| A ,
anonymous
writes:
I am 27 and have been going out with a 26 yr old girl for just over 2 months, and I really like her. She is interesting, attractive, sexy, clever and funny, and I am in love with her. I was planning on telling her this last weekend, but in the course of a drunken q & a conversation, she told me that had slept with 32 people before me. This came as a tremendous shock to me, as I have had relatively few sexual partners (7) and I expected her answer to be similar. I have always disliked promiscuity and I am now really unsure of what to think.
She explained that most of these occurred when she was young, and that she is longer "easy". I believe her, and I am still in love with her, but I can't stop thinking about the fact that she has had sex with 32 men!! To me, this is an awful lot of people to have slept with for a young girl. Am I being stupid and oversensitive about this? I understand that the most important thing is what she is like now, not what happened 5 or 6 years ago, but I can't stop myself thinking of her going out purely to find more men to sleep with, and that I am now going out with the girl who used to be the town bike (she once slept with a bloke just to find out if he had a large penis. On deciding he didn't have a large penis halfway through the act, she just stopped and walked out.)!
Am I being stupid and oversensitive about this? And am I being really unfair on her for being bothered about it? I really hope you have some advice, because I am struggling.
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): This has been good reading. I'm in a similar situation with a fiance who has now told me she had 60+ sexual partners and is only 29. She told me she used to veiw sex as "sport". The number and the attitude came off as very slutty to me. She is the most beautiful woman I have encountered and it is difficult because I know men (and women) find her extremely attractive.I'm 32 and I can count the number of women I've been with on both hands. I'm sure if I had been with some comparable number of woman I might not be as jealous. It hurts, but what's the alternative? I love her and don't want to lose her. I believe that she loves me and that we don't just have sex, but actually make love. Corny as it sounds, there is a difference. She's been with other men so I don't need to worry how I stack up; after 60+ men, she chose me. I was the one no other man could compare to.So we should all have some dignity and stop wallowing in self pity. Appreciate who you have for the person they are, not the person they were.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): It seems that 1 of the most common things that are upsetting some of you is that maybe your girl has had someone with a bigger dick than you. Let's get realistic. She probably has. My wife has only slept with 7 guys before me and we are very open about our pasts. She told me that she has had a really big guy and a really small guy, and I'm neither of them. It bothered me at first, but I realized that later that since she has had the full spectrum of guys physically, then she will never wonder what it may be like. I think that the women with very limited experience are the ones that always wonder. We also get a good chuckle when I make sly statements about how huge I am, because we both know I'm not.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I remember when my girlfriend decided to tell me her sexual history. I had just finished up telling her all the times I had kissed and made out with girls, and she decided it might be a good idea to tell her history. The justification was that I would no longer be wondering how many guys it was and blow it out of proportion. Of course, I did have a number in mind, three, but when she told me two it didn't seem any better. At the time it didn't really bother me, but soon, alone, the those 'numbers' became haunting.
Later that night on the phone I expressed my depression; to this she could offer no words of comfort. In fact, for a long while after that it was just the regular 'i cant change the past' and 'well nobody can compare' answers from her that you might expect from a movie. What I really wanted was some admittance from her that if she liked me so much more than the other guys, she should not have slept with them, perhaps even a sorry. There was also the growing paranoia that one may have been hung like a horse or that I might somehow run into one of them and get some grief.
Strangely, one had been a friend in my early school days. Somehow that did not bother me so much, as they had been in an ongoing relationship for quite some time (which I did not know of). The other was a guy she had dated earlier in the summer that I met her. This one bothered me much more, as it was recent and their relationship had only lasted a month. I thought maybe he just wanted to get into her pants, maybe she enjoyed it, big dick, etc.
In the end, it is like that math test you failed in 7th grade, or maybe that really embarrassing moment you thought you would never forget - you did. Besides, you have probably looked at tons of porn and fantasized about all sorts of raunchy sexual acts.
I conclusion, those guys probably aren't thinking about doing you girlfriend, and if they are that just means they are jealous of you and not visa versa. As Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said, "There will be no more finger b%&@ing Mary Jane Rotten Crotch through her pretty pink panties!"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I remember when my girlfriend decided to tell me her sexual history. I had just finished up telling her all the times I had kissed and made out with girls, and she decided it might be a good idea to tell her history. The justification was that I would no longer be wondering how many guys it was and blow it out of proportion. Of course, I did have a number in mind, three, but when she told me two it didn't seem any better. At the time it didn't really bother me, but soon, alone, the those 'numbers' became haunting.
Later that night on the phone I expressed my depression; to this she could offer no words of comfort. In fact, for a long while after that it was just the regular 'i cant change the past' and 'well nobody can compare' answers from her that you might expect from a movie. What I really wanted was some admittance from her that if she liked me so much more than the other guys, she should not have slept with them, perhaps even a sorry. There was also the growing paranoia that one may have been hung like a horse or that I might somehow run into one of them and get some grief.
Strangely, one had been a friend in my early school days. Somehow that did not bother me so much, as they had been in an ongoing relationship for quite some time (which I did not know of). The other was a guy she had dated earlier in the summer that I met her. This one bothered me much more, as it was recent and their relationship had only lasted a month. I thought maybe he just wanted to get into her pants, maybe she enjoyed it, big dick, etc.
