A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:He's having an affair.I can't decide what to do. I know my partner hasn't always been happy in more recent years (We have been together for 12 years, oldest child 6, youngest 2.) There have been times when he has said he is so bored, that I am getting fat and old, that I'm boring. Equally there are times when we are happy and he says I have beautiful eyes etc and that he loves me. Just over a year ago I had a brace fitted to my teeth to straigthen them because he hounded me about it and implied he would leave if I didn't. There are many times that I have thought he is an alcoholic because he would drink so much, particularly on a Friday night, and then be ill all Saturday and grumpy with me and the children. I think I have withdrawn from him over the past few years because of his bouts of drinking and bad behaviour. He has said some very cruel things to me when drunk and then later on recovery apologised and said he didn't mean them. At one time about a year ago his drinking was so bad I thought he might kill us all in our beds. 8 weeks ago he went on a 2 week course in Naples. He rang during the first week but no calls in the second. When he came back he had had a fantastic time, nightlife etc. He quickly became miserable because he said everything was boring to him now, not like Naples. A week later we went on our annual 2 week holiday and it was hell. He was grumpy and horrible all the time. He made us all unhappy for 2 weeks and nearly crashed the car with us all in it in his bad temper. We came back and things improved a little. 3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again and dare not tell him for fear of his reaction. After a few days I told him and while he was not over the moon he was OK with it. A few days later I miscarried. Last Friday night he drank at home and stayed up until 6 am. When I got up I found a document on the computer, a letter to a girl he had met in Naples, oozing love etc and saying he was missing her so much it was making him feel ill etc. I couldn't believe it. I found out how to access his emails and there are loads from him to her, her to him etc. Even when I told him I was pregnant he then asked her to meet him in Paris in a few weeks. They have agreed to meet next weekend in Paris (he has to be there for a meeting on the Monday)and their letters are full of longing and anticipation) He does not know I know. Yesterday I cried a little when I was getting ready for work. He noticed I had been crying but I said I hadn't. Later he rang me to check I was Ok and he told me he loves me. He is still talking as though we have a future together as a family e.g. when I get back we'll do this, next year we'll do ....Half of me wants to end it, put a letter in his luggage that he will find and open in Paris telling him not to come home because I am starting a new life without him. Half of me wants to stay and play a long game plan in the hope that it will fizzle out. I do still love him but is that enough. I don't want to be a fool but I feel sad for our daughters if we split.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): Me again. I haven't done anything yet. Obviously I've been thinking a lot. At one point I was going to confront him before he went but I let the moment pass. I know he will say hurtful things to me and I just can't bear that. He continues to talk about a future togetehr. He has been very happy the past week but because rendezvous with girlfriend on the horizon no doubt. I let him leave this morning at 6.00 am to catch the plane for Paris. I did't put a letter in his bag revealing all because I thought this cowardly. Anyway I have let him go to spend 3 nights with her. No doubt they will be closer after this and I will stand less of a chance. He will come back and after a day will start to be miserable and horrible because he misses her and is disatisfied with his life with me. I'm spending my time sorting things out at home so that I can ask him to leave and give him his bag at the same time. That is the plan. At this moment it all seems inevitable.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Just leave him His not worth it. Your children are more important. take them and leave.
People like him will never change, i left my guy and im much happier.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): I can identify with you as i am going through the same sadness as you. I have not found any real concrete proof but my children have suffered the arguments, and violence against objects and furniture not us.
He too has been critical and abusive and he is out at the moment.
I spent four hours with a friend today spilling out my woe. She has been in same situation with lies and defensive behavior.
I always say that we have choices. No one makes you behave a certain way, it is your choice of how you react.
If he was unhappy then he should have told you and tried to meet you half way with kindness. He should have encouraged you to feel good about yourself.
I have a dear friend who is terminally ill and she would say life is too short. She is a young grandmother and may never see grandchildren grow up.
Confront him, dont feel sorry for him. Take it from there.
tell the kids that you love them.
I bet you are the most beautiful person in the world but he is an ignorant pig and cant see it.
Borrow or buy any books by Louise Hay eg Empowering Women or The Power Is Within You.
