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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm so hurt and angry!My bf of almost 2 years is having a birthday party tomorrow. Ok, it's not exactly a party, it's just that his friends and classmates have planned to take him clubbing tomorrow night. The thing is, this guy is so hung up on my past. Because I used to have a friend with benefits to whom I gave oral sex to once, and because I went out two times with my friends to a pub and made out with a stranger each time, and also because once with my ex classmates from high school we played spin the bottle. And my ex friend with benefits forced a kiss on me. All of this happened prior to dating my guy. For this, and the fact that I lied about some of this stuff (because I knew how he'd react) he thinks I'm not trustworthy and that I'm a whore and that if I go out alone with my friends I'll cheat. I was a virgin though, I lost it to him!Tomorrow is this clubbing thing, and he doesn't want me there. He says that he wants to go out alone, with his friends. He promised he won't cheat, but all this jealousy of his and that he doesn't trust me makes me not trust him, I don't know why. And it's not like it was a "guys night out", he'll go out with several girls too. He said his former crush (who also crushed on him, and even last year when we were together, was still crushing on him) may go. He said it's because I deserve this for not being trustworthy, and aslo because he fears I may cause a scene (because when he starts asking about my past or saying things about it I can get quite upset and sometimes he makes me cry). Also because his former crush may be there, he thinks I'll make a scene.I don't know why I feel so jealous and fearful. I guess for once I'm hurt and angry that he wants to spend his birthday with everyone but me, supposedly the most important person in his life (his words, not mine). Then there's the fact that he'll be all single-ish around all these girls. That he may cheat, out of revenge (trust me he's very mad at me because of my "easy" past). And also that he can go out with his friends, alone, and I can't! I can't not even with my girlfriends, he just doesn't trust me one bit, he thinks I'm all about cheating (I'VE NEVER CHEATED!!!). I lost all my male friends. I only have some female friends left, and I never see them. And yet he can go out with his friends, and doesn't want me there for his birthday.How can I cope? He knows I'm upset about this, but asks me to be understanding.
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clubbing, crush, friend with benefits, jealous, my ex, oral sex, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): You should confront him. Tell him that there is no way you can undo the things you've already done. (Lets hope that you were not with him when you did this, because if not, then I do agree with him) if not, then tell him he has no reason, athority, or purpose trying to meddle in the life you two did not even share yet. There is no whay that this can be undone, but things can be repented for. Just prove your trust. If he cannot come to terms with the fact you are a new woman, then you must leave him.
A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Here is a great present for your boyfriend..... SEND HIM A BIRTHDAY CARD THAT SAYS..... DUDE YOU ARE SO DUMPED GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE.
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A
female
reader, britney spears  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 this guy doesnt seem like a very good bf. the past is the past and he should exept u and move on if he dont and wont then u move on
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Do you like this kind of life?
If you don't , you have the power to change things.
If you cannot get the satisfaction or happiness.
why stay in that relationship?
It is up to you to decide what you want from life and you do
not have to kow-tow to anyone ,
least of all to someone who cannot trust you.
The power is in your hands , use it wisely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Break free - this guy is not treating you with respect. You have been honest about your past with him. You state that you were a virgin until you got with him - so I don't see what his problem is? Unless, of course, he's a bit of a controller who is using your past (which, lets face it, compared to some people isn't exactly horrendous)to put you down, crush your self esteem and give him the perfect excuse to do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants (intimately or otherwise)and then be able to say that it's either your fault for being a whore (which you are not)or that you are crazy and judging him by your own "dirty standards" (which are actually HIS standards, not yours, as HE is the one pushing them on to you).
The fact that you have been having to drop friends to try and please him and that he is making these horrible, destructive statements about your morals and personality are your red flags, your warning signs to get gone from this guy. Leave him, take time out from getting involved with guys (even friends with benefits!) to work on rebuilding your self esteem, and then slowly ease yourself back into the dating game and find a guy who will care for you, be proud to have you by his side, and will understand that everyone has a past but that it is the person that we are today that counts.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2008): Well, you don't sound like a "whore" to me. But you do sound like you're not entirely trustworthy from where he's sitting.
