A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend is extremely competitive with regard to academic and professional success. She claims that she is "happy" for me, but makes snide remarks and tries to diminish my accomplishments. When I bring it up to her attention that I feel that she is being overly competitive and snide, she tries to flip the situation and blame me for "bragging" about my success, and states that she may make these remarks to "counter" how I make her feel.I am a very self-confident person, and I am not shy about making statements regarding what I need to be successful, etc. But, I have never made comments to diminish my girlfriends achievements - she makes these assumptions based on comments without getting clarifications from me. For example, I state that going to a top MBA program is important for post graduation opportunities - which she interprets as the school she is attending is not "good enough." She seems to conflate my success with her personal worth.I have reached a point in this relationship where I am sick of competing when I'm not even trying to compete! I am very proud of my girlfriend and her accomplishments, but she seems to think that I need to either 1. remain silent about my achievements, or 2. make her feel like she is better than me on a daily basis to feed her insecure ego.I'm not sure what to do. Do I leave her? Do I try to work things out with her? Is it even worth being with an insecure woman?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): When people trash your success it can be due to them feeling insecure about their own capabilities.In this case she may also be worried about losing you as you potentially 'out grow' her.Additionally if you come across as arrogant when you share this may be putting her off you and encourage the snide remarks.If you're being supportive and all round nice about it have a chat and ask why.Good luck
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 November 2012):
Glad I could help :) Let us know how things work out.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2012):
 So glad we have aunt Maverick here. I could NOT improve on what she said...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): Maverick, thanks. Your feedback makes a lot of sense to me. Funny how an outsider's perspective can help shed light on some obvious things. I'm guessing that stress, tension, and not doing good relationship maintenance has made what should be a minor issue into a potential relationship killer.I really appreciate the personal story of your father bringing work home (in more ways than one). That one really stuck out to me. Looks like I'll have a sit down and see what the problem is, on both sides of the aisle, and find out what, if anything, we can do about it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 November 2012):
Thanks for the extra context, OP. Well, it sounds like you two are mirroring each other, making the same comments back and forth. She's competitive, but so are you. You are very much alike, which is a good thing, but in this case I can see how it can cause tension. Plus if she's never been in a relationship with someone who is at the same level academically, she may even view it as threatening. Not that this excuses her attitude.
To be honest I'd just sit down with her and talk through it. This issue has been bothering you enough to consider ending the relationship, so you may as well get straight to the point and see what's salvageable. It could all be a pile of miscommunications.
Tell her the tension between you two has been bothering you and that you know it's because of this emphasis on academic achievements by the BOTH of you. Tell her you don't want things to go sour over this and that you are very proud of what she has achieved and what you have achieved. Then have an honest conversation about everything that's been bugging you and ask her about the comments you made that set her off too. After a while you'll likely find out you're quarreling over trivial stuff.
As for the future, keep in mind that the vocabulary you use at work is not the same you should use at home and with friends. My dad used to do this and it was annoying as hell. He'd compare everything to his job and throw in all kinds of business terms. My mom finally snapped and told him she wasn't one of his clients looking for a deal but his wife looking for enjoyable companionship. Your work to live, not the other way around. The same goes for your gf.
Also, I'd make a deal with her to stop putting an emphasis on academic achievements, both yours and hers. I mean, let's be honest here: what added value do statements like "you need [insert education] to get [insert job]" have? Saying stuff like makes you captain obvious, just like it does her when she does it. It grates on the nerves. You wouldn't be here if it didn't. In the end it all comes down happiness: are you happy with what you do and is she happy with what she does? Everything else is just trivial.
So have an honest talk to her and try and see if you can both change the way you're communicating with each other as this is obviously not working.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): Some of the responses here are pretty presumptuous, too. But, seeing as this is an internet forum, I can see where things can get lost in translation.
I don't use "big words" to inflate my self-worth; they are part of everyday usage at both work and at home. It's not an issue of increasing self-worth, it's one of being able to function at the workplace and to serve business clients.
