A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, so I'm in an uncomfortable situation because I'm married and I do love my husband very much, but I have developed a crush on someone else. My husband and I have been married for 7 years now and we still love each other so much. We have both supported each other which is why we have come so far and done so well together. For about two months now I've been attending a Zumba class at the gym nearby because I love Zumba and want to lose some weight and keep fit. However, the instructor is a cute Jamaican guy and all the girls are crazy for him. I was laughing at them in my minds. But for a while now I've been having strange feelings and he comes to my mind every now and then. He even popped up in my dreams a couple of times. I don't know what to do because I really want to enjoy the class without thinking about this guy. And he's kind of starting to pay attention to me too. He seems to be intrigued by me... he's very friendly with everyone and getting friendly with me too and while I like to have him as a friend, I don't like these weird ideas and feelings in my mind! What can I do to get over this? I've had tiny minor crushes before but I always got over them really quickly because I love my husband so much, but this is really hard. Please don't leave me rude messages, I'm just someone who's struggling with something I know is a normal problem and I really need some advice. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2022): Hi guys, I'm the person who posted this post.
Omg thank you guys! Especially the anonymous writer who said it happened to her. Thank you for taking all that time to write that.
I am happy to say I am now completely over my crush. I have absolutely no feelings any more for this guy and instead, my relationship with my husband has got better.
The funny thing is, I took my cousin's fiance to the zumba class last saturday and the instructor was so nice to her. And I'm not sure if he found out that I'm married or something. Maybe he didn't known it before. Anyway, now he's strange and doesn't even make eye contact or let me know if i'm doing the steps correctly or not but he keeps looking at her and saying htat she's perfect. This is hilarious!!! I think he does this to everyone! I'm so glad I never acted on my impulses.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (25 February 2022):
 Being in a relationship, even a good one, does not stop us being attracted to other people or appreciating them. What we choose to DO about that attraction is, however, what defines our moral compass. You can't help admiring someone or feeling attracted to them, but you can most definitely stop yourself doing anything about it - assuming you want to stay married to your husband. How would you feel if your husband had a crush like this on someone else? How do you think he would feel if he found out how drawn you are towards this other man?
If you love your husband as much as you profess (and I have no doubt you do), put yourself in his shoes and ask yourself what he would want you do in this situation. Surely there must be other classes you can join with a different instructor?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): Typo corrections:
"I won't bother advising you to get a lady-instructor; because hot male-instructors are a dime a dozen, and you can throw a rock in any direction and hit one."
"Likely to ask for private one-on-one lessons; or [offer] invites to great parties."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2022): Call it a crush if you want, but let's call a spade a spade. It's good old-fashioned horniness, aka lust!
Girlfriend, please!!!
You're relatively young. Hopping and heaving with hormones! You apparently married very young, if you were under 25. You're going to get a tweak or a tingle now and then in the presence of sexy-men; but you don't have to act on it. If you dwell on it and fantasize too long, you'll start flirting. You'll start straining the boundaries and testing your self-control. Behaving like an animal in heat; and you're likely to cheat on your husband; because you won't stop the madness, until you lose control!
Behave yourself!!! Get a grip, girlfriend!!! Your post reads like some of my lady-friends, and gay male-friends! Keep it in your pants!
I won't bother advising you to you get lady-instructor; because hot male-instructors are a dime a dozen, and you can throw a rock in any direction and hit one. Some are actually professional, many are gay; but they also know what it takes to draw and keep clientele. Use what Mother Nature gave you! Charm, a smokin' bod, and a load of B.S! Most of those instructors aren't even that good; but their looks are an asset!
First-off, the greatest selling-points of people into fitness-training and yoga, is having good-looks, youth, and a sexy-body. A foreign-accent is a plus! Having a very charismatic and sensual-persona will get you followers, admirers, and clients galore! Nobody is going to look for a greasy pudgy fitness-instructor; or a yoga instructor who looks like the weirdo on the subway. They will pay, if the instructor evokes sexual-tension and flatters them with individual-attention. Especially those who are touchy-feely! It's sometimes inappropriate, but they can hide behind it as putting you in the proper form. If it feels too good, or it lasts too long, it's inappropriate!
