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Has my husband lost interest in me? Does he want out? Do I want out?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Health, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 January 2016) 2 Answers - (Newest, 7 January 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have already posted a few times, asking for advice on opinions and your comments were always on point.

This time it’s not about my friends or relatives, it’s about my husband. I think that he’s losing interest in me or that he finally realized that I will never become what he wants me to be.

To cut long story short, we have been together for 14 years, married for 12. We’ve met in mid-twenties and have two adopted kids. I’d love to start by saying that we still love each other, but I’m not sure that it is still the case. I know I love him, but love is a two-way street.

It feels like he wants out of this relationship but is too afraid of the unknown. I think he knows we would be able to be good coparents to our great kids. He’s not a cheater (at least not that I know) and I hope he will not become one before either one of us decides to call it quits.

Let’s clear something out straight away. At 5 foot 7 and 130 lbs I am not fat. I do not REALLY think that I am fat. But I somehow let my husband make me feel inadequate, even though I want to believe that he has my best interests at heart.

I was getting dressed for work, kids having breakfast. He started commenting that I should wear a nicer pair of pants. I laughed and said I loved to but with my PMS I couldn’t find any pair that would fit. Then he had a fit. What is wrong with me? How come I can’t control my weight? Why do I have all the pants that I have when I can’t wear them when I’m supposed to? Bingo. After work we were supposed to go to a family dinner. His family. If you’re still thinking that I am projecting my anxiety, let me quote “You know how happy they are to see you getting fat! You will let them gloat. Now you need to call and tell them we are not coming”. I told him that he was overreacting and that I will do no such thing. If he wants to lie to them he has to do it himself. He even said (and this is the worst) that now we have to “stay in” for as long as I need to shed the extra weight.

Now, this is by far the worst fit he has ever had when my weight is in question. He would usually comment what I eat (I am on a special diet because I am diabetic, so by definition I do not eat anything sugary, anything bad, anything fattening) and if I eat too much, if I ran long enough etc. I played his game. I knew from the start that he was focused on weight and not health, but… hey we all have faults.

So why am I posting now not before? Because as I said it was really horrible. Because I realized that my daughter will for sure have body image issues (hell I was an adult when I met him and obviously not strong enough to fight them off) and because I realized that he is somehow deeply disappointed in me. And mostly because I had to fight off the feeling of being disappointed in myself. I let him make me feel ugly, unwanted, and most of all guilty.

I tried talking to him afterwards, hoping that he’ll tell me something. I was hoping he might even apologize and explain that he was stressed because of work or whatever. No. He stood his ground. I am still in shock.

I started questioning his decision to adopt. I used to take for a joke when he kept saying that adoption is body preservation. I got used to him and his family commenting looks of other people. They are not bad people, they are just obsessed with looks (one aunt has had 2 plastic surgeries).

Apart from this, I thought our marriage was solid. Hell, I thought we were ok. Funny thing, he finds me fat only when I have to get dressed and be presentable. We never had issues in the bedroom, as far as I could tell.

I am getting older and I suppose things will get worse.

This is a double question. Does he want out? Do I want out (if that’s who he really is)?

I don’t know yet. I’d like to have an answer for the second, but I honestly don’t know. I really do not like this pat of him and I don’t deserve to be treated that way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016):

Thank you so much for your answer.

I will have to think everything through.

He has apologized since, but I honestly do not believe that he meant it. I mean he maybe regretted the WAY he said what he said, but not WHAT he actually said.

I told him that we need to sit and talk cool-headed and soon (our kids will go to a birtday party this weekend). I saw that he was a bit uncomfortable when he realized I was serious and unemotional.

I guess, it's easier when there's drama.

Thanx again!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (6 January 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat a horrible way to talk to his wife. Shame on him. It seems to me like he wants to put you down, make you feel fat and unworthy. There could be a few reasons for this, maybe he is trying to end the relationship so he decided it would be easier if he started being cruel to you, or it could be that he has low self esteem himself therefore he wants to bring you down with him. Its a terrible way to live, if you don't feel the love them I suggest that you leave him and be good parents separate.

He sounds like the kind of man that likes material things and criticizes a lot of people based on looks. This is not a good place to bring children up in. This is how eating disorders begin. If you only adopted for his sake well that is sad, although I agree with people adopting children that need a home, it shouldn't be because he wanted your body to stay the same, he should love you for who you are not what size you are. It should be about whats on the inside that counts.

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