A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just moved in with my girfriend and this is what i observe: she spends most hers days gardening or doing craft then doing nessesary everyday things like making dinner or cleaning. This is the situation: I moved into her house, i pay her rent as she was renting out a room in that house but since i moved in she doesnt anymore so i am covering that part. She also has another house that she rents as short term to corporate housing. She makes enough and more to be able to stay home and have an easy life and doing her crafts. She is 26 and lucky to be in this position with 2 mortgage free houses due to inheritance.I work long hours from home. I work at very demanding job and my work load is heavy with long hours. I break during lunch and have to cater myself for lunch. My girgfriend does lots of gardening. But she never makes a meal or cleans. She keeps house very messy and her reason is that she has lots of gardening to do. I ended up hiring a cleaner once a week but house still becomes dirty fast as she keeps walking all day with her garden story and makes mess on a floor.The amount of things she grows doesn't even make any sense. I order grocery delivery because she has no time to shop, i make dinners at night, something simple. The only thing she does is laundry once a week. I keep my office clean and organized but the rest of the house is filled with all kinds of things.I really wish i didn't move in with her..dont know how to get out of this situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2021): Well, seems the only solution is to move out. You moved-in, and it is apparent she doesn't intend to change her habits and lifestyle to suit you. I'm sure you've spoken to her about it, maybe a few times. Has that helped?
I think you should start looking for your own place, and give her fair notice. Never enter any relationship with the intent on changing other people. If you try to compromise, yet they won't bend or yield; that's telling you to put-up or shut-up.
BTW, unless you're a farmer, gardening is a hobby; and what you grow doesn't have to make sense.
If you're a tidy and organized person, it's hard to concentrate with mess and chaos around you. You even tried to solve the problem by hiring a cleaner; and she just made more mess, as if done in protest, to remind you whose house it is. She's made her message loud and clear. Just because you moved in, didn't mean she would have to abide by YOUR house rules. It all mattered enough to write DC about it. The only way you'll be content, is to have your own place.
Well, if you were considering the next-step anytime soon; housekeeping and cooking are probable deal-breakers. Most people try to split chores around the house. She won't even compromise. If she can't cook, maybe it's better you didn't suffer through her kitchen experiments. If she can cook, why wouldn't she?
I'm also an obsessive gardener, but I love a clean and orderly house too! No compromising on that.
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (6 October 2021):
 Sorry to say but this is a situation where you leaped before you looked. Apparently you didn't know how she lived or you had not seen her home? She is happy doing her thing, living her life and the neatness of her home isn't a high priority for her. Its very unlikely that she's going to change for you. Some people are just not bothered by disorganization/chaos within their home. You on the other hand, are not happy. I agree with Honeypie that there are 3 options. Talk to her, see if you can't work out some sort of schedule and arrangements where chores are done. Hire a maid and split to bill OR..move out.
I'm not trying to be unkind but OP, it is HER home. You don't have to like the way she lives because you don't have to live there. You are the one that is unhappy not her. I personally wouldn't want to live with a messy person either and quite frankly..I wouldn't.
Good luck. I hope you can come to an arrangement that works for both of you. If not, I'd start looking for a new place to live ASAP.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 October 2021):
 I think you need to sit her down and talk.
While I too enjoy gardening a lot, I don't "neglect" my house. Or my family. Or my pets.
Does she make money from her gardening? such as selling veggies, fruit, or flowers? If so, THAT is a job. If she doesn't, just how much LAND does she garden? I only have a couple of raised beds for flowers and a couple for veggies but I don't spend more than 30 min- 1 hour a day in the growing/planting season. Watering, weeding. It doesn't sound like it's JUST a hobby.
Secondly, you are a grown-ass man you DEFINITELY can make your own lunch, regardless of whether you work full time or not - regardless of whether SHE works or just do hobbies! Just because she is female doesn't mean she should "mommy" you and cook your lunch. ?"I break during lunch
and have to cater myself for lunch." |
Living in a filthy house is no good.
?Especially if you are a tidy person. You should NOT do the lion's share?of the chores, neither should she. They should be shared.
My guess is she doesn't "see" the filth or messes because they are HERs and this is how she lives and how she lived before dating you.
Maybe what you need to do is look for another place to rent. ASAP.
Did you not see her house before you moved in? Was it not messy before?
Did you two not talk chores and money beforehand?
This is what happens when people think "Oh this will just work out perfectly when we live together". It rarely does. Mostly because people have their own routines and habits.
You had some preconceived notions and expectations. SHE had the same. Yours were that SHE would do all the housework, cook, clean, shop etc. because she doesn't work - and she thought HE (you) will just fit into my life and all will be great! He will fill in MY slack in the house chores, cooking, and shopping.
Do you think you two are even compatible here? Seems like you are neat, hardworking and she is NOT neat but only works hard on her hobbies.
You two need to talk. She can't read YOUR mind, and YOU can't read hers.
Talk and if you can't come to a compromise that works for both of you, move out.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (5 October 2021):
Move out. It's that simple. You resent her for having an easy life as you say. So what if she has 2 mortagage free houses? Why does that bother you? Does it bother you that she doesn't have to work as hard as you? You said you are paying her rent for the room she previously rented out. So that is what you get to keep clean and tidy. You are not paying for the rest of the home or the running costs, she is. You 2 did not sit down and discuss the running of the household and who would be responsible for what. Did you sign a lease? If not, give her 30 days and fid your own place. It's not difficult to do.
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