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He cant love me until he can love himself. How do I help him?

Tagged as: Family, Gay relationships, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2012) 2 Answers - (Newest, 10 November 2012)
A male United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I am a gay college student who met an amazing guy about two months ago. We spent a lot of time together and grew to like each other a lot. We both have christian-esque values and want to wait until were basically sure we want to be married to become sexual. We started dating and developed a highly emotional relationship. We became extremely comfortable with each other and talked about basically everything. He became one of my best friends as well as my boyfriend and when I'm around him I lose all the stress of a college chem major.

He lives on a campus about 30 minutes away from mine and a few weeks ago I went to visit him and after dinner and a movie we got physical and took our relationship a little further than either of us were planning on going. I was a little upset at first but after looking at the situation, I decided it happened and there's nothing we can do about it but move on. I saw us as closer together. He was in better spirits than I was afterwards and the weekend finished off great.

The next week we went to watch a movie in theaters and he said he was feeling a little guilty about moving so quickly and he wanted to keep our relationship "pg" for now. Since the emotional aspect is the part of the relationship I really crave, I am fine with that.

About the middle of the week he began to text me less and less and when I tried to talk to him about it he admitted to me that he hated being gay and would change if he could. He said it had only made negative impacts in his life. (This hurt because I consider myself a positive impact). He decided that he wasn't ready for a relationship so we split up, but still text all the time and this being my first relationship, I have fallen hard for him. If my friends ask me I tell them I'm not in love because I am embarrassed by how quickly its happened. But this boy is the only thing I think about anymore.

He has had bad experiences with a few guys as well as his parents. He came out to them and they put him in counseling until he was "cured." He is highly stressed all of the time and the fact that he hates himself doesn't help at all. Now he associates me will all of the negative affects being gay has had on his life. I know he still enjoys being with me and cares about me, but I force him to think about and become more stressed over issues he would choose to suppress and not think about.

In my opinion the underlying problem in his self image lies in his relationship with his parents. He has yet to have a serious talk with them about being gay. I want to be here for him and help him, but he for now he doesn't want me in the same way. I spend a lot of my time feeling extremely alone, but I can't just move on. Together, we are both still very happy around each other. He still gives me the same butterflies he did on our first date, but we both are hurting and stressing a lot. I just don't know how to help him love himself, because he won't love me until then.

View related questions: best friend, christian, move on, split up, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2012):

You need to take care of yourself, because the only person you can control is yourself. for your sake, you should move on from him as he isn't on the same plane as you. It sounds like he has really deep seated issues and for good reason, this is the sort of thing that people spend years in therapy to untangle and sort out. Unless you enjoy feeling hurt and confused, don't invest yourself emotionally in him. what he needs is a platonic friend who understands but asks nothing from him. If you can be that, then great. If not, then keep your distance from him and leave him to sort out his issues. in the meantime, get out and meet more people, and you may find the right person to be in a relationship with, someone who is already on the same plane as yourself and doesn't need years of "work" to get to the same level as you. good luck!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2012):

Hmm your story sounds very similar to one of my stories. I met a worship leader awhile ago, but he's not out.I could relate to him a lot because I was once a worship leader, and I also used to play at many different churches. The first couple of times we hung out we always debated about being gay is not a sin. After hanging out with him for awhile, I fell in love with him. He's a very sweet guy and mature as well. One day we kissed and cuddled, but after that moment he started to feel more guilty and ashamed for being gay. He's not ready for a relationship because he's still trying to decided whether he wants ( or like he says, "he should") live a celibate life and not come out, or come out and find a fb and marry him. I know what you're going through, and unfortunately you can't do anything about it. Well, you can just be there for him when he needs to talk to a friend.

I'd always talk with this worship leader about coming out and what to do in worse case scenarios, but I realized that that's something he has to do own his own. No one can make us love ourselves. We can be there for them as friends in case they need a shoulder to lean on, but that's all we can do.

Trust me, you can tell him everything you want, like how things will get better after he comes out again, and how you will be there for him in case he needs someone by his side, but in his mind, his thoughts are totally the opposite

What I'd do, I'd just be there for him as friends, and try to minimize the communication you have with him as little as possible...I'm only telling you this so you won't keep falling more in love with him...Talking to him really often will make the moving on process even more complicated and painful. I won't tell you to wait for him because this could take many many years, and I'm sure you don't want to keep waiting along time. There were times I told myself I'd wait for the worship leader to love himself first so he could love me, but then I realized about how long this could take, and not only that, but all the drama that would come along with it. I need someone who deserves me and isn't afraid of being who he is, or at least willing to be helped in this process.

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