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Great love life but sneaky boyfriend. What do you think?

Tagged as: Pornography, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 January 2012) 11 Answers - (Newest, 4 February 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, *oloLove writes:

My bf and I have been together for 9 yrs. We are both late 20's and he is good to me and loves me. However I say he is "sneaky" because pretty much every 3-4 months like clockwork I will discover something that makes me really question my trust for him and who he is. I have repeatedly over 9 yrs. said, "If you do this again.." I do not tolerate porn even more so because of all this. We watched porn together a couple times when we first were dating but once these things started to happen, I put my foot down. (Or so I say.) I feel like I cannot trust him to with normal aspects of life! Like studying with female classmates, talking to old female friends, even playing group volleyball at a chuch.

Examples: He had a very sexual profile on a "hot or not" website seeking girls. (he said this was just "to talk about sex"). Couple invites/emails to chat/"friend" girls. Always some porn stash somewhere. I found a text to a classmate that she looked sexy in her sweater.

Early last year his best friend left his USB in our computer and I looked on it to find pictures taken with a camera phone of girls in public. Cleavage, butts, shorty shorts. I was in one and told my bf, "hey...I don't know how you wanna handle this, but this is creepy and I'm in this." His friend apologized to me.

The latest thing is that my bf has ALSO been taking these camera pics for his own stash (including while on a trip with same friend :/). Multiple pics of one favorite girl at the church volleyball (with his sis in the back, as if pic was of her), pics down women's blouses at school, random cute girls walking around campus and their butts. There have been about 3 episodes of this. Each time he says he is sorry and will NEVER do it again BUT he also is not comfortable talking about it and that "I don't understand". Please give me your opinion of this relationship.

View related questions: best friend, porn, text

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (4 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntagreed looking at porn is one thing...

the photos... creepy,predator like and perverted showing NO RESPECT for WOMEN as human beings.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (4 February 2012):

Miamine agony auntExactly babes, that's it for the porn thing.

But taking pictures of girls and going on sex sites, that's creepy. Tons of guys watch porn, but very few do these other creepy things. Pretty girls aint that interesting.

Take time and work out what you need to do next.

Sorry he has hurt you :(

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A female reader, LoloLove United States +, writes (4 February 2012):

LoloLove is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer miamine, I guess I have not left yet because day to day we are so beyond good together, and I do not know where I can find a man who truly does not look at porn.

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A female reader, Porn_Divorcee United States +, writes (2 February 2012):

Porn_Divorcee agony auntDear LoloLove,

It sounds to me like your long-term boyfriend may be addicted to sex/porn. Because of the Internet, it is very easily for men to turn to porn as a way of relaxing or to let off steam. The problem is that porn is highly addicting as recent studies have found that regular viewing of porn affects the brain chemistry the same as OxyContin would. Porn is also highly destructive to relationships, something I experienced firsthand when I found out my ex was addicted to it without me knowing. To make a long story short, I tried to get him into counseling but no matter what I did, this addiction continue and I eventually couldn't take it any longer and files for divorce.

The good news is that about six months after we split, he 'came to his senses' and got help for his addiction and, to that end, I give good and managed to convince your boyfriend to take some of this advice, here are some techniques my ex-husband recommends to those who still fight this addiction.

1. Be sure you are actually a porn addict (a.k.a. "pornaholic"). There's an excellent test that will help you reflect on how much of a problem your porn viewing has become which you can find at http://www.optenetpc.com/blog/porn-addiction/porn-addiction-test/

2. Take practical steps to break the habit. If you look at porn on the computer, move it or use your laptop in a public area in the home. Then let a trusted friend or family member monitor your computer's browsing history by using a top-notch porn detection software like http://findhisporn.com (there are others but this service is pretty good).

3. Look back over the past few times you've spent hours looking at porn online, or viewed material you're ashamed of and think about what the trigger was. For example, if you view porn when you've been especially low and lonely, work out a plan of action in advance for the next time you feel that way.

4. You are more liable to become addicted to internet pornography if you had a childhood which makes genuine intimacy hard for you now. If this is the case, strongly consider seeing a therapist or a counselor as they are in excellent position to either help you were to refer you to someone who can help.

I hope this helps you and your boyfriend.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2012):

Miamine agony aunt"I have repeatedly over 9 yrs. said, "If you do this again.."

If you make threats, but never back them up with action, he's not going to take you seriously. For 9years you say, "if you do this again"... what... I'll forgive you, ignore it, and take you back.

If you don't like something and it's not changing, then you need to either walk away or accept your putting up with it.