In the end, it is like that math test you failed in 7th grade, or maybe that really embarrassing moment you thought you would never forget - you did. Besides, you have probably looked at tons of porn and fantasized about all sorts of raunchy sexual acts.
I conclusion, those guys probably aren't thinking about doing you girlfriend, and if they are that just means they are jealous of you and not visa versa. As Gunnery Sergeant Hartman said, "There will be no more finger b%&@ing Mary Jane Rotten Crotch through her pretty pink panties!"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2008): Very interesting reading? I too am in the same predicament and riding the emotional roller coaster that dealing with this subject is. My current partner who I love slept with a significant number of people in a short space of time. That I was misled early in the relationship regarding this only worsened the truth when I found out.For me, the number is not as significant as the nature of the previous partners. I am a realist and don't imagine that many people will be virgins when they marry but the thought of your partner giving it away easily is hard to deal with.I'm proud of the respect I have shown woman throughout my life however I feel that the respect I've shown is only rewarded when I'm with someone who has shown similar respect to others and themselves otherwise I feel cheated and resentfull. I think love is a precious gift that only fools are careless with and I intend to persevere for the mean time but I do wonder if I will ever be able to have peace on this issue?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2008): Hi friend,
I am in ALMOST identical situation as u, ive been going out with this amazing girl for jus over 2 month now, she makes me happy and shes my everything. She told me recently that she has slept over 30+ guys and been gangbanged before. I flipped for a few days, and it does hurt at the end of the day. I've planned to stick her with for as long as i can because she does make me smile at the end of the day. don't worry about the people in the past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to the future. good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): guys i dont think it matters how many partners your partner has had... the truth is, its always going to hurt.. its just a fact of life, deal with it or move on.. i've had over 70 partners and my wife has had a lot less, but regardless of how many more or less, it still hurts just as much and the only reason it does so is because you really care about that person. I personally would rather be with someone that i care about than someone i couldn't care less about where they had been. You just have to take people as they are, and ask yourself if there really is any acceptable answer you would tolerate or not end up being upset about. 100, 15, 5? How they end up with you is really none of your business and if you really like/love someone, your never ever going to be happy with the answer they give you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): I am in a similar position as your ex girlfriend. I too have had 30 sexual partners mostly during my late teens. This was a difficult time of my life and I enjoyed the attention I was getting from these men. However I have since seen the error of my ways and am now looking for a relationship before jumping into bed with someone. I would hope that my past would not put men off me. You sound like a nice guy, put the number to the back of your mind and build a relatioship woth this girl. She is what matters not the number of partners she has had.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2007): My wife had 15 sexual partners. Her experiences included big guys (length and girth) and one with a 3-inch long dick. She had sex in a car in an active parking lot, on a backdoor deck during mid-day, in a pool, on a hill within 200 yards of a very busy state highway, and a couple of other public places. Some of these were with me; most were with her lovers. She had a fuck buddy relationship with one guy for almost 4 years, and was still involved with him three months into our relationship. She had at least 3 one-night stands. One was a pick-up at a party one night; she had never seen him before nor since. I tell you this to say my wife was somewhat promiscuous before we met. Admittedly, she had a sexual appetite and was active in her efforts to satisfy it. After we connected, she stopped all contact with others, even her fuck buddy. She has been a faithful, devoted wife and loving mother to our children.Give your partner a fair chance. Stop thinking about "the others" in her life. Right now, and hopefully until you are both old...very old, the two of you will have a happy life together, accentuated by an active sex life.Does my wife's past bother me? Absolutely not. We did not know each other then; she was not cheating on me. Honestly, I hope she had a good time with all her men. She is fantastic in bed. Perhaps she was born with her sexual talents. Her experiences, i.e., practice sessions, only fine tuned these attributes. Bottomline: I am the one who gets to enjoy the benefits now.A final word: enjoy your benefits and acknowledge the fact you may be a lucky guy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): I had a slut for a girlfriend before and split up with her cause it done my headin. She lost count after 35+ guys, let herself be gangbanged by 7 guys and slept with an ex's father and brother(i shit you not), but after 2 years of seeing other girls I realised i had made a big mistake in getting rid of her. Why? Cause at the end of the day every man wants a freak in the bedroom. Plus I grew out of my cock size anxiety(5 inches does the job) and realised a lot of the jealousy I was feelin was because she had a bigger number than me! Which is something a lot of guys first mention here "she's had 40 ive had 2" Male ego or what!
So why settle for a "clean" woman who is never going to satisfy you sexually and not give in to all your fantasies. A healthy sex life is the corner stone of any long lasting relationship.
Ive been very fortunate to find another girl who likes her cock and, in her own words, an "uncontrolable desire to please me", so please believe me brother when I tell you you've found a gem. So hold onto her and enjoy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): I just have to add another comment because this topic is obviously bothering so many people. I am now talking to all the men that had this problem.
If she dated 32 men...would that bother you? No. Would you really care if she had romantic relationships with boyfriends? Nope. But it is impossible to get intimate and know 32 people or be in love with 32. Were they really lovers sharing intimacy? No, at least not most of them.