You say you didn't tell him the truth for a while because you "knew how he would react." If you lied to him, that's called being untrustworthy.
He doesn't have a right to know anything he asks you, but he does have a right not to be lied to. If you didn't want to tell him something then you could have just said you weren't willing to discuss it with him.
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A
female
reader, dangerouslove. +, writes (12 June 2008):
 The past is the past.
We all make mistakes.
If he can't put it behind him, then whats the use?
Just because you have made mistakes does not make it acceptable for him to treat you this way. He thinks that he has an advantage over you, but he have to tell this man, What's what! He is trying to control every aspect of your life, don't let him!
Everytime he does something wrong, he is going to bring up your past as an excuse and guilt you to make you think what he has done is okay! It's not.
We all make mistakes.
Tell him to learn how to deal, or say goodbye!
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A
male
reader, JTalbott +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Sorry, until someone has the maturity to accept you just as you are, they're not the right one for you.
You've demonstrated a willingness to live your life in the moment which is very attractive to a person with a healthy sense of self-worth.
Live in peace with yourself and the adventures you've experienced.
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 How do you cope?
Sweetheart leave this man now!, He controls all aspects of your life, when you were typing your questions didn't you realise that?
You should not feel ashamed of your past. There is nothing to be ashamed of, you didn't do anything.
If he wants to go clubbing tomorrow then let him... Just make sure he knows if he dose then you wont be there on his return.
You deserve far more than this, you never cheated on him and for him to not want you at his birthday is just evil.
Sorry if its harsh but I really think you need to take control of your life back and do whats right for you.
No one should treat their partner like that its awufl!!!
Best of luck to you
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Honey, you've given this guy way too much control over your life. You need to take it back, and reconnect with your girl friends. He's obviously not the man for you if he has issues with your past, I think. This sounds a lot like some other posts I've seen recently, haven't you written in before?
I'd let him go off clubbing and make my own plans for the evening with my girlfriends if I were you. If you need to apologize to them for ignoring them for him, then it's time to do that. Better now, than later, as I fear you're going to be feeling left lonely a lot by this guy.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, yourdesire26 +, writes (12 June 2008):
 You know what honestly he should let you go no matter what!!! He is your boyfriend. If you want to go then you go because if he says he dont want you going then something is up. he shouldnt worry about your past and love you for who you are. the past is the past. if he cant understand that then maybe you shouldn't be with him especially if he makes you upset and you cry over that. he needs to get over it or you need to break it off. hope my advice helped!!!
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A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 O.k Honey no one should judge your present using the past. the fact that you have never cheated on him is worth noting that you have taken a different turn in your life. you told him about your past probably to let go of it and that it may not affect your future rlshps. apparently, he does not see this efforts of you coming clean. on the other hand, trust me it is very difficult for most ppl to come in terms with their partners past even when they have clearly made efforts to get out of the unwanted past. he may try to do the same things you did thinking that he is getting even with you but the truth of the matter you have done nothing wrong to him. if you know and are convinced that you have changed your undesirable past and here's a guy who will never get interms with it, i think you may start pulling out of the relationship and hopefully someday find a mature guy who will accept you in the present and not in the past. your bf has no right to judge you in anyway and he has no right to treat you in this manner to punish you for your past becoz he is not God (and after all, God also forgives worst pasts as long as you don't go back). you can sit and talk amongst you and ask really find out if he is able to get interms with your past and ask if it was better if you hadn't told him at all. you probably got something good going on among you two but the past will kill your relationship.
also try avoiding things now in the present that will affect your future. you do this by thinking of every action you do now on how it'd affect your future. do not feel guilty of the past and let it go and let him or anyone else bring pasts to your present. everyone has pasts we are not angels in this life. we fall, rise and walk.
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