Good luck, I am not a manhater, I am just having a crap time of it myself.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 September 2007):
 Put the letter in his suitcase and set him free. He's been miserable for years. It sounds like he's only staying for the children and the comfort factor of having someone to come home to, though his actions show he takes you for granted and I question whether he really loves you, or he's just going through the motions. While he's in Paris, you can file for divorce, and prepare your children for the changes that will take place. You may discover they are quite relieved to have him gone and be able to have some peace again. Face this like a new chapter and just know that you are not living life to the fullest by staying with this man. If he realizes he's losing you, he may be willing to get the help he needs to overcome his drinking problems, and his anger issues. I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): Just be honest and tell him. You have been together a long time and the relationship deserves that. Even if you do break up the children need him, which won't be so easy to keep going from Naples. You have to think about what next. It does not sound like a tenable relationship. It is really hard to be a stepmum for example, there are many factors involved, the other woman is far away and surrounded by "ifs".
Once you have told him that you know you need to know what you would ike to happen next. I would suggest that you tell him that he is free to leave and not come back. If he stays he will have to work very hard to convince you that he is sorry. It will take an enormous effort from him. He may not be ready for that whilst still pining.
Do something now. There is nothing more scary to a man who is not prepared. At the moment he is living with one foot in one camp, one in the other, but he is not ready to go yet. Perhaps he is living in a dream or in denial. This time is crucial to making an impact. If you let him go to Naples/Paris first he can take comfort in the arms of his lover. If he has to see what he is leaving, as in your family, it will at least tug him in the right places.
Then you have to decide whether you still want him. You may very well not and all power to you.
Don't think that ignoring this will make it go away, it will not. This is the only time that you can have a chance of changing things and even then you may not succeed. Buy a book called Love Must Be Tough on line. It is a fab because it tells you exactly what to do and say in these situations. It says when a man is looking for himself and wanting freedom, give it. Do not beg and do not criticise him, it makes things 1000 times worse. If he thinks you are part of his shackles knock away that vision. He is the only person limitting his life. There is nothing to stop you saying how this makes you feel as a person, just don't fall into the trap of nagging or begging. You just can't force him to love you. All you can do is whip away his props so he can really feel what it would be like to be alone. Do not make it easy. It takes two to make a marriage fail and two to want to put it back together, it sounds as though your husband has felt quite unfulfilled for a long time. He is also very cruel and critical of you. I am completely sure that there are people out there who would value your presence in their life.
All this may be a mid life crisis too, which you should research on line. The most important thing I can say is get the book, I know it helps. You are going to need a lot of courage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): This is a tough situation to be in, the old saying of love conquers all doesnt really happen in most cases.
You can stay,even if you confront him,he wont leave ,he will ask for forgivness,men don't usually leave a family,wether he wants to or not,or wether he loves you or not,he wont run off.
I been here,the thing is ,the hardest thing is ,is that you can easily forgive,and try to work it out,but YOU will never forget the betrayel,and because of that it is not a easy task to try and carry on with a life with him.
The children will see it no matter what,the tension,the anger,the sadness in the home,that effects them alot more then if you were both to go seperate ways and be happy.
Fat and old,no one deserves that at all,it is very hard to try and move on especially with children involved,but after myself waiting and put thruogh misery for so many years of a bad marriage.I am glad i got the courage to do what i needed to do to be happy.
Best thing i would suggest is to sit and think about it long and hard,you love him....but does he truley love you,or is it just familarity of the security you both have,in love,or has it become more a love,of just caring,almost brother ,sister love, family love.
I would bide my time think about it,an as you do get yourself in order,figure out what you need to survive without him,make yourself feel good.Excercise i found a great tool to move along with,reading books,main thing is make yourself happy no matter what,that happiness then spreads to your children.Both my boys tell me today they knew and although happy i stayed for them they are also sad i was so misreable,they both now 20,21 want all the happiness i deserve.SO children know long before you realise they do.
My husband cheating 4 times over 18 years, each time saying how much he loves me and me forgiving him,i stayed till the kids were 18,and then walked out the door,but he did it once and then again,even you know he swore he would never again.As i say it will not be easy at all,But alot of things you really need to sit and think about.Before you jump out the door.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2007): Leave him, it's not just the cheating but the way he treats you sometimes and make you feel like rubbish. My dad would NEVER call my mum fat or hound her to get her teeth straighten or anything else for that matter!
You are setting a very bad example to your daughters, your saying to them that men can treat you this way and it's okay! yes you will be a fool if you stay, there are better men out there.
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