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female
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anonymous
writes: Is my fiance abusive? Last night I was cooking fries in a oil pot thing and my friend called to give me directions to her house. So, I had taken half of the fries out, and left the others in but unplugged it. Well my fiance came in livid because the ones I took out weren't cooked and the ones in the pot were ruined. He said that I didn't think of him as a priority! I couldn't believe how he was treating me, apologized, and he kept yelling at me. I gathered my stuff to go, and he stopped me, slammed a door really hard which freaked me out, and threw my purse out the door onto the ground. Then, he blocked his car in the driveway so I couldn't go anywhere. I called our mutual friend to tell her I couldn't make it now, and the reason why, and my fiance came over said he wanted to talk to her. So, I gave him my phone and he threw it on the ground! I was so mad that I took my ring off. THen he apologized profusely, and cried. I just don't know what to do. It was hard for me to accept his apology and he started saying he was never going to apologize again since I don't forgive. He also said that I get him so angry, and that's probably why my ex boyfriend was kind of violent to with breaking objects in front of me. Is it me, or is he the problem?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): Its not you: HE has a problem! He is abusive, pure and simple.
You would do well to break your engagement and never see or contact him ever again. His behavior was over the top, and you should not put up with it!
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Do NOT let him blame his anger management issues on you. You do not MAKE him feel anything; he's a grown up and he's responsible for his own actions.
This is only the beginning. If you stay, he will work to separate you from your friends and family, and by staying you will be telling him it's okay. Run like your ass is on fire. NO ONE gets to treat you this way!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 August 2007):
 Listen to the Aunts...RUN while you still can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): I grew up with a father that had rants and temper tantrums all of the time, and they came out of the blue apparantly for no reason. It was very very hard for me growing up in that house, especially as a teenage girl trying to become a woman and not feeling much love from her father...much of his anger and dissappointment was directed at me, I was the scapegoat in the family.
Although my dad has some wonderful qualities and is very popular and respected in our community, behind closed doors he was often mean to his family...he made me who I am today, I am smart, driven ambitious, but I struggled for years with self esteem issues. My dad had a rough childhood and his parents divorced in his early teens, something that was really unheard of in those days, my dad is 77 now. He has mellowed with age and we get on great now, but I regret that my childhood wasn't so warm and fuzzy and often traumatic.
Let this be a voice of your unborn child, if I could have picked a different kind of man to be my father I would have, he could control his temper when he wanted too, but he had control issues, and low level tolerance for frustration, to this day he thinks the world should fall in line with his ideas, and gets angry when it doesn't fit him...which is quite sad for him in many ways.
This guy is showing his true colors, he may be a good person at his core and really love you, but can you handle a life time of these tirades and his regret later?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): DO NOT MARRY HIM!! I was with a guy for 5 years and he broke my cell phone 4 times, broke my computer memory stick that had all of my college assignments on it, would block me in also with his car, wouldn't let me leave the apartment, broke my finger, punched me several times, threw things at my face. It goes on and on. You wanna know a couple reasons why he did these things? One time he punched me repeadetly because I was sick and didn't order him food over the phone! Another time was because I didn't pick him up fast food because I was late going to class and I stopped home and explained I didn't have time to stop for food, the line was really long, and he broke my computer memory stick that had all my college assignments on it. He had tantrums just like your fiancee is having. And trust me honey, it doesn't get any better. It got worse. And he would always say he was so sorry that he'd never do it again, and he loved me so much...etc. And he always would do it again. One time I asked why did he hit me and he said because he wanted to control me. But he would also cry and be a mommy's boy when I threatened to leave. These men are weak and insecure. And if you marry him he will just think he has the right to hurt you. get out now! I left and although it was hard b/c we shared a lot of things financially, I am so happy now that I left. Please don't put up with an abusive relationship. You can be happy and move on. You'll never be happy with him. And I mean EVER..but I believe you'll have to get to a point when you just can't stand anymore abuse before you get to the point of leaving him. One episode isn't going to be enough. You'll probably withstand years of abuse like I did.