We live in a very liberal, openly-sexual modern-society. It pays to push your every asset; and you'll get people writing posts just like yours. It's like a 5-star rating, or a thumb's-up, to get people writing Dear Cupid about you! It usually means that instructor is very popular, most likely very flirty, and has a class full of females. Maybe one or two gay-men! Throw in a ordinary straight-guy with a dad-bod to give his class some legitimacy.
Did you hear about him through the grapevine? That's how they usually get clients. They will schmooze you, flirt, wink, and compliment you to keep you as a client. Your regular attendance means dollars! So the charm flows like a fountain of Gatorade!
They will choose a teacher's pet, if they see you drive a new model Porsche, Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, or Land Rover. Not so much if it's a Prius or Honda. They'll notice if you're always staring at their lady-parts or his bulge. They will dress to accentuate their most prominent features. Wink wink! It all leads to bigger classes, thus more cash; and occasional flings with wayward, or bored married-women. Their best customers, because they often have disposable cash! Likely to ask for private one-on-one lessons; or invites to great parties. Which could mean more clients!
It's all so cliché. If you're spending an hour around a muscular fit-guy all sweaty and pumped-up, you'll get a nose full of his pheromones. Your story has been told here numerous times. If you really love your husband, you'll behave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2022): My oh my OP! I can write a book and several sequels on your question. It happened to me!Let me spare you all the details. It would take forever to write all of that. But let's just say that I was my now boyfriend's star pupil, front and center, in all his Zumba classes. He was an older man, not a young hottie that everyone swooned over, but he did have his own brand of charm or how could he have attracted me otherwise? He did not flirt overtly with all the women; he just made classes fun. But there were a couple older women who might have liked him, and boy did they complain when he paid attention to only me in his classes. I can remember in one particular class (how could I ever forget?) he held my eyes forever (eye fucking is the appropriate term these days) in the middle of a salsa routine. In a room full of 30 women, it was literally just him and I and the intoxication from that FEELING was unlike anything I have ever felt before. It was electric. I felt special, and like the fairest of them all. You cannot come down to earth after feeling that way. I was in all his classes because I genuinely did enjoy them. I love Zumba. But he made them easy to follow for a beginner like me when I started doing Zumba 9 years ago. And he always paid attention to me, like he and I were dancing together or he was dancing just for me, like nobody else existed. If I was in a bad mood or had PMS or was having a bad day, he picked up right away that I needed extra attention or a boost and he got me through the class. The connection began then and kept blooming. I did other classes with other instructors but in his class was where the magic happened. I was working to become an instructor myself at the time and he was like a mentor to me. He went out of his way to help me and coach me. We had one on one meetings after classes so he could help me with my routines, song choices and cueing. I got to know him before anything happened like you would get to know a co-worker you see everyday at work. Only in this case it was a social situation, he was running a business, and I was his client. It was literally him who made the first move although in my story, he was the one who was married and I was single. I asked him for help because I had a job opportunity coming up and had to audition. He asked me to meet him at the studio on a weekend. Once we met, we went into the studio but he did not realize there was a dance production going on. So we went to a nearby coffee shop to talk and wait until the production was over to use the big studio. I think we both knew what was about to happen. Looking back, I can honestly say my intentions went far beyond learning Zumba steps and his intentions went far beyond helping me learn them. We talked over coffee. He was telling me how beautiful I am. He touched my wrist and caressed a bracelet I was wearing, saying it was pretty. It was so sensual. A tiny touch just sent shivers all over my body. He then touched my hair and told me how beautiful it was. Little did he know they were extensions! LOL I told him this years later and we still have a laugh about it! We couldn't take our eyes off each other. It was mind blowing intense.He told me he was married and not interested in betraying his wife even though he had feelings for me. I told him I understood but we had crossed that line a long time before that night. After coffee, we went back to the studio, and this was around 11 p.m. and the production had ended and almost everyone had gone. We went into the studio and started playing the music. He locked the outside doors. At this point, we were completely alone in the building. There was a lot of flirting and it kept escalating. He stood behind me and held my hips when I danced and we ended up kissing passionately. I