A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok. I had an affair with a man I am in love with and he is in love with me. I got a divorce and he didn't. He told me he couldn't leave because of his small child. He does not want to lose his child or have his child growing up being shameful of his father because he left for another woman. He and his wife have had marital problems. He tells me they fight a lot, she gets mad at him very easily, and he knows their marriage will never last. He is waiting on her to end it. He wants to be with me when his marriage is over, but wants to do it "the right way". We were able to see each other and talk (somewhat) everyday until about 2 weeks ago. Another job has changed our situation. We can't really see one another, and can only talk for like a minute a day. His wife knows of the affair and knows he was in love with me. She thinks (or thought) the affair ended a year ago, but is still suspicious. She keeps tabs on him and his every move. He is afraid to do anything. He won't go anywhere without her permission. They are not affectionate toward one another. They havent had sex in almost a year. He still tells her he loves her, but doesn't kiss or hug her or anything. How long can she go in a relationship like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): She does know it happened. We had words. They have not been intimate, he is not attracted to her and the last time they "tried" it was unsuccessful (about a year ago). I cannot be a "mistress" without being able to see him. He is not getting to have his cake. He sounds very sad. I can tell when he lies to me or is not being completely honest(some kind of intuition thing) and those things are the truth. And yes she tried to make him change jobs (shifts to be exact), but he didn't. Put in a request and resended it, but told her it wasn't approved. Our Human Resources Rep. made him change.
Our situation has changed again. We are not able to see one another at all. Are only able to talk for like a minute a couple of days a week. I send him text messages he reads but is not able to reply to most of them. He fears he is being spied on at work which is where the phone is I am able to message him on, so he only gets them when he goes to the restroom. He still talks to me like he wants to be with me. How can a man be able to do this if he truly did not love me? How long can he or she continue this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): I agree I do have to commend you on leaving your husband and then having an affair...that shows class....
This man has no respect for you and uses the excuse of his wife and kids, he loves her but maybe because of all the arguing somehow his self-esteem is hurt, and he needed to prove something to her. I think they both realized they do love each other but he must feel an obligation to you what he did to you he feels guilty that he used you. You did bring his self-esteem back I mean leaving your husband for HIM! That is something that "the other woman" always wishes they could experience. But in the end he did not do this for you. Really you don't believe what he said, my husband used the excuse of not being intimate with me when all the time we were intimate everyday..I was a loving wife, but I have to admit I did have some vicious cycles during the month I really laid into him and maybe hurt his pride...He loves his wife, they are trying to work things out there are kids involved let the man try to mend what he destroyed while he has a chance and move on...GOOD LUCK..XOXOXO
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): I think you may find that he never leave his wife.
I do commend you in leaving your husband though! That was the right thing to do and now you can have a new relationship perhaps.
You have to consider that if he wanted to be with you - he would. His wife found out about his adultery a year ago you say, they obviously decided to stay together and try and make their marriage work. He is able to continue his affair with you because he is keeping his wife happy. You say they haven't had sex and argue all the time. But he still hasn't left and she still hasn't kicked him out. So how bad is it for him. Please get real and not only realise that he has been able to lie to both you and her. He tells you that he will leave and loves you, but still puts up with what you say is an unhappy marriage - why - because he wants to do it the right way. For goodness sake if this man was honourable, he wouldn't have got himself in this deep for this long. Your his mistress, that's all. He is not displaying any indications of not only leaving but also not being in love with you. If he was he has had plenty of time to get his marriage over. He has chosen not to.
Continuing the affair, with you does not mean that he loves you. It would be an interesting excersise to see how many married me, committing adultery, say to their bit's on the side that they are only staying in their marriage for the kids or because they want to leave 'nicely'. It is a shame that clearly that is crap and a common excuse to keep their mistressess happy. The other crack up is the business of how they don't have sex with their wives, and don't love them, their terribly unhappy, woes me! See yourself as he see's you. You can wait forever perhaps, or you could give him an altermatum. You must not ignore that she has already had, and he, the opportunity to end their marriage and they both have decided not to.
I think really doll if he was planning to have a life with you, by now and with all of the terrible things he has to put up with and be accountable for, he would.
He must have incredible integrity and stamina to stay in a dreadful loveless and sexless marriage, to a horrible wife who has this amazing power over him and whom he does not love, because the timing is not quite right. Clearly the attraction to be with you is not quite up to the timing stage for leaving yet! Leave him alone and find someone else. His marriage is his business and he is stuffing it up, but if he was going to be with you he would have already decided to do this. He is a coward and a liar.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): He sounds like a typical married man having an affair, my wife doesn't understand me, we don't sleep together etc, all the normal crap they spout. She certainly does not want to end the marriage and is probably still very much in love with him, he can't leave her because deep down he still wants her... If a man was desperate to leave his wife, he would do so, regardless. By giving you answers (you want to hear) he gets to keep you too, Also i'm curious how do YOU know they have not had sex for a year? Are you in the bedroom too? I don't know of any woman who would fight to keep her husband if she was in a marriage that had no love or passion.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Until she goes along to the sports shop and purchases herself a pair of balls and tells him to do 1. Cuz at the moment you are both too lacking in self esteem to give the bloke the heave ho and find someone that treats you both with respect. No shes not stupid, she knows hes still in touch with you.And he wants to end things the right way does he? whats that, argue til the poor kid is half demented and tells them hes proper sick of all the rows? Im struggling to see that being a more 'right' way than getting a backbone and admitting to his wife hes a cad and she simply isnt exciting enough for him anymore. Thats all it is i bet, hes bored. Awful thought isnt it that he will do the same to you one day. I dont think i would want a guy that didnt have the guts to end a relationship before moving onto the next. He certainly likes his cake doesnt he!Ive never understood that about people, but hey ho, thats just my opinion.Good luck.C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Probably until the child is 18. Are you prepared to wait that long? She sounds like she is fighting for her man! I guess you will know the truth when she becomes pregnant again... Don't forget, all of the information that you are getting about their marriage is from him, so it's only his truth. I'm quite sure she has a different truth, and it's pretty obvious that she has dug in her heels and is fighting for him. She watches him like a hawk, and SHE is the one who made him switch jobs. He might have told you otherwise, but wives always make their husband's leave a job where their mistress is, or fire their secretary if they know that they he is sleeping with her.
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