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female
,
anonymous
writes: I hate my bloke of 18 months being in touch with his ex. He says its because of the kids, but they chatter away about stuff that isn't related to the kids. She moved away from the area so they only chat on the phone but that is bad enough. They even text each other and when ever she picks up their son she has to come to the door etc. It's driving me mad and just making me feel miserable. I don't have any contact with my ex. My son get in touch with his dad direct and i have no contact. Sometimes i feel like getting back in touch with my ex just to balance the whole thing up but he is such a twit and drives me mad.I don't know how to handle the situation anymore and think i felt happier and more confident when i was on my own with my son. I had loads of bounce and confidence and feel cr*p all the time now. I think the whole thing is making me feel depressed.any advice from you aunts, please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2006):
Its your issue.
It much better that these two parents have open lines of communication.
The women isnt even in town. This loss of confidence is all your issue.
A
female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Hun, we get lots of posts from dads whose new partners find their relationships with exes a strain. They have to juggle the two most important things in their lives and its tough. Its a damn shame that it is so hard for us girls to cope because often the men in question aren't even dreaming of cheating, the only thing they have in mind is their children. From what you have said, it sounds like your bf is one of these.
Your bf's son is really important and if he finds that the best way he can be a father is by being in friendly contact with his ex then so be it. I know that you have a different way of dealing with your own ex, but that doesn't make it the best for everyone. If I was a child, I would actually prefer that my mum could walk up to the door of my dad's house. I would prefer that they could chat and get along together. To impose on him an "only talk about family matters with her" ban is impossible for him to obey. It would be natural if his relationship with his ex was strained, but since they are on good terms, you would only be making him worry about every sentence that came out of his mouth. It's unnatural. And unnecessary.
I honestly think that his relationship with his ex is not wrong - and even a good thing. I would never advise anyone to act in ways that unstabilize family situations that have been reached in difficult circumstances. As much pain as this is causing you - and I do understand that this is very deep indeed - it is better this then his son feels it.
Revenge isn't going to work. I doubt your bf would care if you started chatting to your ex. I think the solution is not to get him to talk less to his ex, but to improve your self-confidence. Somehow you have to come to terms with who he is and his responsibilities and how he deals with them. Get treatment for your depression. I believe you have to figure out how to cope... or leave. I'm in tears now as I write this because I know I'm only adding to your pain. I can only tell you what it looks like from the outside.
Sally
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