It is soooo important now to split your ego from your instincts. Your ego says I am puny with my 3,4,5 lasting relationships, I am so naive to have respect for somebody who does not have for herself. If I don't respect somebody I am with, I have no any self-respect, etc...
Your instinct says: Don't get emotionally involved with somebody who is a emotional disaster! Preserve yourself! This is very reasonable and you guys should listen to your instincts!
I had the same experience and have decided one thing. Ditch. Why? Well this does not come from nowhere. There are psychological reasons why some women act like that. There are family problems, lack of confidence or lack of father figure. She needs to understand concepts of self-respect, self-worth, intimacy and gatherers. She needs to understand how to build relationships with people around her. I simply do not want to be the one to fix up knots in her head because I was nice to this world and had only romantic relationships with women I expect that this world is nice to me and do NOT WANT to accept anything else! I am a men that can provide intimacy love and meaningful relationship an I will settle for nothing better then that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Mate, you guys are a bunch of soft co%k$. Sure - stay with ur GF, but dont for one minute settle for everybodys good time. The reason ur stuck with these jokers is because they sought u out Eh?? like they did with everybody else. Ur not meeting the good ones cause they dont throw themselves out there. U need to make an effort and it takes time for them to get comfortable with u and respect u such that they want to support and commit themselves to u. Hey but if u want someone elses left over, who am I to stop u : ) !! As for the charity cases and the girls on this page that say it the past etc. HOGWASH buddy. My advice - do what everybody else has done with this girl - Worked her : ) but continu to look for the real thing and then flick her. Takes balls buddy and remember theres way more men than women. They dont care about looks they want ur money, power and to respect u. Stand tall and watch them flock in my friend...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): Um...male reader from September 2, 2007, what's wrong with your gf sleeping with two black guys, since you singled them out among the other people who you were not too happy about her having relations with?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Your girlfriend is not a product. She does not have an expiration date. She is not sold used or new. Her value does not go down with every experience. She does not have a finite capacity, like a phone card, after which she is used up.
Neither is she a substance that can be pure or impure. She is no less pure now than when she was born. She will never be less pure than she is right now.
Nor is your girlfriend an object upon which men have left marks that you may discover and interpret. She is not a public place where things are written for others to read. She is not an exotic land that men have visited and reminisce about in comfortable chairs.
She is not a collection of experiences like snapshots in an album, subject to perusal and approval by you.
Her past is not a term paper for you to grade. Her past is not something that needs to be repaired. She can't get up on top of it with a ladder and fix it like a roof. She can't do anything about it except regard it with awed attention. It is like the sea, far beyond us, far too deep, far too wide, far too powerful.
She is not a product, or a substance, or an object. She is not any of these things. For want of a better term, she is a creature, a spiritual being.
We are creatures of flesh and light and movement. We go through life. Things happen. We do things. We remember things. Things hurt us, things delight us, things frighten us. We go on. We describe the things that have happened to us and look for the light of understanding in someone's eyes. We are creatures who love and hate. We love and hate and are loved and hated and we go on.
Our past is not a map on our skin, visible to the male gaze. Our past is something we tell. Once we tell it, people sometimes turn away. They can't bear it. They're not strong enough. They have to find the strength. We can't give them the strength. They ask us to put the past back in the past, but we can't do that either. Once we tell it, it's with us in the present.
So lay off. Gain some wisdom and some understanding. Find some humility and some awe. Go sit by the sea and think about it for days on end until your head hurts and you’re thirsty and all you wants is her -- however she is, whoever she is, wherever she’s been, whatever she's done.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2007): I am amazed to hear all these diverse experiences but I am not so astounded by the common points. It is difficult to be in the compromised position that everyone here has expressed in some form. Anger, animosity, frustration - I can relate. Here's my story.
Before I met my current GF of just over 4 months, I was single for over three years. I am 21, she is 24. I was in one long term relationship with someone I wasn't really attracted to, but I couldn't rid myself of her because of my own selfish insecurities - we shared all the same friends, we always hung out together, and we had very similar lifestyles. I loved her for the beautiful person she was, but I felt that I was missing out on so much. Finally things were ended once and for all, very painfully and slowly. She was a big part of my life. She recovered quickly, and instantly met a guy who she proceeded to date for over a year - I remained single. I felt such guilt that I told myself that I did not deserve anyone and that I the next person I did find would cheat on me or something and that was something I accepted.
Three angry, lonely years passed. Many opportunities to meet and connect with great people had surfaced, but I never took them up and was always regretful afterwards. I always found ways to sabotage them, and then proceeded to kick myself. This was during what statistically was supposed to be my sexual peak, and I was constantly being bugged by friends, my ex, and even strangers that caught wind of my situation and would say things along the lines of 'WTF is wrong with you - you are an attractive, nice guy - that long?!?!'
