A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my guy for over 5 years. Together we have two kids (2 and 4). We haven't had a regular sex life since I fell pregnant with #2 in Oct 2010. This year alone we have had sex about 4 times. I have tried to talk to him about it but he gets defensive and really angry and never has a good reason. (I'm tired is the main excuse)We don't cuddle, kiss, go on regular dates or anything that couples do. It all went out the window around the same time the sex stopped.He is NOT cheating on me. He is NOT gay. I know this much. But he is not interested in me, romantically. He spends hundreds of dollars on me, pays most the bills and is an excellent father to the kids. He is financially stable and has a good job. He is a great guy and is always there if I need to talk to him and he is always taking the kids to cool places.Do I stay with him or not? He's an amazing guy, but there's no "spark"... it's just gone? I have tried to talk about it but he really loses it... I don't want to talk about it anymore because I can't stand the crap I have to deal with after wards (the arguing).
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 he's tired.
and distracted
and that's not a good reason.
my husband never wants me either.
so i went to him and told him "I love you but if you don't step up and make me feel wanted I'm going to have to take a lover. I won't do it without your permission as I won't cheat on you, and I don't WANT to do it because I love you and I want US to be together."
granted we do not have small children and we have cuddles and kisses daily....
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. Being in a sexless relationship can be incredibly tough. Especially for someone as young as you.
You don't mention your man's age, but could it be an age-thing? If he is significantly older it could be a natural turn of events.
Since you do have quite a bit of history, I am sure that sex has become a little bit of a chore for him. Let's face it, he's been there and done that. It takes work -- for all couples -- to keep the spark alive. Add to the recipe that he is raising two children and you (plus whatever else you have going on) and you can probably see why he might be feeling overwhelmed.
Here are my suggestions:
1) If he is tired all the time, why not have sex in the morning -- especially on the weekends. Plan for it.
2) If he is tired all the time, identify the problem. Is he overworked? Stressed out? Is he worried about making you pregnant again? Is he resentful about having children so early in life? These are all things that could be distracting him from the job at hand. Some of these things you can fix: if money is a problem, cut expenses, etc...
3) Would you want to have sex with you -- if you were him? Are you nagging? Are you in shape? Are you still attractive? Sure making a baby can change a woman's body, but make sure you haven't let laziness take over.
4) Seduce him. Seriously, dress up for the part. Sexy lingerie, perfume, candles, etc. Send a nasty text or even plan a night in a no-tell motel. You might have to initiate things -- as blatantly as possible. Don't ask or talk about it -- do it!
5) Ask him if he is mad at you. Sometimes men withdraw from sex with their partners if they are harboring a resentment. Men tend to try to solve problems on their own and he may have a lot more on his mind then you know of.
6) Watch out about being a nag. Nagging your man can be a libido killer. Really take a look at how you interact with him.
Ultimately on whether you leave or not is up to you. You have two young children that you have to think about as well and being a single parent is TOUGH. I would certainly hope you give it a serious go on fixing whatever is going on.
I would also encourage you to entertain the thought of going to counseling -- even if you go by yourself. They might be able to identify what is the true source of the problem here. I think the answer is there but I don't think you've given us anything concrete to go on and a professional may be able to unearth it.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 With young kids you have to sacrifice couple time somewhat. As a young father he is doing amazing, compared to his peers. He is not particularly enjoying this stage of life but he is already trying his best. There is only so much a person can handle. Right now you are in survival, child rearing mode. When you look at our needs and wants in a priority list, sex goes to the bottom. The second to bottom is me time, idle time. It is like filling up different tanks. When one tank is satisfied then you can start looking at other tanks.
The only thing you could do is appreciate his efforts. You could arrange babysitting. Doesn't have to be expensive date nights. Just you two doing nothing and relaxing, to recharge your energy. When he feels that sex is something to enjoy, and not to comply with, maybe he will be open to it. He needs to feel that you accept him no matter what, sex or no sex. With no pressure he is more likely to explore the idea of fun again. Show him you have faith that the spark will come back again. The kids do grow up and will give you more independence later.
I don't think a man would stay with a woman he doesn't love. When there is love there will be sex, just not right now. It's okay to wait.
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