?
Well they come in many shapes and forms!
Some are really strong and some are weak, some you see from a mile away, for others you need to get really close.
He's too old to be acting like this. At his age it's "sh*t or get off the pot". He's unpredictable. And that is really abd for a relationship. I've seen people who argue pretty often but who could really count on one another. And I've seen "perfect" couples which fell apart when one evening one of the partners just decided to stay with their long-term "other partner".
Only people in the couple know what is really going on.
He sounds like a needy, self-absorbed person. There's NOTHING to wait for. You're 40. Now's the time to find a person you can share your life with. Don't waste your LIFE on him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2022): I meant to say:
"He may not be [as] sure of his feelings [as] he was leading you to believe; or they could be under the manipulation of his kid, or his ex."
"Doctors [can't] heal or fix everything!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2022): A man pushing 50, a professional, yet so flighty and indecisive; tells me that's a man you can't trust. He's always talking about how he can't trust you, and maybe you're not as into him as he wants you to be. I could see this kind of fickle behavior in a guy half his age; but this man is highly educated, a father, has a practice to maintain, and shouldn't be so wishy-washy and goofy when it comes to serious adult-relationships. I suspect it's what the eye can't see, that you need to be concerned about.
In all fairness to the guy, I have to mention the fact that you've omitted several important factors that are critical to responding to your question. Of course, our answers are purely speculative; we've never met either of you. He deserves some benefit of the doubt; because his behavior could be based on a few mitigating factors that have a lot to do with his past, and how it effects the present.
Is he a divorcee with a kid? Is he actually divorced, or legally-separated? Did he just have a kid with his ex, but they were never married? A guy in any one of these categories may be a certain way when trying to move-on, and establish a new romantic-connection; one possibly leading to a new committed-relationship. Any decision made has to be in the best interest of his kid, if the child is still a minor under the age of 18. There may be child-support issues. His ex-girlfriend, or ex-wife, may still harbor resentment over their divorce, or separation; and could be meddling in the background. Keeping him on pins and needles.
His child may be having issues dealing with the separation of his/her parents, and their father dating other women. Meanwhile; and he's juggling/struggling with all these things in the background, but not sharing the messy details with you. Giving the illusion that everything in his corner is under control; but the facts might prove otherwise. He's a mess, and trying to hide it all from you. Rather than owning the fact his life is in flux and confusion, as compared to yours. You've obviously shared with him about your journey to self-improvement and enlightenment. You're in the process of pulling your life together; whereas, he might not be there just quite yet. Better to protect his male-ego and gaslight you a little; placing the blame on you, if he can't stay committed. He may have said the "L-word prematurely," and now he's got to create himself a way to escape. He may not be sure of his feelings and he was leading you to believe; or they could be under the manipulation of his kid, or his ex. Maybe both! He could also be setting the standard for a second-mother to his kid. Standards that you might fall short of; so he's vacillating between practicalities, and his own feelings.
Everyone should be cautious when dating. Not flighty, capricious, or void of commonsense. We should make sure we're all on the same page; but pump the brakes when it seems we're getting ahead of ourselves. Be that the case, explain your actions, leave nothing to presumption. We're all adults here! We all might question whether the other person is as invested; but you can't rush how another person feels. We don't fall in-love according to somebody's timetable, or on cue.
I have to look at this guy with side-eyes; because it looks like he's making sure he always has a means of easy escape. He places a lot of pressure on you to prove something to him; but he's the flighty one. I can only judge by the information you've provided; but have to cut the guy some slack. As previously mentioned; I'll give him benefit of the doubt, receiving only one side of the story. He has a kid. He has either been married, or was in a tumultuous relationship with the mother of his kid. You can't judge all future relationships, or people, based on how things turned-out with somebody else. If you did that, you'll never have a healthy happy relationship; always looking for hidden discrepancies, and making comparisons. There are no guarantees in life; and even he can't promise you he won't screw-up, break your heart, or even worse.
I think he's somewhere stuck in the middle of something, or there is a negative outside-influence; that he has failed to honestly discuss with you. He'd rather leave you thinking it's all on you, or somehow your fault he suddenly decided to bail. He's a doctor, he's got to live-up to an image of success and higher standards. One minute all things are great, and the next he wants to take a break. What's up with that???
The questions here are not only "why" is he doing this, but "who" is it that's the third-wheel that he hasn't been totally open and honest about? When first things are all honky-dory; then suddenly turn on a dime! It's either baby-mama drama (which can also include the baby), or he's not as together as he pretends to be. He doesn't know what he wants, or what he's doing. Being a doctor doesn't make you superhuman or perfect on a personal-level. It's an honorable and coveted profession among professions. However, maturity and experience should facilitate making healthy relationships without pauses and breaks to recalculate your moves; because you don't have a frigging clue when it comes to relationships!
By the way, I'd take umbrage to the accusation I'm only dating someone because they're a doctor! They aren't always the trophy catch everybody tries to make them out to be. Many are arrogant, condescending, self-absorbed, and narcissistic. Being a doctor doesn't offer any guarantee he's a good choice. He shouldn't inflate his self-importance! You're just as much of a catch as he thinks he is! Why isn't he with his ex, why'd she let go of her trophy? Doctors and heal or fix everything! Some can't keep a family together. He should let a little air out of his ego!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 December 2022):
 Sounds like you found another self-absorbed man, OP
You KNOW what a toxic man is like. The thing is there isn't just ONE version of toxic people. You dated "a real live narcissist" in the past so you KNOW those flags, however, that might also mean that you ignore other flags that aren't so obvious.
If your "doctor" was unhappy that you didn't text during the day he COULD HAVE (like a fucking adult) texted you and communicated that he LIKED some more communication during the day, IF that worked for you too.
What did he do instead? He would claim YOU didn't care.
That you were ONLY with him because he is a doctor.
That you were talking to other men.
YOU are the one in the wrong... according to him. YOU should have read his mind and texted the "appropriate" (according to him) amount during the work day.
He thinks he is a GREAT catch - but he is realizing that YOU are one too and he doesn't like that. He wanted YOU to be GRATEFUL that HE was interested in you. He wants to be superior to you in EVERY way. And he has realized he isn't. He doesn't like that. So what does he do? He punishes you by asking for a break (mind you not a break up). Because he wants YOU to BEG for him to come back.
You CAN NOT conduct a healthy relationship by taking "breaks". You can't press "pause" in life.
Honey, OP...
I'd say wish him well. Block him and move on.
There is definitely a reason why this man is single at 46 if he is "such a great catch"...
This is not a good fit. He sounds utterly selfish and self-centered.
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