I continued to be frustrated with it, but then one day I met my 2 attractive, female upstairs neighbors in the apartment I was living in. I didn't do anything differently, but one of them pursued me. I was so flattered that my judgment was clouded. I was so exctied about finally seeing someone was interested in me. We had only hung out one time before we had sex, and she was the one who came onto me and straight up asked me for it. The casual relations continued, after all she was conveniently available. On the second or third time, she told me that she had slept with 22 guys, and I told her I had been with 1. I said I appreciated her honesty, but that comment had opened up a can of worms. After hanging out for a couple weeks and continuing with our casual sex, she asked me out. I didn't want to lose what I felt I had gained so quickly based on my initial perceptions of her, so I said yes.
Things were really chill and I really appreciated her honesty and openness, but I was bothered by thoughts of her past. I knew I had to just relax and realize that it was just the past, but that was really hard to do. Another thing that surfaced about her character that would bug me was her theivery of small trinkets and things, and she would come up with excuses for it like she was 'screwing the man' and such, and said she would never steal from people. She would also come up with elaborate lies to get out of work and things like that, but told me she would never lie to me because she cared about me. I wanted to let things slide, but the more she would share with me the more I became upset. I started to inform her that her past behaviour bothered me and that I didn't want to hear about it, but she would brush off my concerns and say 'it's a part of who I am, I can't change it'...
She continued to tell me things, and I was becoming infuriated but I more or less kept it bottled up. I think what bothered me most was that she had no regrets of it and kept telling me how it was all just sweet and innocent. Although, she told me before me she was only in one actual relationship that lasted a couple years. She was absolutely devastated by its end, and that's when her bout of promiscuity ensued. I was more understanding towards her, but she wouldn't admit that the actions she took were a result of insecurity. I wanted to hear that she was ashamed of what she did and that she wanted to change and that I was different, but I never heard those words.
Aside from these areas, things were great. I felt really at ease with her and I really enjoyed all the fun things we were doing together. It was so nice to finally have a companion again, and I cherished her company.
However, her non-chalant attitude towards her past kept resurfacing at the most inconvenient of times. At one point we were taking a romantic bath, and having a nice conversation about classic rock, and I mentioned that it seems that you never really here too much praise of the bass players. Then she blurted out ' I got with 2 bass players' and before I had the chance to respond, she said 'I can't change the past, its part of who I am', as if anticipating my response. I was mad, but I didn't say anything that night. The next day, I confronted her and told her that what she said really did upset me, and that she knew how I felt about learning dirty details of her past. She didn't apologize but she acknowledged my feelings. I was kind of in a dazed state, and I told her to just let everything out right now, from her first peck on the cheek to the biggest gangbang she ever had - BIG mistake... I didn't really want an answer, but the words had come out of my mouth. She began to tell me about a threesome she had with 2 guys, she told me their names (and even to look them up on Facebook!) how it happened, etc... I didn't know what to feel at the time, so I didn't do anything immediately. The next day I consulted my friends, and began to vent wildly... I felt so disrespected. I ignored her for days, until finally I agreed to talk to her. My plan was to break up with her, but when we spoke I didn't end up doing that. When we saw each other next, we talked and I told her that I wanted her to be more sensitive, and she responded with "I wont censor myself and you can't try to control me". We decided to stay together, but I still felt uneasy, although a little less so. I was still bothered by some things, like when she would get calls from one of her old 'friends' and she would sound so excited to talk to him, but she later said she felt uneasy because he would try and invite himself over. She said she didn't want that, but that maybe she would go for coffee with him. I said it was okay with me for you to be friends with who you want, but don't put yourself in any compromising situations.
We stayed together still. Then I moved, so we were no longer a floor away from each other. I went back to school, so we couldn't spend as much time together. I was strangely feeling that we had actually been growing closer as a result, and she was getting to know my family and I hers. I felt like I was falling for her and that we were making good progress.
I recently went to away to a conference for 4 days, and before I left we had a heart-to-heart talk. We talked about whether we loved each other but there was no definitive answer from either one of us. We concluded we loved each other "sometimes". When I was away, I got a call from an upset girlfriend at four in the morning. She said she had just stormed out of that old 'friend's' house after he made a pass at her. By the frantic tone she had, I thought she cheated on me and I was very disturbed - especially since I was in good state of mind prior to.
Upon my return, I hadn't spent much time with her. I had the chance to hear the whole story, and she was kind of tricked into the situation, so I was a bit more understanding. However, I have been stressed about things and the pressure of school doesn't help either. I haven't had much time to see her, and when I do I haven't really enjoyed it.
This brings me to now. After having been through all this, I feel that I need to make a decision. The burden of my thoughts are interfering with my studies, and other aspects of my life as well.
I feel like I know what I should do, but I am hesitant to act rashly. I know everyone is different and would handle things differently, but I think I could benefit from the perspectives of others. For those of you who already shared your stories, I thank you.
