A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In August of this year I moved to the USA from Great Britain to marry the man I loved. We were wed only 5 weeks ago however I had serious doubts even before the wedding but felt I could not back out as my family had all paid for their trips over and they are quite short of money.My doubts began as soon as I stepped off the plane when I realised that my boyfriend at the time appeared a little distant. It started with our sex life being non-existant and when I did try to instigate sex, he could not perform...eventually resulting in him obtaining Viagra from his doctor. He blamed the stress of the upcoming wedding on this - of which he did very little to help - I did all of the planning and booking. This was not an expensive wedding, just a small affair with 12 guests.Arguments ensued - mainly about money - I could not understand this as he has a well paid job and has recently been promoted. His parents even paid for our honeymoon. Prior to me making the HUGE decision to give up my family, friends, career and home, we discussed what it would be like for me trying to settle into a new country and I said I would need his support, even more so than ever. He agreed and said he would support me in whatever I wanted to do that made me happy. At the time we also spoke about a career change for me which was a life long dream of mine - he was more than happy about supporting me in this.Now I have been in the US for only 3 months and his attitude has changed dramatically - he no longer wishes to support me in a college course I need to do to kick start my new career (it cost just under $3000), he takes me for granted all the time. I have a rubbish, low paid job at a store around the corner and when I get home he continues to play video games and is only interested in watching TV. Sex has improved but I stress this is MARGINAL. There is no passion, fun, laughter or excitment and whenever I try to instigate any of this he just does not seem interested. We have argued and rationally dicussed these issues that are getting me down but his only response is 'I don't know what you want from me'.How do you explain that you need support, love and security from someone you sacrificed everything for? All he ever says is 'give me examples of what I am doing wrong' It is not that black and white and I then get frustrated. I feel cheated, lied to and alone - how can someone change so much in such a short amount of time and back track on all they promised - I feel like a failure in my marriage already - I can hardly believe it. What choices have I left - if I go back to the UK I have no money, no job and no home.If I feel like this, for these reasons, so early in my marriage, does this mean it really is doomed to fail and therefore I should cut my losses? I want children and I am now 34 - I have not got time to waste. Please help me make sense of this.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2007): Thanks to all you have replied, apologies I did not make everything clear to being with.
We did not meet on line, my husband was working in the UK for 2 years and we were dating for one year when his contract came to an abrupt end. This is when he asked to marry me as he did not wish for us to go our seperate ways. I did give it a lot of careful thought and agonised over taking such a risk so early, I also hated the fact of leaving my family behind.
Things were good between us but since I arrived in the US, they have gone from bad to worse. He has an awful temper and it flares up over such minor things - like tonight, the DVD player stopped working and he was frightening to be around. He gets so frustrated and then takes it out on me.
Right now I am so scared and have been crying for the past hour. Jo
A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (29 November 2007):
 I think you should quit now, while it is still early. There is no harm in admitting you screwed up. It makes you human. You have married the wrong person. It happens.
It would be helpful to know more about how you met and courted, to understand how you've ended up here.
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A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (29 November 2007):
I'm also curious about how you met this guy.I want to believe you met him online and further advanced your relationship.Committing to marraige was a risk you took.Going to live with him was even a bigger risk you took and you are now paying the price.I think you rushed into wedding with him coz it seems your man isn't sure if he still loves you or not.He's more like thinking whether he made a big mistake in marrying and my guess is that he had already fallen out of love with you even before the wedding.You should have followed your instict and either cancel or postpone the wedding so you can have more assurance about what you were doing.As for now it's time you let your man know how you feel(cheated, lied to and alone) and probably seek professional counselling.If you still love him.However,it seems that it's time to cut your losses and move on despite the pain you will definitely feel but please try harder to make it work,there's chance he can still change.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 November 2007):
 How did you meet this guy? Did you spend much time with him before you married. Moving to new country/culture is also stressful and can make people home sick. I've done that.
It's time to sit down and have a talk. Get a couples therapist if needed. Deal with things now and fix the issues. Did you meet him on line?
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