Also, let's clear something up here. My GF is in a JD/PHD program. She places a similar if not heavier emphasis on academic achievement and has made similar statements about her profession e.g. "You need to go to the right program to get the right job." So THAT is why I make the accusation that institutional reputation may be what is causing her bitterness.
In her world, academic achievement IS success, so why is it such a terrible thing that I succeed, too? And I'm not the only target in her sights. I deal with her daily complaints about her "rival" in the program and how her rival is this and that. Or, how her friends back at home are "only" doing masters programs while she is doing her JD/PHD.
She has also point blank stated, when we first started dating, that she may have "met her match," and that it feels off not to be the "smartest one" in the relationship.
All of these statements and actions together makes the conclusion that mayyyyyyyybe she is jusssssst a little over-competitive correct.
So, help!
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (16 November 2012):
 I dont think this should be such a big deal, other OPs have bigger problems.
If she is competitive, there is no harm, maybe she feels she needs to match up to you, just maybe she feels not good enough and reads too much into your comments.
Try not mentioning your achievements too much and encourage her.
I dont think its worth throwing a relationship away unless you have other issues
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 November 2012):
I'm wondering if you are a bit "over the top" in your bragging on yourself. Perhaps you have not yet learned the KISS principle and therefore you tend to need to inflate your self-worth with the use of "big words"
The reason I say this is that you used the word "conflate" and while I'm a smart cookie, I was not sure how you meant it so I did look it up.... it seems a bit out of proportion for the conversation.
Maybe you come across as "high and mighty" and the implication (not intentional) is that she's not QUITE good enough. I am betting you would make me feel that way too.
It's about how you carry and present yourself. I was presumptuous and full of myself at your age too. Seriously with age does come wisdom... not book learning...
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (16 November 2012):
Well OP, it all depends on how you formulate your comments.
Take your example: if your gf did not go to a top MBA program, stating that going to one is vital to post graduation success, I can understand why she wouldn't be very appreciative of that comment. It immediately points out her 'shortcomings' even if it was not intended that way.
Basically, if you formulate your sentences in such a way that it makes your education and accomplishments seem like THE standard of success, it's logical your gf would interpret that as putting her down. So please pay attention to yourself when commenting about the subject, so you can see if you're making this mistake. Many people come across as arrogant and boastful without realizing it.
Also, can you list more examples and the "snide" remarks that she makes? Because right now I'm forced to interpret this whole situation based on one example and vague descriptions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2012): I'm sorry but I did have a chuckle, are you two sure that your both 30ish lol lol.
Look I wouldn't take this so seriously, when it comes to getting the job, it's not always qualifications that swing it.. Personality, behaviour, flexibility, general attitude.. A attending a MBA programme might not get you the job, know what I mean?
Example.. I was pushed to apply for a position that I didn't think I would get, not that I wasn't clever enough, I just didn't have I felt enough years experience under my belt,
So interview day comes, I'm on the ward working, and I am reminded that I have to go rushing to finish my notes, I don't notice my pen burst, I have a habit of pushing my hair behind my ear when nervous, so unknown to me I go to the interview with pen streaks on my face.. On entering the room I trip on the top step and nearly sprawl on the floor, with the panel of two women and men looking at me at with non amusement..
I nervously sit down and the first panel member asks why I'm looking out the window, I say that I'm like the beer advert I'm looking for a quick exit.. Haha .. By the time interview finishes I think got the job, haha I'm lucky I've to my current position, must think I'm a lunatic.. But do you know what I got it.. When I did pick up courage to ask one of the consultants why ? He said that they all had a good laugh and though I didn't have all the years they were looking for, I worked well in a team, attend well and, was academic enough to take on the challenge, was gd time keeper etc etc, and on a positive note I could laugh at myself,,
So being to up tight and pompous in regard to your achievements sometimes gets people's backs up.. , they don't want people under them telling them what to do.. They want to mould you into a team that they can led and succeed with...
I think you two just need to chill out a little..
Just drop the topic and stop bragging.. You've done we'll, you know it your fam know it . Your girl knows it.. Now all Cupid know it..
Be kind to your girl.. And take care
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