won't get into what else happened that night but safe to say it was very intimate and more lines were crossed.Fast forward to the next day, he told me it was a mistake and that we can't be together anymore. That he regretted what he had done to his wife. I wondered why he hadn't come to that realization before becoming intimate with me, only after. I was embarrassed and very angry. I felt used and manipulated for sex. I thought it was some grand love story. I was wrong. It was just as much my choice to get involved with him as it was his choice to get involved with me. There are no mistakes, only choices you make which you later end up regretting. I even came here to Dear Cupid for the very first time in the summer of 2013 asking for help. My post got record views and responses. And over the years, I have been a regular here because of how painful the affair had become and how trapped I had felt. This man was like an addiction and my life came crumbling down around me in order to feed this addiction. I lost my family, my friends, my own self respect and to this day, I still feel guilt and shame and lost a part of my innocence that can never be recovered. I got the man after 8 long years. Not many married men leave their wives for their mistresses. I was one of the chosen few. We are now finally together, out in the open. He left and came back numerous times. Fought with his conscience. It was very tumultuous and like a bad roller coaster ride. But he made the decision to leave his wife. His wife of 30 years. He bought a new place and some of his children (grand children) became estranged. One of his grand sons is still holding a grudge towards the both of us. Who can blame him? He is close to his grandmother, the woman we betrayed. I know he laments the loss of his family but he made a choice to be with me. Maybe he regrets that choice? I cannot help but feel he will always resent me for helping him break up his family. That he blames me and will always resent me. Our love just feels tainted. And since we started out on a foundation of deceit by him cheating and my watching him cheat on his wife year after year, it left a lot of emotional damage and baggage. I find it almost impossible to relax and feel comfortable around him. Everything he does sets me off. I have anxiety and depression now as a result. I feel guilt and feel I am not worth it because I stooped so low. I punish myself everyday and feel I do not deserve to be happy and neither does he. I push him away most of the time. Being torn between wanting so badly to trust him and love him to wanting him to be gone in case he cheats on me too. I love him one day and push him away the next. This is the pattern. It is a permanent state of limbo, a hellish purgatory. Just waiting... until it all implodes. Trying so hard to keep my head above water. But a man only has so much patience. He gets more and more annoyed and frustrated and unhappy with my anxiety. Every week we have the same arguments. They never stop. There are good days and moments of happiness but not enough. It is tiring, demoralizing, exhausting. Nothing good can ever come from an affair. Nothing. In the end, it causes more pain to everyone than you could ever imagine. Because it turned from sex to love? It has always been hard for me to accept he loves me when I used to be the woman who provided his sexual needs. And now I am his life partner. It seems an almost impossible transition. If he really loved me, why did he wait 8 years to leave his wife? Is it because she found messages we exchanged and it all went downhill from there? Would he have left me otherwise, had she not found out and then he admitted the truth to her? He said no. He said he could have gone on with the arrangement as it was. What does that say about this man? What does it say about me that almost 9 years later, I am still here? I am on meds and see a therapist. I am more balanced now but the underlying mistrust and insecurity has now become a part of me. It will never go away. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time. Or wish I had left him when I knew in my heart I really should have.There is a lot I wish I knew then, in the beginning, but we can't change the past. First, all instructors are charismatic and pay attention to everyone in their class. It's their job. He may just be friendly but you are creating a whole fantasy in your own mind. Careful with that. Why would you want to feel like you have to compete for his attention with other women in the class? You are all just building his ego, and making him feel like a God. While you all lower yourselves by putting him on a pedestal. No man deserves to be put on a pedestal, especially when he knows that is exactly where he will be. Men teaching women's classes are insecure by nature and want or need adoration. Some do it specifically to get laid because they know they have women in their classes to pick from. He is a big fish in a small pond. Also when I was dating him, he would be charming and funny with others in the class just to hide his involvement with me or just because it was his job. It hurt me to have to watch this and it made me feel like I had to constantly compete and this made me more and more insecure. It really was painful once your emotions were involved and you felt serious about the man, to watch other women laugh and joke