A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I am confused. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years now. He is an exchange student, in the states as a college athlete. We have a good relationship now, but he used to be very possessive and controlling. He was never physically abusive, but mentally and emotinally, I am still recovering from the way he treated me before. Although he is from another culture and country and english is not his first language, we were able to sort through many of our differences and work things out well. I did have an ex boyfriend who I dated for three years before him who had went into the military. He was still very much in love with me, would call me all the time, and send me messages, so it made my and my current bf's relationship rocky from the start. But, I eventually was able to cut all communication with the ex. Suddenly, since my bf's father recently passed away, he has been much nicer to me. Although he was extremely insensitive when my grandma passed away previously, saying "come on...its the cycle of life" and practically guilting me, leaving her on her death bed to spend the summer with him in his country. fyi: During this summer, I was "unable" to take the classes that I wanted. I was "unable" to work, basically because being the smart girl that I am, I let him "disable" me. I had no friends there because I had no time away from him to make them and only was invited out with him and his friends a couple of times. He spent many hours on his computer and playing video games. Luckily he had a very sweet family I enjoyed spending time with. He had promised me we would go dancing together every weekend, go to the beach together, etc. We went dancing one time. He left me at the beach all of the time alone and once, when a nice person, a guy who i had ran into on the street one day- which we talked, became friends, and he knew i had a boyfriend, saw me on the beach and invited me to play a friendly game there on the beach with him and some of his friends, I, after first declining, finally (after 4 hrs of waiting for my bf) decided to join in. My boyfriend found me there and seemed okay at the time, but later yelled at me constantly and never let me live it down. Then, when I accidentally hit my head and got a concussion at his house, he didnt care. He left me with my head bleeding, forced me to go to the beach with his friends, and at dinner that night when I lost my hearing, was looking at me like I was a royal moron. Only two days later when he finally realized I had a concussion, did he start crying and take me to the hospital. When we were at school together he never let me hang out with my friends. He ruined one of my vacations with my best girlfriend and another guy friend of ours by calling constantly.... and fighting with me and yelling and crying, because I did not spend my break with him, although he was in school and had a different break than me and I had planned the trip with my best friend a long while ago. But when he wanted to see his freinds, we could go out with them, or he could go out with them, no problem. On our anniversary last fall, he was taking me on a date to a restaurant we both loved and to the place we first met, but on the way I had received a text message from a friend back home that one of my classmates from junior high and highschool had died. When I started talking about him, he yelled at me, that "this was our anniversary, and he didnt want to be talking about some other guy that he did not know." I dropped it, but was sad and angered inside. We actually ended up having a very nice night together. It sounds contradictory, but he can be charming and thoughtful. Since I told him I was ending it- and we needed a break unless he shaped up, he has been getting better. And now he is being very sweet, telling me, "go have fun with your freinds" "have fun" all the time. It seems as though he cares about me more and the quality of life. But, I am stuck at home, because I graduated, even at the top of my class, and got stuck living at home, working in a job i dont like, trying to commute 5 hrs everyother weekend to see him at school (he has one semester left)...and he tried to have me move out to school with him to the middle of nowhere, but I wouldnt go. So, my question now, is I am stuck. I cannot break up with him now because he is so depressed about his father, and he is being a wonderful, caring all-star bf now- so I am not sure if I should give him up. I never been this attracted to anyone before. But I am still so hurt, that when he treats me well now, although sometimes it makes me really happy, I am still very sad in retrospect, that I went through everything; that I had to "change" him or "wait" for him to become a nice person (to me). He is near to done with college, and I am hesitant to let things get more serious. I wonder if it is worth trying to overlook all that is in the past, but I dont want my heart to remember how poorly he treated me. I wonder if I can ever forget? advice? thanks in advance,smart girl
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a break, anniversary, best friend, depressed, living at home, military, text, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 January 2010):
I've stopped reading half way through.
This guy is abusive. He will not change and he will keep making you miserable for as long as he's in your life.
I really hope you are a "smart girl" and wake up.
Read through what you have written here and ask yourself why on earth you are still with this man?
I wouldn't accept this kind of behaviour from a stranger in the street. Why do you think so little of yourself that you let your BOYFRIEND do this?
Yes he's having a hard time at the moment, but there will always be some reason for you to stay with him. He must have other friends to help him through his troubles too.
You have to think of yourself.
Good Luck!! xx
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