A
male
age
30-35,
*47
writes:I'm really depressed over the fact that I had never had girlfriend.Several hours ago I was crying and feeling incredible pain,just like always.A bit later my best(and only) friend calls.I was in no mood to talk because of my depression,which he sensed.I called him a couple of hours later and started talking about the usual.Tomorrow,he's going to the Y to work out and then he he's going to the movies,with a girl.I don't mind hanging out with him but I get uncomfortable when he has a girl and I don't.This sort of thing happened before and I felt uncomfortable and left out despite his efforts to include me.I know the reason he's doing this is to make me feel better and less isolated from the world,but this third wheel role I'm taking makes me feel uncomfortable.I guess I should make the best of it,I will be going to the mall,then movies where there are a lot of girls and having friends with me would make getting a date more likely.But I have a HUGE problem,I am VERY inhibited.I have A LOT of trouble meeting new people and talking to them.I can't even make eye contact without feeling like I'm going to die.This is magnified ten fold when it comes to girls,which is why I spend most of the time in my house depressed.A lot of you might think I'm pathetic and say cliche advice like "Just be yourself" or "Just be confident".Be myself?It Hasn't done me any good.Be confident?How?I can't just pull it out of my ass!I can't just walk up to girl and start talking or even just look at one from a distance,it's that much of a problem.Mo matter what logical arguments I make to show how unfounded my fears are,they just don't work!What I need are solutions.Solutions that provoke as little anxiety as possible.I know that serious anxiety problems don't get cured overnight,but I want to go as a third wheel,and come back as part of a couple.I don't want to be depressed and I don't want to be a third wheel forever!
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female
reader, bellasmommy  +, writes (27 July 2008):
First of all, i wanna say that alot of people i know havent had a boyfriend or girlfriend till they were atleast 20. I met my boyfriend when he was 20 and he was my first boyfriend and i was his first girl.
Anyway.. to help be more confident you should probably start talking to girls online (just to help you out with talking to them) then when your at a store. (like you sai, you go to the mall) try making a funny comment to a girl, like if you see a girl and she is looking at a shirt, tell her she is too pretty to wear it and then pick out something else..(ok thats not a great example.. but you get it.. right? lol) oh and try to go up to a girl who is alone, because if you go up to a girl with friends, they might try to act cool, or too good for you to impress their friends... anyway.. good luck.
A
male
reader, sjwcool +, writes (27 July 2008):
 I am kind a an expert at this most girls will respond to casual converstion much better than some cheesy line. if your that nerveous about it pick people your not really attracted to but, could be friends with. just talk about anything it could be the weather (seriously I have gotten dates from a conversation that started with the weather.) but, from there talk about common interests. obviously your less comfortable talking which can be a very good thing girls love to talk about what is going on with them just make sure you show your listening and occasionally add to the conversation. believe it or not I was incredibly shy till mid way through jr high but, I eventually go over it.
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A
female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (27 July 2008):
 The good news is you won't be a third wheel forever.
The bad news is the chances are you are not going to go out tomorrow, and end the evening as part of a couple. Sure, it might happen, but the chances aren't great. That's nothing to do with you, just they way life is!
The first part of any solution is not to put so much pressure on yourself. You will meet someone sooner or later, but don't feel like it just has to happen right this minute (or tomorrow night either!).
The important thing is to put yourself in places and positions where you are going to meet potential friends (and indeed, girls). Nobody ever met anyone sat at home, did they?
If you are not the type of person who can easily get chatting to people, then try to make those places ones where that isn't such a problem. Think about things you might like to do as a hobby or interest, and join some groups in your area relating to them - local libraries often keep lists, or of course search online. That way you know the people you meet have something in common with you and talking about that is far easier than trying to think of things to say.
Don't expect instant results, but allow yourself time to gradually develop your confidence. Like you said, you can't just "pull it out of your ass" can you? Small steps get us where we want to go, whereas trying to run too soon results in us falling flat on our faces.
Most importantly though, don't be afraid to seek help. Depression and serious anxiety problems are things that often benefit from (and indeed often need) professional help to find the solution. It could well be worth your while talking to your doctor who will be able to help you.
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