A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on my failing marriage as it relates to my son, who's 12. My wife and I are in the process of divorcing. THere is some resent on her part toward me, and she tends to not want to be around me (we live apart). I see my son at least every other weekend, and am spending most days with him during the summer. She has taken him on several trips lately with her family, but we have not done anything together (the 3 of us) for probably half a year. I sense this has been very rough on him. He has expressed dissapointment when I do not come to family functions with her family.My wife is trying to make the split between us (her and I) very obvious, but my feeling is we are still a family and need to act that way...at least once in a while. My son needs his parents, and not just sparately. Maybe some day after we are divorced and settle into a rythm where he sees us separately, that's OK. But for now, I think this is rough for him to swallow. Is it wrong for me to want to do things, the 3 of us, once in a while? Wouldn' this be good for him (and no, I won't confuse him by showing affection toward his mom)? I feel she is being very selfish, sometimes to the point of using him as a pawn. Example: For months, my son asked to go to Disney for "one last trip" as a family. She said this was his solemn wish. I didn't think it was a good idea at the time, since it might send mixed signals. But after a while, I thought it was OK. Then, a few weeks before the trip, she and I got into a fight and she "disallowed" me to go. So what was once his solemn wish became her punishment toward me. He was very, very dissapointed.Have any of you been through this kind of situation...either as divorcing parents or as a child of divorced parents? How did you feel? What worked and what did not? Please help me...I want to be a good Dad and be there for my son without sending the wrong signals. I've tried to talk to him, but he is very closed off about these things.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Dear OP, i think you are being extremly selfish on your part to just expect your wife to pretend that you 3 are a family. you are not. she is entitled to live her life with your son and i think you are getting a bit of your own medicine from her. doesn't feel good , does it? i think you are bitter that she is proving to cope without you and that there is not need really for you in her life. i think your plans ahve actually backfired and that "now" you want to show your son that your guys are still a family unit. why all the pretence, initially you resented the ised of taking him to Disney, it was YOU who did not want to go as a family and then YOU changed your mind. when SHE changed her mind then YOU got upset.
life isn't all about what YOU want. yes you may want to protcect your son from further anomosity but give the kid credit, won't you? he is somewhat old enough to know that this so called "family" is over. let him deal with the grief regarding the death of his parents marriage. in his own time he will heal and in his own time he will understand.
i think you also need to make peace that initially YOU "tore" this family more apart by not showing your son that you and his mother were still his parents and TOGETHER you will be there for him.
all is not lost however, no matter what reservations you may feel towards his mother. love your son unconditionally and acknowledge his hurt and pain. you can still forge a good relationship with him and be the dad you want to be. just don't be hypocritical and blame his mother for alienating you from him. remember it was his wish to go to Disney as a family but you did not want to give him mixed signals. so your wish has been answered and now you are feeling so shitty about it. sometimes when we try to be "nasty" to our partners, it is the innocent kids who suffer. in this case your son is suffering so please don't add anymore to it.
love him
understand him
respect him
and one day he may just recipricate.
you are not a bad dad but perhaps a confused one. only only these trials will make you a better dad.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Your family trips together flew out the window when you guys decided to divorce. Your son will adapt to only seeing you separately. I think it will be much less confusing to him in the long run. Once they realize the divorce is a real and permanent event, children adapt quite readily. Don't ever bad-mouth his mother and remain civil to her and things will smooth out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): All your son needs to know is that you Love him no matter what happens between his mom and you. Never express negative emotions about your ex to your son, let him know that you realise you are all going through some stress at this time and apologise if the split has caused him any pain, your right about the mixed signals, at first you wanted him to be clear about the split and now you think it's a good idea to do things as a family? Make a clean break & let everyone get accustomed to it, including yourself! Your son can still have a loving relationship with both his parents despite the divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):
Parental Alienation ...look it up...change the possible future.
Good luck.
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