I notice that in a lot of these postings, the notion of love surpassing all the weight of one's past is common. I guess I don't feel that love right now, but what will I be potentially losing if I scram now? Could it blossom into something wonderful if I stay, of am I being naive? If I jet, Will I endure another 3 years of loneliness? I don't want to go through that again.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): I've read these posts, and I've realised theres alot of guys hurting out there unneccesarily, because of the girls they love have been with other guys and the way they have been with other guys, it also shows as well that the guys that love these woman are very judgemental and care what other people think, it shows insecurities as well. One guy in the thread went to saying he tried christianity and that didnt even work. Guys I saw this video on the web where this woman who was an ex prostitute , ex porn star and is now happily married with a great guy and they have 3 beautiful kids and she is talking about her testimony with people, how god changed her life. I think people on here need to read the bible, and God will help you be more understanding and loving. God forgives all sins and doesnt look at the past. For the guys that cant move on and that keep looking into the past, understand this that the past is an illusion which you create by taking energy from this present moment?, meaning your making this very moment, the only moment you ever have miserable , by trying to assymalate a moment which doesnt exist and recreate it. Read the bible , ask God for guidance and then write a post here and tell me if it has changed the way you see your girlfriend and her past.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): my girlfriend used to be a hooker and a cokehead and has had sex with like 200 people. Old men, young men, women. it sucks. Im 30 and she is 29, and I consider her the love of my life. I still get jealous because it seems like she has tons of guy friends, and they all feel really comfortable talking about sex and stuff with her, and whats worse is she feels comfortable talking about it with them too. It makes me angry how quickly guys feel comfortable with her. shes got all these pictures of herself with guys, just hanging out. but there faces are all close and their arms are around each other and stuff and it really hurts me. She will get angry if I get too jealous and interrogate her though. She will say shes not a whore and should stop thinking of her as one and that nothing ever happens. she says I am the only one she has been with for over five years. You havent heard anything yet.she is also married to another man. And has 3 children. ages 7, 8, and 9. I lived with her and her husband for about 3 years. It all started when her husband wanted to do a threesome with her and another guy. She told him she didnt want to do it but he insisted. I had just recently met her through a friend, we kinda hit it off, and she chose me. I didnt want to do it at first. i have only had maybe 7 sexual partners my whole life. Anyway, we ended up doing it, it was the most awkward ive ever felt, but afterwards, she continued to be really affectionate with me sexually, even in front of her husband. He was ok with it for a while but after a month or 2 he asked her to stop. H never said anything to me about anyof it. Never considered how it would make me feel, make her feel, or anything. So needless to say, after he asked her to stop, we couldnt, and have been seeing each other ever since behind his back, even while i lived with them. He is a real weird guy who is super quiet, super passive, and a bit of a coward and a pushover. All he does is work and play videogames. Anywayswe are still together, she is still married to him, she says its for the kids, but they dont have sex or ever see each other. They have nothing in common, and the marriage seems like it was out of convenience since he got her pregnant when they were really young.so i guess my point is--it could be worse.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): I've been datig this girl all summer (a little more than 3 months). I'm 19 and she's 22. She is great, we love each other, and we share our feelings. 2 months into our relationship we were sharing our past and she brought up the fact she has slept with about 30 guys before me, and one of them she slept with 2 days before we got together. She has slept with 2 black guys, a music school friend who is homeless, a mess of gross looking 30 year olds, her STEPBROTHER, she's been raped 3 times, and has had 3 threesomes, and then there's me. After that shock I was teary-eyed and told her she was my first. She felt really bad after telling me. She loves me so much tho, she says that I'm her first to make me feel better and promised never to bring up her past with me. she feels awful about the thing's she's done and deeply regrets them. Even tho she feels bad she tells me it's immature to hold that over her head. She makes me hang out with the gross looking 30 year old cause she says he's her friend. I also just got back from a trip to her parents house and her stepbrother was visiting. I had to put up with him for a whole week.She's now so smitten with me she's planned out her would-be wedding with me and says marry me when we are having sex. She says she's never been loud in bed until she met me. She meant it as a compliment but it made me really upset inside. Then again she tells me how nobody has ever treated her like I have and I am the sweetest man she has ever met. We plan to go to counseling at the college and work this problem out.I have no idea what to do. I want to be with her because I do love her, but I've never felt pain like this before. forgive the spelling and grammer, Im just really broken up about the whole situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): the worst thing is wen your girl has had sex with any or a number of guys when they werent in a relationship because that means she let guys use her when they blatently never cared too much about her and worse she liked it! those guys had sex with your girl and had as much of a piece of her physically as you ever will and it was her choice. do you really need to be that special guy that really loves her if she is the type of girl who is happy enough to have sex with guys who just want a piece of ass?
maybe theres the outside chance that she really thinks she was wrong and wishes she never did it but sadly we cant take back the things we do, thats why we have to try make responsible choices on a daily basis about the way we conduct our lives. the hard fact is that you precious love willingly opened her legs for guys who were only interested in one thing, her opening her legs!its easier to forget her past if you didnt really love her, thats the sad thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): The best you can do is talk to her about it. I married my wife know what her sexual history. She had 9 partners with a couple one night stands. I had only 2 partners and only 1 one night stand. Over the 10 years we have been married, it has bothered me from time to time, but if it is bothering me, I talk to her about it. I love and trust her. She knows that I regret my one night stand. I know that she regrets her past also. She has matured and wishes she hadn't slept with those men. What do I do to cope? I accept that I cannot change history. I am only human. I understand what triggers my jealousy and anger. For me it is thinking of the actual sex, not necessarly the relationship. So I try not to think about some other dude sleeping with my future wife. Except for one of her partners. I knew him. I try not to think about him at all. Ultimately if you cannot get beyond or live with her sexual history, then you need to move on. You need to have this discussion with any potential girlfriend very early in the relationship and be willing to end it if what you find out is not agreeable. Sorry, Love can be a kick in the junk sometimes.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): Get rid of her. Lets face it, if she has had more than 30 sex partners, she obviously is not the one you want to meet your parents. She is obviously an "easy lay" and has confirmed that. The odds are, that it is an extremely strong likely hood that she will not remain faithful to you.
