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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My BF was abused when he was a child. His father used to hit him, yell at his mom, yell at him, until he abandoned them... He never told me any of this until we had been together for like a year and 4 months. And the one time we talked about it, he cried. It was the first time I saw him cry... he just couldn't control it. He said the pain of that still lingers (he's 22 and he was abandoned when he was like 5). He never went to counselling for this, because he has this idea that he has to bottle up his emotions... he says he had never talked about it with anyone, that I was the first. That he usually cried alone in his room, if he remembered any of it.I don't know anything about abused people. But how does abuse shape their personalities? My BF is extremely insecure, even though he doesn't admit it (but you can tell by his jealousy). He also has a temper... sometimes he gets upset by minimal things and shuts down. He likes to have control in order to feel secure. He's not physically violent, but he does get verbally abusive, or rude. Sometimes, if he gets upset with his mom, twin, or me, he won't talk to any of us for a period of time. He has these kind of strange behaviours. He also cares a lot about my past... I never had any serious BFs, but I had friends who had sort of a romantic/sexual connection with me, and sometimes he gets upset because he thinks they were more important. He's also insecure because he was cheated on by 2 or 3 gfs before me. So I want to know, is his behaviour like this because he was abused/cheated on? And how can I deal with it when we argue? I'm quite sensitive, so I can't really argue without getting emotional, or blowing up if he becomes distant. When he's not upset, he's the most loving guy in the world. He seems pretty balanced, but somehow I think the abuse in his past is affecting the way he deals with conflict. What do you think? Any useful info you can give me on this?
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insecure, jealous, period, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): Childhood abuse will definetely impact someone's personality. For example...
When I was six, I was gained up on by a couple of boys in my grade, and they ended up beating me up. I can still remember, when I finally got back on my feet, plowing one of them over and running.
Later I told the teacher, and was told that they probably did it by accident.
This is part of the reason why now I am a bit supicious about guys.....
Anyhow, you need to let him know your there for him. I would reccomend gently suggesting that he should see a councellor.
Say something like, "I notice that you seem so hurt by your past.. I don't think it's healthy to bottle this all up inside. Do you want to talk to someone?"
Trust me, he sounds worth it.
God be with you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): Hi Hunny
Yes absolutly the abuse will have left a scar sweetheart this is were the insecurity comes from and the jealousy can be a fear of loosing I'll send you some links that I hope will help you to help him hun....
http://www.essortment.com/all/adultsurvivorc_rflk.htm
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/selfesteem.htm
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/index.html
Ive popped one in for you as well sweetheart hope this helps WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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