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female
reader, meandmy2 +, writes (5 August 2007):
 He is the problem! This sounds like it could become physically violent at the drop of a hat. The part about your post that keeps standing out to me is that he told you that you "make him so angry". He is holding you responsible for his irrisponsible behavior. He is planting that seed of information within your mind now, and as it progresses, and it will, you will actually convince yourself that you have somehow caused it to happen. If you were my friend or my sister, I would tell you to get out now. But, I know that is sometimes easier said than done. So, my suggestion to you would be to look within yourself, decide if you really love this man-including this side of him. If you do, try having a rational talk with him, explain that what he did has hurt you deeply, and you can't go forward with this marriage unless he is willing to get help. If he agrees to join an anger management group, then maybe he truly doesn't like what he is becoming and wants to change. If he takes offense to you even bringing up the subject, Honey, RUN...as fast as your little feet will carry you, get yourself out of this situation before it gets worse.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (5 August 2007):
 Don't blame yourself for his bad behaviour. I would be very concerned in your situation and it is best that you know about these temper tantrums before contemplating marriage. You don't say if this is a one-off incident or recurring event but either way he should not treat you badly no matter what you do - and vice versa. Sounds like he has control issues that need to be addressed before you say 'i do'
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (5 August 2007):
 You both are the problem in how you reacted to your feelings. He's right in his feelings, because you can't really dispute how a person feels, but he's wrong in how he reacted to them. You're probably not making him a priority and if he acts out his feelings in that way, I can't blame you. However, for a man to throw a temper tantrum, then throw your stuff on the ground, he must be feeling quite a high level of frustration. If you have already lost respect for him, be real with yourself and ask yourself why you are still with him. It looks like your true feelings for him or lack of feelings for him may be coming out and he's reacting to it. If you don't love him, do both of you a favor and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): That he is upset that about fries and can infer you think your friend better and more important than him-yah he is abusive. People will look for anything to get mad over and that is what he did. He took something so small and made it even bigger and he choose to let his temper get out of hand.
Letting his temper rule him is a warning sign, trust your instincts. He uses his temper as a weapon and will do it to intimidate you, control you, beat you down.
He already demonstrate he has little to no respect for you. That is another signal to you and you know it instinctively.
Another sign of an abusive man is that he will prevent you from leaving. He also doesn't want you having friends. Your friend will pick up on his anger and abusive ways and will start to back away from this uncomfortable situation thus your abuser is isolating you from friends and family so all you feel and believe is that there is only him. He's making you his prisoner.
That he is placing blame, fault, and all the responsibility onto you, yes this is what abusive men do.
PLEASE LEAVE HIM.
And please get some counselling to figure out why you are attracted to abusive men. Is it because dad was? It's something.
Be smart and love yourself. Be strong.
Best Wishes.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (5 August 2007):
 He does have a temper, I'll admit. But does he flare up over little things, or is there usually good reason? The situation you described seemed benign for such actions, but perhaps he doesn't like your friend because she is a bad influence on you. Perhaps when the two of you get together, you act like two single girls (going to male strip clubs, partying until 3:00 AM) and he feels it threatens your relationship. Only you know the answer to that question. On the other hand, if he's a bit controlling in nature, then he probably just feels threatened by all of your friends regardless. I wouldn't say he's abusive unless he is verbally cruel when he's angry, or touches you physically. I think he's borderline. But in general men don't handle anger well and most of them scare the hell out of us when they're mad. Just watch his behavior for awhile and see if he blows up over stupid things, or seems unusually moody all the time. You'll know when he's crossed the line.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (5 August 2007):
 To me he sounds pretty abusive. If all this happened due to fries, then yes, I believe he has a big problem. It is definitely not you. Actually, not even a real serious situation should trigger this behavior. That he told you he regards ruined dinner as some proof you don't prioritate him is also in itself a huge red flag. Not to mention that he justifies his behavior by saying it is something in you that make him do this, and bring up your ex bf equally bad behavior as some proof for this. Be very careful with this guy.
Take care!
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