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2007): It's not politcally-correct to say this, but I have little or no interest in what any woman has to say about this issue.
Most women are not hard-wired to care about this issue in the same way that men are. And because of that, most women will have little or no sympathy for mens' plight on this issue. A guy who admits to struggling with this will be lucky if his girlfriend doesn't just call him a sexist bigot for it.
Has the 32-partner girlfriend been used as the town bike? Yes. Has she learned & grown from it? I doubt anything from the sex. Whatever she learned, she could have learned just as much about men & life without humping all those guys, and that's the unfortunate truth. Serious relationship parters teach us important things about life. Sex partners do not.
If any women are reading this, MEN ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WHO HAVE SOME CHANGING TO DO ON THIS ISSUE. A lot is made of the fact that men "screw anything that walks" and have "double standards" when it comes to women. But little is made of the fact that women are very willing to let themselves be led into bed by obviously-bad guys for years before they wise up. Maybe that "phase" in young womens' lives doesn't seem important to them, but it's gonna be absolutely destroying their partner's feelings for them later on down the line.
There's no law against women screwing around all they want, but they shouldn't act like their future serious partners are jerks just for having feelings about it later.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2007): Okay guys. Here is the answer, if your girlfriends past haunts you, dont think about it, simple as that. Think about it this way, your the only guy who realises how special she is, dont be one of those dickhead users in real life who sleep with girls then use it against them later on. I too had a problem with my girlfriends sexual past, however in the end if you love her you will forget about her history for your sake and hers, I know it feels like shes cheated on you and why did she, but really we are all here to learn and experience, i bet you she didnt want to sleep with most of the guys that she did sleep with. if shes a changed person let her embrace that change, dont hold her past against her, because we as humans are ever evolving , and if she is with you and you are a genuine, caring person which we need more of in this world, then you will stop the viscious cycle and be that special person she deserves. Dont be a worm in her apple, thats just eats and leaves holes, you have to heal the holes. Shes with you, not those guys, if it hurts your pride too much, your not mature enough for her. You could try find someone else who doesnt have a sexual history and then maybe find out she lied about it? what would you prefer?. Live for today, forget her past, and make new memories, your better than all those guys, they dont exist, they were mistakes, you hopefully arent.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): hii met this canadian girl on the net and really fell in love,after a while we started talking about ex's and the like and she told me that shes slept with 27 other guys.shes 21 and im 23 ive slept with 6 girls.about a month later i went to canada from ireland to visit her and everything went perfect,shes just come back from a 2 week visit here from meeting my folks and im moving over in a month to live wit her.im slowly starting to find out who the 27 guys are,ive been worrying so much about other guys she hangs out wit,i really wouldnt like to be around people she has slept with.after a few weeks of this torture,every single day spent thinking of her with the other guys,how they met,where they had sex,was he better than me.i wanna ask so many questions but i dont wanna know the answers,she knows it bothers me and she hates it so im giving up on the whole "numbers" thing,cos no matter how much i sit around thinking about it,trying to figure stuff out ,there is nothing that can take it back,and it shouldnt even matter anyway all this happend before i even knew her.if only it was that simple says i .any other girl and i would of been out of there but i cant just walk away from this one so easy.shes a wonderful girl and my mother really really likes her and most of all i know she loves me.so just take a good long look at your girl and make a decision,she does have feelings too ya know.my girlfriend knows how i feel about it and keeping it bottled up does not help,so talk to her and if shes the one who walks out then you have your answer,
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2007): I´m on the same fu** boat, I´m 24 and so is my gf, she´s been with 15 man before me..... Im lost, I think about it 3-4 times a month and it just eats me up... Break up?? keep on going??... hard desition to make¡¡¡ Any Advice??
