A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just found this site and decided to ask about something that is causing me trouble to see what others think.I have been with my current girlfriend for two years... She is older than me, and I was a virgin when I met her which I think is one of the reasons I have had so many problems with her past sexual relationships, that is to say, because I don't have any.Recently I found a sexual photo of my girlfriend with another man and it has been causing some problems for me. The timing on this couldn't be worse because I have finally been coming to terms with my issues and making some progress. Now this picture threatens to unravel all of that.The worst thing to me is that this picture was taken within four months of meeting me, and she claims to have no memory of taking the picture which makes me assume she was probably under the influence of something or flat out lying. This also bothers me because it insinuates she had a lot of random sex if she doesn't remember this very graphic photo. To further compound the problem, it is very difficult to get my girlfriend to play with me. It takes a lot of effort to get her in the mood. It's also nearly impossible to get her to do what she was doing in the photo with a guy she claims to never remember which kind of diminishes my confidence.I know she has had a lot of partners and that she liked to party a bit in her past but... This is really bothering me.She is great in every other way though, and we click perfectly, I feel a bit foolish allowing something like this to come between us but it simply is. It's actually driving me a bit crazy...I am just curious if some other guys may have some thoughts on the situation, or perhaps a similar experience to comment on.I really do not want to leave her over something that my logic tells me shouldn't matter because it was before me. But after reading some posts here, it seems that a lot of other men are having similar issues.
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confidence, her past, in the mood, sexual past Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): Good God man how much information do you need to make an informed decision? Lets look at the facts -
1 - She allowed herself to be photographed doing compromising sexual acts and she doesnt even "remember?" Does she even remember the guy? How do you know there are not photos of her somewhere on the internet? You really think the guy(s) dont have these pictures too? Is that really the woman you have dreamed of your whole life?
2 - She could be lying about not remembering, in which case she'll always hide things from you.
3 - She kept the photograph for a reason. Love to hear her explain that one.
4 - She'll do this stuff with a random dude, but not with you. How much do you enjoy paying alimony again?
5 - Imagery is enough on its own, but you have a photograph? You really think you'll ever get that out of your head? Just imagine her walking down the isle to you, and that picture pops into your head.....
Seriously - you need to step outside yourself and act like you were giving advice to your best friend - what would you tell him?
If it were my BF, I would tell him to run - do not pass Go, do not collect $200, run. She is who she is and she'll never change. If you think its hard now, imagine how hard it would be 5 years into a marriage with kids. That is unless you love the idea of paying alimony.....
A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 Yos said, "If you really like her, and think you have the makings of a strong relationship, then I recommend trying hard to overcome this. It can be done, mostly by becoming confident in yourself and what you mean to her, and by teaching yourself to not dwell on the past. It can be done."
I came to this website because I have had severe problems dealing with my wife's semi-"questionable" past for about 5 years now. We are currently still working through it, and I want to underscore Yos' sentiments that I quoted up there - Yos is pretty smart I think. If the relationship is strong, it is worth working on. Yes, I agree.
It sounds to me like there are a lot of things you don't know about her past, and from my experience, as spud said "sweeping it under the rug" is the worst thing you can do. For me, when I felt alone with my obsession and pain, I became (and sometimes still become) obscenely depressed, one might even say suicidal.
One of the biggest hurdles in this entire thing with my wife and I has been clarifying for both of us why and how her past is relevant to us here and now - not an easy task, and not one to be described by simply saying "the past is the past" or, "just look to the future," etc. I think all of that is reductive, and doesn't look at the pain for what it is: for you and by extension her, a real occurrence that hurts. But that said, there is also a falseness to it, an illusory nature - when my wife and I talk our way through the things that I am personally hung up on (very hung up on) those things loose their power; it is as though when I feel her love me, I can let go, but not before.
I would ask her what you feel you need to ask her, but try not to get mad. For me, getting mad about it was the biggest mistake I made, even though most of the time I couldn't help it. Like Yos, I've been/am going through this, and am going to continue talking on here about it. Communication is the key. Thanks for posting the question, and thank you Yos for being smart.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Um, why shouldn't the past matter? It's a huge issue, as far as i'm concerned! A relationship is supposed to make you feel happy. If it doesn't then you're better off being single.
