A
male
age
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*enry5555
writes:I have been in a great relationship with a lovely and wonderful woman for 2 years. We love each other very much, have just bought a house together and are engaged and plan to be married next year. Here is our problem. She has three adult children. She left their father for another man when they were young (12 years ago) but still feels such terrible guilt over this act of "betrayal"--her words-- as a mother. Because of this feeling that she screwed up their lives (in reality they are all pretty normal, two college grads, the other halfway throug) she nows admits that she feels she has to always be extraordinarily gentle and kind with them no matter what they do, always treats them with "kit gloves," and never reprimands them for anything they do. She says she has to "keep them in a protective bubble." For example, her 24 year old single daughter is having an affair with a married man and she never tells her she is wrong or immoral for this or that she should simply end the affair. This is in part because the mother herself had an affair. So when I am around her kids (one recently moved home after college, the other two live away but come home to visit; I like them fine and we get along pretty well)she is always completely focused on them, dinner conversations revolved around them, she is often impolite or curt with me if any conversation "might upset them." For instance, the college grad and his mother asked me what I thought of his resume--I am a teacher of writing and have reads thousands of resumes. When I told him that while his grade point average was okay, since it wasn't his strongest suit, I would start with another part of his experience, the mother shoots me down and tells her son that since I'm not an expert he doesn't have to listen to me. When I later confront her with this, that she was being disrepectful to me, she said that she wanted to protect her son because I said his "average GPA" was just that, average. Another time the son said something very offensive about my brother and when I challenged him, my girlfriend remained silent. Later when I asked why she didn't reprimand her son for what she admitted was offensive behavior (he's usually a good kid), she said she didn't want to get in a fight with him or hurt his feelings. The crux of this whole things is not so much that I don't like her kids, it's how she is so umbelievably easy on this and afraid to say anything to hurt their feelings, while she's not afraid to be blunt or demanding of me. We have had many fights about how she treats her kids vs. how she treats me. Am I just being a baby? Are there some techniques or stategies I can use to lessen our problems regarding how she treats her kids? PS. I have two kids, grown and away, and she is pretty comfortable calling, as she had once, that 30 y o daughter is "acting like a bitch." Help for a loving relationship that is being hurt by me and by how my girlfriend treats her kids.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): Yeah, u are being a big baby:).
Let her be with her kiddies how she wants. Blind mother's love, it can make a woman unreasonable. Her kids are grown, they don't live with you. The fact that she stompes all over you is a different issue. You can tell her that, but not about her children. Good luck
A
male
reader, henry5555 +, writes (28 June 2012):
henry5555 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both answers. I really like CindyCares' response. It was hard on me yet it opened my eyes to see what I already knew, that in part, I was being childish and competitive with my gf's kids. They are basically good kids and I was being petty and emotionally immature. I don't take all the blame but what I need to take was nicely framed by your comments.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 Why are you so in competition with her kids ? It even sounds like some sort of sibling rivalry :) but they are not your siblings, they are her children, and , for you, simply two young men ad a young woman, that you can, and have to, deal with as you see appropriate, without any need for a go- between.
If the son badmouths your brother- call him up on it, you don't need his mother as your paladin , or to take your side, maybe, very reasonably she does not want to get involved in your squabbles , and anyway the boy is not 11, that he has to be publically shamed for " being sassy " to the grown ups. He is an adult too, as you are, and when two adults have a problem between them, generally they don't need a third party to arbiter .
If YOU have a problem with her daughter dating a married man, then YOU tell her something, if the mother won't, that's her business, maybe she feel she has not the right to cast the first stone , since she did the same, maybe she does not want to rock the boat, ... she will have her own reasons, she is not obliged to officially condemn her daughter's choices just because YOU do. Being engaged does not mean being fusional, she does not need to officially spouse all your positions about everything.
Ditto for her parenting style in general, it may not be what you deem ideal, you might have made better choices with your kids... but I don't see how and why this should concern you , since two of the kids don't live with you, the third will fly the coop soon, and , by your own admission, generally everything is civil, smooth and personable, with rare exceptions of isolated accidents, as it could happen with ANY person you know.
If you have a problem with how your gf talks to you, or acts with you - then tell HER, without need to drag in her kids for comparisons. If she is curt and impatient ,let her know that you don't like that, period. What's the purpose to add " and you are sweeter and more patient with your kids ? " What is there, a prize to win for the most coddled ? Make sure that she treats you the way that you like, or can accept , being treated ; how she treats other people, that's her own business.
As for " when they visit, she gives more attention to her kids than to me "... forgive me, OP, but I had to smile. The same happened to me,I had a boyfriend who would sulk and pout because I had said " Love, would you like some hot cocoa " to my son and not to him, or because I had brought from a trip some little trinket for my kid, and not for him. But.... that happened during my cougar phase :) - and the guy was 24 .
Aren't you a bit too old for this kind of jealousy ?....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 June 2012):
 As a single mom of a 6 year old, I would be wary of how men would critique my parenting style, but I would welcome men to take part as a parent and to offer opinions or suggestions as long as they are reasonable. The fear of being a bad mom (one of the biggest insults on a woman) can make women get defensive, shut down and not listen. You have to express what she does makes you feel like an outsider, and you are not getting what you need in the relationship. If she or her children are asking for your input then they have to respect your help, whether they like it or not. It seems like nothing you do is ever right so you can refuse to help them until they learn to respect you more. Her priority is her kids. Love is not about competing who is the best parent, it is about offering the best of each other, utilizing your talents to support each other throughout life.
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