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): One other thing to think about is trust. I have two different friends that recently their wife's cheated on them. I'm pretty sure when they got married their wifes were virgins or close to it. I would rather have a wife thats had less than 20 partners that I know I can trust than someone with few partners that I may not trust. I think 20 would be the limit for me that I would feel comfortable with or even a few less, 32 is a lot. Everyone is different though. Most women lie about it anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2007): I believe to forget about the amount of sexual partners a girlfriend has had and to focus on the presant and forget the past is a great thing in theory but in practise i believe it is too difficult to do. The fact that you may love your women and the fact that shes a good partner in any way does not change the fact that she has done dirty things with other guys and they enjoyed it. I ask why does she need to have done those things to become the person she is today? why couldnt she simply have waited to get to know a guy who respected her and then have sex in a proper relationship and still remain the person she is today? It matters not how well your relationship is going with her, it doesnt change the fact that she has done all the things shes done to you, with other guys aswell. Accepting it just because you afraid to loose her is just the lessor of 2 wrongs. Yes we are living in the 21st century but why is that a good reason for her to bend over and take it from a guy who cares nothing more about her then getting some action? You can merely focus on the here and now but it doesnt matter how much shes changed and how long ago it was and what problems she was going through. Bottom line she voluntarily and willingly allowed a number of different guys to have sex with her. If you cant accept her past then how does the problem lie with you if you stayed true to morals and she didnt?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): I've read different responses on several different sites about this topic. Some guys have problems dealing with one or two, some don't care how many their partners have slept with. What's acceptable to one guy may not be acceptable to another. My wife has had 15 partners before me and I've had a very hard time with it since finding out. The one thing that I keep going back to is I've had the same amount. It's a double standard, guys want to sleep around but want their wife to be practically a virgin. I have a good wife in every other way, she is faithful,takes care of me and our children, cooks, cleans and does all the stuff a guy would want his wife to do. I still struggle with it, although it is easier today than a month ago when I found out. My wife went through a hard time in her late teens when her dad passed away, most of the people she slept with was around that time(17 years ago). She is a different person today then she was then. If your partner went through a tough time in her life and did some things you probably would be more likely to forgive. I don't know if I could forgive someone for several years of that kind of lifestyle where the numbers added up to 30 - 60 but like I said what is not acceptable to some is okay to others.
I also believe that the number for most women are higher than we would like to believe. The average for a women is something like 6 - 8, I believe it would be closer to 10 - 12 if they all told the truth.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2007): My girlfriend of 3 months recently revealed her sexual past to me, without my asking.. she just blurted it out one night. These revelations have been very hard to deal with... threesomes, group sex, and somewhere around 60 or 70 one-night stands... she's not sure how many really... this was all between ages 20 and 28 for her...
These facts from her past have changed the way I view her, and I don't know if I will ever regain the respect I had for her before I knew the truths of her past... the anguish you feel when you learn things like this is real, the hurt is real, and there is no such thing as just 'getting over it' because that is asking you to deny your feelings, which is not good.
You have to decide if this is something you can live with... In my case, I don't think her past is something I can live with, but, I am trying to deal with this as best I can.
She is a good woman today, but I don't think I would ever be able to come to grips with this... especially as I was considering her for a life partner... there is somehting about the thought that the future mother of your children has had over 100 cocks in her that is not appealling to me... but, this is something that only you can decide and come to terms with as to if you can accept her past or not.
If you can't get over it, or accept, or deal with it, let her go, it will only get worse with time. There is nothing wrong with the feelings you are having... the fact that you are having these feelings means they are valid concerns for you. We all are made differently, you have to decide for yourself what you can and can not accept in your life (or girlfriends past), and whatever you decide has to be right for you, regardless of what others think of you for it.
Having values and sticking to them is not a bad thing.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): Over the past two years I have read this post at least 50 times. In fact, I have read all of the articles resulting from the Google search on “angry at girlfriend’s sexual history”. I have read them all over and over again. Why? To try to find an answer to my feelings. I can fully relate and I completely understand all of you. I have since overcome these feelings of anxiety, fear, insecurity and most of all anger. I hope that my story will help you in your search for your answer to these thoughts and feelings and ultimately overcome it all.
My fiancée had been with many men before me. She had one night stands, “friends with benefits” sex, sex with men within terrible relationships and she did things that many would not approve of. This was all in the span of three years. I learned about all of this early on in our relationship. One day we both shared our sexual histories. Starting that day I had this slight feeling of disappointment in the back of my mind. At first it was a non-issue and something I knew I would soon forget.
I was wrong of course. Eventually, this tiny thought in the back of my mind festered into the foremost thought in my mind. As one poster described it “I can't stop thinking about it, when I first wake up to when I go to bed”. I felt the same way! It became a demon I had to face at the start of every day and fight it off every hour until finally relenting only in sleep.
I cried many nights. I was angry at myself, angry at all of those “dirty” men who “took advantage of her”. Most of all, I was angry at HER. Why did she give herself away so easily? What did she see in those men? From what I knew of them and the pictures I had seen they were clearly not worthy of such a great woman!
I was very confused as well. I had been in several relationships with women who had done far more than my fiancée; however, I never had these insecure feelings with them. Why did I suddenly start feeling it with this woman? Well, maybe it’s because she’s the first woman I considered marrying – something I couldn’t even fathom in the past! She’s also the most beautiful. In short, she’s the best woman I have ever known. With her came a new outlook on life for me. Sadly, with her also came my new found insecurities.
As much as I tried to bury these thoughts, they managed to surface on many occasions resulting in much tension between us for weeks on end. Our conversation suffered, our sex suffered and it was clear that we were heading towards a break up. Something had to change. And it finally did, however it took time.
Today, I no longer feel insecure. I no longer hold any grudges against her or any of her previous men. Best of all, I lost the anger and kept my lady! Read that again: I lost the anger and kept my lady. Don’t give in to these insane feelings by throwing your relationship away!