Also as you noticed, you tell him not to watch porn, but that doesn't stop him fantasying about other women. He can get rid of the porn but that just forces him to find other ways to fulfil the desire he has for pornography. He can stop taking pictures of other women, but it won't make no difference, other women are attractive to him but that doesn't mean he is cheating. If he stops porn, stops taking pictures of girls (disgusting, creepy and disrespectful), but then starts looking at sexy film stars or sexy girls in music video's, will that be the next upsetting thing.

We once had a woman, who eventually got upset when she caught her man looking at the woman on the bottle of shampoo. Pretty girls are everywhere.

What do you want us to say to you, what do you think we can do. Your man spends time searching out other women for sex talk (this I would see as cheating), he takes pictures of strangers (this I would see as creepy and abusive) He likes to look at pretty girls... you won't leave him.. so what can anybody do? Because after 9years it don't look like this man has the ability to change.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (1 February 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntWatching porn is one thing… things he’s doing are beyond that.

“If you do this again” well has he done it again and you’ve forgiven him? Then he knows he can get away with it. Studying with female classmates or talking to female friends should not be an issue nor should playing volleyball at church… BUT……..

Having a sexual profile on HOT or NOT would not be acceptable to me… texting live women that they look NICE is one thing.. SEXY is another…

The shots they take with their phones show that women mean NOTHING to them but tits and ass….

So you have told him IF YOU EVER do it again and then it’s happened twice more and you have stayed…

What you have told him is that you will whine and complain but do nothing about it… that’s what staying says….

I think that he’s not going to change. I think that you have been with him a long time based on your age and that it is what it is.

If you are that unhappy you need to leave.

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A female reader, adamantine Australia +, writes (1 February 2012):

adamantine agony auntto add on to my last post, I don't mean that this is your fault. His behaviour does not reflect on you as a person.

I mean to say that he is acting like a naughty child who doesn't get disciplined, so he gets away with it each time and he knows this.

If you really want this to stop, I suggest asking him to see a counsellor (because he says he can't talk to you because you don't "understand").

I honestly think though that you've given him too many chances and he isn't going to stop unless he talks to a professional to get his "fantasies" or fetishes sorted. It's not okay for him to take pictures of women like that. I'm pretty sure there's some law against it in my country.

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A female reader, adamantine Australia +, writes (1 February 2012):

adamantine agony auntI would not tolerate that kind of behaviour. He clearly has no respect for women.

The only reason he hasn't stopped is because you haven't done anything about it.

Threatening to break up with him if he does it again, and then not breaking up with him when he does do it again, is basically saying to him that he can do as much as he likes and get away with it and doesn't have to face the consequences. You're allowing it to happen by not taking action.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012):

First of all, no he is NOT good to you, and he doesn't love or respect you. Men in love may occasionally watch porn, but take pics of random of women in public, chat to women online, and text inappropriate comments to classmates? No, men in love don't do that.

"I have repeatedly over 9 yrs. said, "If you do this again.."

To him this is an empty threat. After hearing it many times over the last 9 years, he knows you're not actually going to do anything to him. Therefore, he continues with his behavior. He knows there won't be any consequences.

"I do not tolerate porn even more so because of all this."

He has already proven to you over and over again for the last 9 years that he still looks at porn and that he's never going to give it up. So as long as you are in a relationship with him, you DO tolerate porn. If you truly didn't, you'd dump him.

This guy is the definition of pervert. Normal guys don't walk around taking pictures of every "hot" girl they see. Not only is it creepy but its also very disrespectful. How would these girls feel knowing some weird guy is wanking over pics of them that they never even gave him permission to take? Anyway, you have to stand up for yourself, and by that I mean leave him. Leave him to his pictures. If he knows he has to be alone until he changes his behavior, maybe that will be just the kick in the pants he needs. As long as he knows you'll stick around no matter what, he will continue the way he is.

You're kidding yourself if you think otherwise.

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A male reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior United States +, writes (1 February 2012):

MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior agony auntWell, you know him. And you know his behavior. People generally do not change, so either you can accept this, or don't accept it. He will not change, this is how he gets his kicks. In my experience, people don't change, we have to accept them or not accept them and move on if we cannot accept them. On a more serious note, if he is taking illegal photos of girls, as in upskirts, underage, etc.. and you know about it, you can become an accessory after the fact. Hopefully what he is doing is not illegal.

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A male reader, MikeEa1 Australia +, writes (1 February 2012):

MikeEa1 agony auntboys have to be allowed to be boys. I don't think he's going too far, maybe a little bit. as long as he is only appreciating women and not taking advantage of them at your expense. talk to him.

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