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A
male
reader, spud4 +, writes (15 May 2010):
Hello,
I have a similar situation and it still bothers me 14 years into our marriage. Take a look at my posting. Let me know if you need any more details or have more questions. Bottom line - deal with the issue NOW. Dont sweep it under the rug like we did.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-wife-told-me-she-was-a-virgi2.html
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A
male
reader, True +, writes (15 May 2010):
Look even though you seem to not being able to satifie her she's with you because she wants to be with you and not another guy and this is not the past but the present and later, the future. As for not geting as "wild" then since your a virgin then look up diffrent tips and stuff and hows your fore play lol, and just try harder and be patient and you will get better :)... thats why the internet is here my friend just look and ask away because if you do a plain old boring way of doing things with her all the time then it wont be as fun for her as it will be for you...
**keep in mind**
Dont just try to please your self try to sometimes to commit to pleasing her and ways to do so
lol gl
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (15 May 2010):
 I agree with Yos. I've never been in your shoes, but I might in the future. I've thought about it a lot, and basically the point is that she's had pasts... but she is with you. People go through and make decisions based on here and now, she didn't look into the future and think "Well I'm going to meet this great, awesome man that will cover my needs". She just went with it. Is it a good thing that she has a past? Probably not? Is it a bad thing? Probably not. She's with you. Don't dwell on the past when you weren't involved.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 You're not the only one. This comes up here a lot: many guys have been in your shoes and had similar feelings and experiences. Including myself.
Unfortunately there's no instant solution for something like this. The only way, that I've seen at least, is to learn to not focus on it. To gradually and gently teach yourself to put it out of your mind. Her past is never going to change or go away: all you can do is focus on the present and future, on making your relationship with her great.
In terms of her lying, or not remembering things, please take a step back. Realise that women's memories in this area are very different from mens. Whilst men will focus on details and 'facts', women will tend to focus more on the emotions at the time. The result is that she may not remember things that to you seem very surprising, or she'll describe a situation differently each time you ask. Please don't label that as a lie: it's just how she remembers things. With a different focus to you.
If you really like her, and think you have the makings of a strong relationship, then I recommend trying hard to overcome this. It can be done, mostly by becoming confident in yourself and what you mean to her, and by teaching yourself to not dwell on the past. It can be done.
If you find it's too much, then don't be ashamed. Many good men have tried and failed and ended up leaving relationships because of things like this. But if you must leave her, do it with respect and love, don't make her feel bad because of it. For her, her past will be long gone and not an issue, as BunnyTee said, she's with you because she wants to be with you, and not anyone else.
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Well you say you're early - mid twenties, so I'm assuming shes mid-late twenties. And by that time, most people have a bit of sexual history. Maybe she is a reformed party girl. My boyfriend slept with 12 girls before he was with me, some of them were one night stands. But the fact that he has never cheated on anyone, and wouldn't dream of cheating on me, shows that not only is he reformed, but he really cares about me. Maybe your girlfriend is the same. And part of it probably is jealousy - I had only slept with one person before my boyfriend and at first I felt a bit uncomfortable with his past but then I realised that out of all those girls, I'm the special one and I'm the one that gets the love and not just the sex. Try and think of it that way. I'm assuming you don't have any trust issues with her...?
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Not a guy, but listen to your logic! Whatever/whoever is in the pic is NOT you, it happened before the advent of you, it is NO reflection nor evaluation of you, it's no reference or commentary on you or your abilities. So reject the notion that it is. From a female perspective this is a no-brainer. It's genuinely nothing to do with you so put it out of your mind where it belongs. Comparing what she did before you came along to the present serves no purpose other than to drive you to distraction like it is now. Don't allow it! Focus on reality of the present, she's with you and not whomever is in the pic, if she didn't prefer you over anyone else then you wouldn't be here now, would you? If this were a pic of something that happened yesterday, that'd be a different matter. Pay attention to the real deal in front of you, she left the incident(s) in the pic behind so should you!
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