A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently approached my partner about sometimes his personal hygiene being not as good as it should be, I had tried to encourage him through being tactful, playful etc for quite some time, and it hit a final straw recently, as it has effected our sex life and I have some large concerns for the affect on his health so I decided the only way I could properly deal with it was head on. I sat him down and explained everything and why ( I tried to concentrate on his health. I know he was hurt by my comments and I totally understand why. He said it wasn't the best thing to hear, but he understood why id told him, and he did agree with some of my points... Id also tried to find solutions for them so he agreed to try some things. However the rest of what I said got a pretty much You're wrong' response, and my night ended with him barely speaking and I feel very much like I've made the wrong decision to speak to him directly... I never wanted to hurt him, or embarrass him but I felt that after trying to be more around the houses about it nothing was going to change if I didn't.My question is. Have I done the wrong thing by being direct about it? Should I have never said anything? Do people think it will damage our relationship in the long term ( my fear right now). This issue was a occasional issue but he has become lazier and it has made it less occasional ( he admitted the laziness without me having to say anything I broached the subject based on pure this is what's happening) but other than this hes a very loving, considerate partner and I'm feeling very guilty right now for hurting him
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2015): You did the right thing. It's just weird that you had to do it at all. The fact he has bad hygiene shows he hasn't fully grown up - grown up's just get on with it and do it as a matter of course. So, of course, he's going to react somewhat immaturely no matter how tactfully you put it. I went out with someone who had bad hygiene for years. It got so bad he actually developed a kind of genital infection, at which point I refused to have sex with him. It took him a year of making all kinds of excuses for it - ranging from "I think it needs you" (!!!!) before he finally went to see a doctor because it became painful. He was examined and basically told he wasn't cleaning properly under his foreskin and had developed an infection as a result. Now, had I tried to say that to him, he would have reacted really badly. Because it was a doctor, he came back all sheepish and embarrassed and then accepted he had a problem with basic hygiene. I just thank god I refused to have sex with him. But I still wonder why on earth I put up with the other bad aspects for so long before saying anything. I would NEVER go out with someone with bad hygiene again. To me it is the tip of the iceberg and I know from my own experience it indicates a whole host of other problems to come in the future.
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (2 September 2015):
I think you did the right thing. Im guessing one of the concerns was regarding dental hygiene since you did mention his health to him, and for someone to not brush their teeth often enough is disgusting. Look at it this way, if he didnt hear it from you then he might have heard these facts from someone else in much more blunt terms.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 September 2015):
 If he is in your age group (26-29) there should be no reason to NOT have a decent hygiene. If you tried in many "less confrontational ways" to tell him and nothing happened, then NO I don't think you should have held it back.
YES it hurt his feelings - because IT IS TRUE. He knows his hygiene isn't up to par. No one likes it when someone points out - hey you are a pig, you never shower or brush your teeth and it's a huge turn off. ( If that was his offenses). BUT what was the alternative? For you to not want to be intimate with your partner? Or worse.. LIE to him and yourself - saying - it's OK for you to be pig - I love the fact that you smell and don't keep yourself clean!
Will it damage your relationship long term? That depends on him. IF he prefers to be dirty, smelly and nasty and will IGNORE that you pointed it out - then at some point it WILL damage it, because you will RATHER not kiss him or have sex with him. And he ... rather not have decent hygiene, because.. what was his reason? Oh yeah, he is too lazy... Taking a shower takes what 10 minutes? either before bed, in the morning or after work. Brushing your teeth takes 3 minutes in the morning and 3 in the evening. Putting on clean clothes? UH so so time consuming!!
My guess is when you first met and started dating he wasn't a dirty pig, right? He showered and brushed his teeth?
Now that he has you.... he can't be bothered.
So UNLESS he keeps acting like a spoiled brat who doesn't want to up his hygiene because "YOU can't tell me what to do! reasons... " then yes, it might not work out long term, but DO you really WANT to be with someone like that?
He is still a good person, but now he knows that you have a little bit higher expectation of him, when it comes to personal hygiene. NOTHING wrong in that.
For you to think you shouldn't have said anything, is saying that YOUR feelings don't matter - only his. And sorry, honey I don't agree with you. YOUR feelings matter JUST as much as his.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (2 September 2015):
 What exactly is the problem with his personal hygiene?
I think if it is affecting his health and the quality of your relationship, then I think you did the right thing.
Sometimes it is difficult to tell people that they have issues like this, but in the long run, if it makes him healthier, then surely it is for the best.
He obviously knows there are issues, he just doesn't want to face them. Either because he won't admit he has a problem (like an alcoholic or chain smoker) or is too lazy to do anything about it.
Denial is one thing, laziness would just annoy me.
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