So what changed? How were these feelings overcome? With the onset of all this tension came the mutual resolution to take a break. When I say break, I mean an honest effort to stay apart, living in two different places keeping all contact to a minimum. Also, it was key that we both understood each other’s motives. We shared a deep love and we couldn’t bare the thought of ending the relationship. We started the break knowing that we would both remain faithful and that it would all be rekindled sometime in the future. No dates were set, we would only get back together once we were ready.
Our break lasted three months. I quickly began to resent our decision and I hated the first month. It was so difficult for me. On two occasions I asked to have her back in the first two weeks! I missed her more than anything. However, in that time I still held onto that anger and the moments of insecurity would become overwhelming. I often thought “this whole break is bulls**t and it’s all because she slept with all those men”. In reality it had NOTHING to do with her, it had EVERYTHING to do with me. I was the one who let these feelings get in the way of the relationship. I was the one who allowed the past to come into the present. I was the one who began to act on insecurities. The past is the past. I made mistakes and so did she. Punishing her for these thoughts was unfair. Killing the relationship over these thoughts would have been worse than unfair! What would that have achieved? The loss of a great girl and the continued torment of these thoughts. I didn’t want either!
Living alone I was forced to think about solutions to my problem and without her around I didn’t have the opportunity to lash out on her. I won’t kid anyone though, I cried…a lot. In private, I threw punches in the air out of pure rage. I did this nearly every night for four weeks. I hated life. I knew what I wanted but I had a seemingly insurmountable, self created obstacle in my way.
These were the lowest times of my life. Things could only get better. Eventually the anger subsided, the sadness faded. There is only so much pain one can feel. I slowly underwent a transformation. I had to make a decision, continue with the resentment or look for happiness. Happiness was the clear winner. To realize this happiness I had to have her and do away with the self-conjured baggage. Remember she is not the one who brought the baggage into the relationship! I created the baggage!
I had to stop thinking about the evil thoughts. Essentially, that meant that I had to stop thinking about her since at that time both thoughts were intertwined. This was a lot easier since I only had myself to look after. I started to not care about the relationship, in a healthy non-destructive way. I went from “she is everything to me” to “she is a great woman”. There is a distinction there. I no longer had the all-or-nothing feelings towards her. In fact, she is the only woman I ever considered marrying but she is not the only woman I could ever marry. I was able to take her down from the pedestal from which I had placed her. With this refreshed view to the relationship I slowly returned to the secure, confident man I had once been.
All of this went unsaid in our brief communications. I kept it all to myself as I slowly released myself of this heavy burden. Over the weeks I noticed an incredible change in our dialog, she did as well. We went from curt 20 minute phone conversations to talking and laughing in the park for hours on end. We were falling for each other all over again. This evolution towards happiness took place over several weeks. I was finally able to freely express my happiness with her without ever having any tainted thoughts. There was a time when my happiness was merely moments of subdued anger towards her past. These days are long behind me, my happiness if fully realized. There is no reason why you can’t feel this with your woman as well.
She did many things with many men, seemingly without a care. So listen to me when I say this: there is no way in hell that you have it worse than me. You can achieve this happiness just as I have. Don’t let these petty, insecure, meaningless thoughts get in the way of what you want.
Ask yourself this question: if you drop her and then later in life you find another amazing woman whom, you later discover, also had a “dirty past” then what? Give in and run away? Realize that the only thing you are running away from is a great woman all the while you would carry your negative thoughts along with you! Recognize it as a vicious cycle and break yourself free from it!
Remember, your woman is amazing! You fell in love with her for a reason. This reason is her, the person in front of you today, in the present. She became this person because of ALL of her choices up to this point in life. One of these choices was to be with you, to love you, to share half of her life with you. Remember YOU are the one who is sharing only a little of yourself with her while the rest of you tends to this anger. Tend to her and your relationship. Keep her and lose the anger. Breaking up with her is the final blow of blame towards her. It’s a choice: her or the negative thoughts.
Looking back now it would have been ironic to choose to leave her and keep the resentment. Had I made that decision, I would have been the same as all the other men before me; just like them I wouldn’t have deserved her.
You love your woman, you deserve her. Keep her.
Be happy!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): I too am suffering trying to deal with my wife's number. She has been with 15 before me. I can't stop thinking about it, when I first wake up to when I go to bed. I'm not insecure, I just feel like she is "used" and what we have is not special, I just happened to be the next guy. We have been married 7 years also and I just recently asked her, at first she said 7 and then she told me 15. I know she is faithful but I don't know how to deal with this. If I can't get get past it I will file for a divorce. 15 seems like a lot, I could probably handle 10 or less.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): I've read through all of the responses below. After 7 years married, I have not been able to shake the painful reality of her background (similar to those above). Though I love so many things about her and she is a great wife, there is a piece of the marriage that has never been pure, or sacred, or complete, or whole (however you want to describe it). I can't say that the intensity of my reaction to the issue has reduced significanty over the past 7 years. We have 2 absolutely perfect and beautiful childred (3 & 1) and they deserve the best the world can give them. The marriage has to stay in tact at whatever cost to my mental health for them. In retrospect, despite all the good that has come out this marriage, if I had to do it over again...
If anyone has found a coping mechanism or some way to live with this without going crazy, I'd be grateful to know.
|
