A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here it goes...I am a 21-year-old, single mother at this point. My current ex is the father of my child.In the beginning of our relationship, he was kind, caring, sweet, loving and good to me. However, we did have our problems. I cheated on him and he cheated on me, but we were strong enough then to pull through. Later in the relationship, news of my being pregnant brought us closer as well as pulled us apart. At first, we were both quite excited. After awhile, it seemed like he just didn't care and I started feeling as though I didn't love him any more.Recently, he and I had spent a night drinking and playing games with a few mutual friends. Long story short, he ended up choke slamming me, hitting me in the face, threatening to give me 2 black eyes and break my ribs, pulling me around by my hair and throwing me into a wall. Of course, afterwards, he fed me the whole, "I am so sorry. It'll never happen again." story. I told him to stay away from me and my child; ended the relationship right there.My problem is... I still care deeply for him. Not certain I want to call it love right now, but it could be. I worry about how he's doing and want so badly to check on him. At the same time, I'm afraid to give him the opportunity to get in to my head even a little. Years ago, I was in a both physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I can guarantee that I do not want to go through anything like that again. Especially since I have a child now. However, I find that I still feel for him. So, if anyone can give me some guidance it would be very much appreciated.
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female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (24 November 2011):
 Hi there!
Ive been in the same situation as you when my ex partner got drunk and beat the crap out of me. Like yours he was so kind and sincere to start off with. Then one night he got drunk and beat me.
Of course he fed me the "im sorry, your the love of my life, i was drunk, please forgive me" story, but essentially hitting a partner is ABUSE and WRONG. There is NO excuse for doing it.
After he did that to me i walked away from the relationship because no one deserves to be beaten up by someone who says they love them and care for them.
Its natural you care for him, you have an attachment to your ex because of your child but i can guarantee if you allow him to get close to you he wont stop the hitting, unless of course he goes to therapy to help his esteem and anger issues and cuts drinking out completely.
I hope this helps!
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 November 2011):
 You know you can't have contact with this man. You know the abuse will not stop. You know you have to keep yourself and the baby safe. You know that when guys hit, they will hit again.You know all this - that's why you threw him out.Abusive men, often start the abuse when the woman gets pregnant. It then goes on, and on, and each time is worse. Children brought up in homes where women are treated as punchbags, often go on to be abusers themselves (boys) or often end up in relationships with abusive men (girls)LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH - A PAIN FREE LIFE MATTERS MOREYour a young single mother, times are hard, it's natural to want somebody there to share experiences with. But this guy aint it. What excuse can there be for broken ribs, that's no mistake, that's an intention to maim (and possibly kill) Your looking at your kid (who you love) and you then start thinking about the father. You start thinking about the good times, you want him ok, because he's still your child's father and he was once important to you.But you been there before babes - you know what abuse does to you in the long run. It's OK to think about him, even to want him well. But it's NOT OK to call him, to see him or make any action to bring the brutal man back in your life. So you might love him, that's ok, you got a big heart, you strong enough never to give up on love. But this guy is the wrong one. Love him in your head only, but take your feet and get out in the world and find someone who loves you in the way you deserve.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): So did your childhood parents abuse one another in such a fashion? Are you used to drinking and seeing fighting, violence? Were you often the child victim of abusive parents?I'm going to say yes because children who grow up in such an environment are TAUGHT that it is normal and acceptable of a man to beat them. They mistake alcoholism and violence as normal, acceptable so of course they will think its a part of love.To those who haven't been exposed to such depravity and abuse as a child- IT IS NOT LOVE. IT IS NOT HEALTHY.IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.IT IS NOT NORMAL.This EX needs some anger management as well as Therapy/Counselling to heal and recover from his chaotic childhood just as much as YOU need Therapy/Counselling to get healthy, stronger, wiser and make HEALTHY decisions.Counselling also stops the cycle of abuse you are caught up in and will bring peace, love, harmony to your child. Stop being like your parents and teaching your child that that is what Love is. It's not.I was raised in such a childhood- world war III conditions. Hardly a night of safety. Hardly any food. Neglected, Abused by many. It is an injustice for ANY child to live and be raised in such conditions.Do the BEST thing you could ever do, out of love, for yourself, your child and your inner little girl that still needs to be loved in a safe, healthy way and seek counselling.It will do wonders for you. As and Adult Survivor, I testify this to you. Things will improve as you Heal. *hugs*
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 November 2011):
 I admit that back in May I hit my partner.
I was very angry and out of control. It was not an excuse. And just because I'm a woman does not make it any better. I never sould have hit him. It was WRONG. and I was horrified. I could tell you that the reason I hit him was because he 'blah blah blah' but that does not mitigate that I HIT THE MAN I LOVE...
I have sworn and promised that I will never ever raise my hand in anger again... and he has taken my word on that. And I won't.
We did get into counseling for communication issues (they seem to be our biggest problem) and are working very hard on making a calmer relationship.
IF he's never had a temper before and it was a one shot deal and he will go to counseling alone and/or with you, you might want to talk to him about it...
IF he takes the stance that he was RIGHT and you deserved it, or it's happened before, then no you need to move on...
fool me once shame on you
fool me twice shame on me....
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A
female
reader, Justmeclaire2011 +, writes (23 November 2011):
From my own experience when they say they will never do it again its a lie!! And they do it again, but it get worse each time!! So i personally would run and keep running.
But trying to be open minded about this, i do believe that a man who is truly sorry and does truly love you will do all he can to get the help needed to ensure that he would never do that again.
And if your even thinking twice about giving him a second chance, then surely you must ensure he proves himself and gets the help he needs to control his temper, if he's not willing to do that, then don't look back!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 November 2011):
 I expect what you are feeling for is the loss of your idea of what he could have been to you. He turned out to be violent, and with your past history of an abusive relationship, perhaps you are selecting men who are abusers. You did have happy times together and you probably imagined a happy future; it's not surprising that you would mourn that and miss that about him.
I hope you found some local help in getting some support like counseling, to figure out why you find yourself in these relationships. I have a link for you that will set you on the path to those local resources. http://www.thehotline.org/
Don't allow him back into your head, as you put it, you need to keep your child and yourself safe. Best wishes.
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