A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I'm feeling really low today and I just need to get this out.I'm 31 (and a half) and my husband and I have been trying to conceive for about 18 months. It took a long time before he felt ready for a family and then if only we'd known how long it would take to get pregnant.Both of us are healthy. We don't drink, smoke, do drugs, no medications etc. It is just so frustrating that it isn't happening for us. I left my job thinking the stress might have been affecting my fertility but now I feel like I've only put my life on hold for something that may NEVER happen.My marriage has become tense. As soon as I bring up the subject of babies, he gets this look on his face, like I'm a broken record - obsessed. It's hard not to be when it's the one thing you have such a yearning for. We've been together more than a decade and I think now we need to get practical about our age. Now is a good time, while we have our health and energy.Anyway, despite trying every month, we've had no luck, zilch. I've had my hormones checked and everything seems fine but my dr has said that until he gets his sperm tested, we can't move forward to see a fertility specialist. Trying to discuss it with him, it just goes nowhere. I'm tired because we're up late talking about it all the time, getting nowhere.Why is this so difficult? Has anyone else been in this situation?! I'm so lonely and frustrated in this. Any advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, PrincessRiches  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 I am in a similar situation myself. The first thing I will tell you is not to give up hope. I know lots of couples who have managed to concieve after YEARS of trying, some with help some without. I guess some people just have to wait that bit longer, and I guess we fall into that category. Sure, there are some people who fall pregnant at the drop of a hat-and it feels like you meet lots of them when tou are TTC, but they really aren't the norm. For every woman who quips "it happened so fast" there are lots and lots of women who have tried for months and months or even years.
My husband and I both got tested, as far as they can see, everything seems fine. At first I was frustrated, wishing they had found something to fix so I could finally concieve, but now I'm just grateful that all is OK and am just going to let fate decide when it happens. I'm sure people have suggested you "do things to take your mind off it" or "get a hobby" , and it's probably good advice, but I found it impossible. You wont FORGET about it, but what you can do is focus on all the positive things you do have in your life, you can start with your marriage, like I did. My husband (and lots of other people too,) were sick listening to me go on and on, they tried to be understanding, but I guess it was hard to listen to. If someone isn't in the situation themself they cant get their head around the intensity of what you feel when you are yearning for that child so much. So my husband and I have booked a vacation together for some alone/relaxation time, maybe you'se could do the same?
Hang in there and it WILL happen, and whilst it is frustrating, just imagine how much it will be worth it when you finally hold your little bundle! In the meantime... I reccomend ENJOYING your love life, doing things that DONT remind you of babies, and have a safe haven where you can go to when you are dont with fake smiles when pregnancy announcements attack! (Mine is my TV room with lots of wine and chocolate!)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): That's great that you've confirmed that you're ovulating!The book "Garden of Fertility" by Kate Singer is another good one, with lots of suggestions on things that may help you conceive. One thing to try is sleeping in TOTAL darkness. If you have light coming through your window, try to block it out. Try to make sure you're getting 8 hours of sleep each night, and that you're eating breakfast every day :)TCOYF.com has a great community (I think 50,000+ members) with a huge forum for those who are TTC…might be worth checking out!If you are definitely ovulating and your husband has a normal amount of healthy sperm (it's not just the count that matters, it also the shape/mobility), then yes, the next step is making sure your internal organs are all where they're supposed to be. This is much more invasive than what your husband has to do, which is why we're encouraging him to get checked out first! I hope it will do it for you, even if he doesn't want to know the results :) One important thing for him to know is that there are things that can be done if he realizes he is not making quite enough sperm to have a good chance of a pregnancy. (Even IVF could be a possibility down the line).I know this is incredibly stressful for you. I like the previous poster's idea to not talk about it for more that one or two nights/week. Try to stay busy and preoccupied to take your mind off of this :)I just had one more thought: I REALLY think you should start temping. The fact that your cycles are 5-6 weeks suggest the possibility that you may be getting pregnant and then spontaneously aborting after few days/week. If you starting temping daily you will be able to figure this out!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): Hi everyone, Wow.. thank you so so much! What wonderful advice from you all!I also very much appreciated having a male perspective. This helped greatly. I actually read it to him. Thank you!!To answer some of your questions. I know I have no problem with gluten. I've had full blood allergy tests, the only thing it came up I was allergic to was dustmites. They tested all the common allergy foods, which were fine.Yes I do ovulate. I have never bought a predictor kit and my cycles aren't so regular (they're 5 - 6 weeks).. so I can't chart them but yes, I know that I do. I get the CM signs, my cervix changes position and I get the middleshmirtz pain (on the day, for the entire day). I've also had my hormone levels and FSH levels tested etc so everything from my end looks fine. I'm pretty sure the next steps for me involve lots of internal poking round and so I see why at this stage they encourage the male to get tested. It's a lot of pain, expense and not to mention, hassle, involved from here on if it IS my side holding things up.I will keep checking this page for updates. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Hi, I have actually been studying fertility for the last two years, and my goal is to be a certified fertility counselor in a couple years. So, hopefully I can offer some helpful advice.1. He NEEDS to get his sperm count tested. This is a very important step. If his count is low, there are things he can start do (e.g., boxers instead of briefs, avoid using hot tubs, dietary changes) that can help with sperm health.2. Are you ovulating?? You need to be able to answer this question. I would start by reading the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". It will instruct you to take your temperature every morning, as soon as you wake up. Ovulation causes an increase in progesterone, which increases your basal body temperature.Once you figure out these two things, you will have a much better idea of what to do next!Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Hi,
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Just wondering have you tried a gluten free diet as a suggestion? Gluten intolerance, sensitivity and coeliac disease are one of the leading causes of unknown infertility. Read up on 'infertility and gluten' and maybe give it a go. Worth a try eh? I know of two girls who were trying for years. They started following the Paleo diet and both got pregnant within months. But don't get your hopes up in case it is because your husband has a low sperm count. Maybe try get him to meet a therapist with u?
By the way, the gluten free diet should be followed right throughout the pregnancy and until breast feeding is over. Because if you are intolerant, then it can cause miscarriage . Don't give up hope yet, adoption is always a possibility for you guys to consider.
Good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I think you need to ask him to go to the doctor with you to talk about the options and ask your doctor to explain to him the risks of waiting any longer before testing and moving this process along. Obviously, I don't think starting a family between 30 - 36 is particularly risky, but after that it can be and he needs to know that it will be put off until then if he refuses to get tested.
Don't spend loads of time talking about it every night because it may put him off having children completely if he feels like you're nagging him. Only have the conversation twice a week for half an hour to an hour (no more), unless he initiates it. Don't let it turn into a heated discussion, but try to find out why he feels the way he does.
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (9 July 2014):
Hi,
I sympathize. Years back, I met my future wife who had a new baby from her ex. We dated, I got to know her and her baby and we married. We tried for a number of years to conceive a child together but with no success.
By doing the math, I believe the reason was myself. We both came to terms with our decision that 'if it happens, it happens.' I never got checked myself, a part of me feared being told it was me. It would have hurt my 'manly' image.
My wife and I came to an understanding about this.
And so years later, we still have my wife's daughter and my step-daughter.
I know this probably wont help you at the moment, but it can be a hard thing for a man to have to get checked with the fear of knowing he can't impregnate a woman. Thankfully I still don't know the true reason we couldn't conceive, but deep down I probably know. I hope things work for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): You are lovely Cindy, thanks for taking the time to write me.
He never really gives an answer. He just begins looking incredibly stressed and then says, "This is taking over our lives. It's all our lives are about anymore!" I never get further than that. He's incredibly supportive and a wonderful partner in every other way but I have felt let down by him since this whole TTC. Difficulties we'd never have had to face in our marriage if I was one of the lucky ones that got pregnant in the first few months. Feels like everything's always an uphill battle!
You're very right. He feels inferior even when I mention it, as if I'm saying it's his fault and he's the cause of all this. Men are more complicated than women! We say what we want and we express our feelings. I find men very complicated. They have their pride and you have to be careful not to make them feel rejected or inferior otherwise they clam up and you get nowhere. So frustrating :( It's like a nightmare I can't escape.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 I am afraid your doctor is right, before having hs sperm tested there's no point in seeing a fertility specalist or undergoing further exams or tests, because that's the first thing the specalist will need to know, - if his sperm is viable in terms of sperm count, motility etc.
Unluckily,- if you can't convince your husband to go get tested, you are stuck.
It's not the first time that I have heard how in couples with fertility problems the husband is reluctant and uncooperative. Some men just ignorantly assume that infertility must always be the woman's " fault ", and many others are afraid of this test because they sort of feel that having an imperfect sperm and / or being scarcely fertile, is the same as being less VIRILE, not man enough.
They make this subconscious assocation not fertile = not masculine, and they feel humiliated.
Which is irrational obviously, but hard to fight as many irrational hang ups are .
Have you talked to your husband ? What reason does he give for not wanting to be tested ?...
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