and make light of things. You would tell yourself they might fuck him in a minute and have a good time, then be off to something else, while I was in love with him and the pain of him fooling around on me would be utter torture. I used to envy certain women in the class he might have talked to more, or paid a little attention to, because that is how we started. And I always wondered if he was having sex with any of his other clients. That feeling just never goes away. Even today I worry somebody will come along and turn his head, the way I used to. After 9 years, I am old news. In a healthy relationship, the longer you are together the better. In affairs or an affair which tries to become healthy, the more time you are together, the worse it is. Your magic wears off. You become everyday. They start to take you for granted. See that you are a mere mortal, not a Goddess. You just never feel safe or stable and are always worried your time will be up. No matter what you do. You worry the same weakness that led him to cheat on his wife, will lead him to cheat on you. Affairs seem like a wonderful fantasy but they often turn into reality. And reality can really suck. You are only fooling yourself if you think a fantasy can sustain itself. It can't and it won't. It is not worth losing your husband and your life over. This guy might have a go at you. Is that the kind of a man you want? A man who fucks his Zumba students? It shows he has not integrity, no professionalism, no self respect or no honor. If you are married, it makes him even worse. All he would be is an opportunistic predator. You will never know if he just want to fuck you (and other women in his class) or he cares. Most likely scenario is he will pretend to care to get into your pants. Then after he gets what he wants, you will feel used, like a prostitute and bad about yourself. You will feel guilt for cheating on your kind, loving husband. He does not deserve you making yourself a notch on some slimy Zumba instructor's bed post. He is enjoying the attention. Believe me. But I suspect it won't go past that and you need to grow up and act like a mature woman. Not a starry eyed little school girl. You are a married woman. I would suggest joining another gym or take your husband to your classes. What is missing in your marriage right now that is causing you to act out in a way which threatens your marriage? Nip this in the bud OP. You are still in time. Ask yourself how would it feel if hubby was crushing on a hot, tight bodied Zumba instructor? Having sexual fantasies about her, lingering after classes having personal chats? Asking her to go to coffee? Would this hurt you? Yes? Then put yourself in your husband's shoes. If you would not want him to do that to you, then don't do that to him. I also recommend counselling. Perhaps individual and/or couple's. Something has gone wrong or you would not be acting this way. 7 years is still a relatively new relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2022): Hi thanks everyone for all the advice! I didn't get what Fatherly Advice said though... I don't have any kids.
I really appreciate everybody's advice... thank you! It just made things a lot easier for me.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (24 February 2022):
 Personal trainers and fitness instructors make money by getting and keeping clients. In order to do that they have to be friendly, and interested in their clients.
exercise creates feel good neuro transmitters in your body. you are wrongly associating these feelings with a person when they are, in truth, associated with the activity.
And last how old is your youngest child? Seven year itch anyone?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2022): You sound like a naive bored housewife. People like this zumba guy get a lot of bored housewives throwing themselves at them. They are notorious for enjoying the moment, just releasing themselves for half an hour or so when they get the chance, taking advantage, living for the moment, not known for romance or understanding women or feelings. Don't mistake a smile or a chat as fancying you. Even if it is so what? Does not mean you have to do anything about it. Remember that if your husband found out it would cause a lot of upset and problems, he might end your marriage. In a good marriage there are no secrets and no things to be ashamed of. Your husband will still be there in another seven years time if you treat him with love and respect, the zumba guy would be putting it about here and there like a rabbit, nothing to do with respect or love.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (24 February 2022):
 This is a crush, and crushed don't last forever, infact can sometimes be very short lived.
He is a zumba instructor, it is his job to be kind caring and friendly with everyone.
My advice would be to just keep this crush within the confines of your own mind, don't tell anyone, and just let these feelings dissipate of their own accord.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 February 2022):
If you feel like you are not able to NOT act on a crush or control your emotions/lust... Drop the class and find another instructor?
Life isn't easy all the time.
Remember that YOU are in charge of YOUR actions. YOUR choices. Things don't "just happen".
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