A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Dear expert,My name is James and I'm a 16 year old Irish lad from belfast. I've been going out with a girl called shauna for the last 6 and a half months. I met her in a girls school/boys school exchange that we had every week, someo girls would come up to my school and we would do either meatl or woodwork together, from day one we liked eachother. We got paired up in woodwork and haven't looked back since. We've both been with 5 other people before eachother and can truely say that we have never experienced anything like what we have before. We spend all our time together, have been through pregnancy scares, depression and REALLy testing family problems. We truely love eachother, we've told other people we've loved them before but we've never meant it really, we thought we did but it wasn't real being honest looking back. We plan to get an apartment together in two years while we're in university and we have planned a holiday for when we finish secondary school in two summers. We both firmly believe that we will marry and live our lives together, call it immature but its not, this is solid. We've been eachother's first times too. She's depressed chronically lately because her parents are seperating, her father is a monster to her and her grandfather who is still young enough has been diagnosed with a terminal illness.Last week was our roughest week ever. She became scared, that we'd turn out like her parents or her friend and her bf. She broke down and cried and we were back to normal, a few days later it happened again, same thing. Then on a friday, we had a fight, we made up and had what was the best end of a night we've ever had. We were texting after she went in. Then she told me she was going to stay with a 19 year old that is nearly 20 and in university.This man went out with her but wasn't with her for a week last summer. He's still obsessed with her. Over the six months he's harassed us and tried to convince her to dump me and cheat on me. However, he recently got his own GF. In the space of a few weeks all changed, he wants to be friends with her because he thinks they have great chats and trust. My GF is vulnerable and no longer rebuffs this. She bought it. He invited her to stay and watch movies etc as friends. She genuinely believed this when she told me. She got mad when I told her I didn't want to see her stay because it was dangerous, not normal and it hurt me that she was going to stay with another boy in anyway before we had spent the night together. I couldn't help my feelings. We fought and she brokeup with me, calling me over protective and saying that I was over-reacting. The day after, we made up and were stronger than ever. We spent the weekend out and got even deeper in than before.Two nights ago she had a bad depressive episode, I brought her out of this and we had a great day out yesterday. She was supposed to go out with her young aunty/friend today but she texted her so she could see me instead, otherwise we wouldnt see eachother for days. This morning I woke up and she cancelled the plans, she was evasive when I asked her questions but in a good mood otherwise and nice to me. She told me she was staying in her friends and wouldnt be out today, I felt upset. I still didn't believe her, conversation progressed and we talked about last week's incident. She came clean saying she was going out to Jamie. I was upset but she said I was overreacting again. She believes that he's loyal to his GF and that he only wants friendship. I know otherwise. He's always complimenting Shauna and he's unnaturally interested in her. She says now that shes only watching a movie and coming home, but I'm not sure I believe her. I'm really really hurt that she abandoned our plans for that ******* ****, she can't accpet this, I told her it would hurt me and she proceeded. She thinks it'll be fine and that its safe. Am I in the right to feel the way I do? Do you think the man has feelings or sexual intentions for her? Most importantly, What should I do for the long term future? I don't want her anywhere near him but I'm not a controlling person, I've never done anything like this before; so I can't face making her choose between him as a friend and me as a Boyfriend. How do I keep her and get rid of him? Please please help, I'm desperate and upset and so hurt that she can willingly do this knowing full well how much it upsets me. She's acting differently than ever before and I don't like it :(. :'( Thanks so much!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): Hey James, the best thing to do is move on; to start off has she been diagnosed with chronic depression? If she has that is already a big problem for her, that you as a sixteen year old should not have to deal with, she should seek professional help, I know you want to be a good bf, but she need counselling and happy pills. Living with someone with depression is extremely difficult.
How do I keep her and get rid of him?
I think you're right to be concerned, given the state of affairs but this kind of choice is not your to make, the girl can pick and choose I'm sorry to say, because the pair of you guys want her ,which she knows. If you tell her to choose she'll say again that you're controlling and will break up and that brings the other guy even closer, if you do nothing you'll can just stand and watch as he snatches her away from you, she's already slipping away from you, and I think you know ( her wanting to spend more time with him than you is a signal, you guys are together for six months, so you still should be in that state of blissfulness that being in love brings that you want to spend a lot of time together, of course you make time for friends and family, but when you value your relationship you wouldn't put your partner in this kind of situation, where you spend a lot of time at the place of a guy who was pursuing you romantically only a few months before, unless you wanna make you bf crazy jealous and disrupt your relationship).
You can save yourself some more heartache, and just break up with her again for good.
"We both firmly believe that we will marry and live our lives together,"
You sure she on the same page as you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2012): "Am I in the right to feel the way I do?" Yes.
"Do you think the man has feelings or sexual intentions for her?" I think you know exactly what his deal is and make no mistake OP so does she.
"What should I do for the long term future?"
Sorry dude but you're screwed, this girl has one foot out of the door of this relationship and is building one with him.
OP girls aren't as stupid and innocent as to not know when a guy who has acted the way he has and still does, is interested.
You literally can't win, if you put your foot down you give her the excuse she's been looking for to walk away. If you try to act the good boyfriend and let have her "freedom" he's just going to keep working on her until he gets her. Worst of all though OP that is what she wants.
When you get to my age OP you'll realize that women don't suddenly start spending lots of alone time with guys who are so very clearly pursuing them unless they want something to happen. I've had plenty of "movies" nights with girls and know what that is. OP she blew you off to go spend the night with a guy she knows you feel threatened by, she knows he likes her and she knows will keep working on her.
It's pretty clear what she's doing.
Now I must make something clear here OP, I'm not saying she has cheated. She might not have. But she is definitely building a close relationship with this guy, a guy who always made his intentions clear to her.
It's simple OP, you're screwed because she's already chosen him over you once, she's going to keep choosing him over you. I would walk away. To me all this is so obvious, I've seen it so many times before and you really just cannot win.
As I said if you try to stop her he looks like the good guy and is even more appealing because he's the forbidden fruit. If you do nothing and let her continue to do this, you leave the door open for him to get his claws in and he also looks more appealing because he's still fighting for her and you've given up.
Sorry OP but you can't win here, if you break up with her, she's his, if you don't then you're going to have to sit there and watch this douche take her away from you.
If you want to know for sure, here's what you do. You like movies too right? So next time she's going go with her, you can go watch a movie with them. If she refuses, makes any excuse at all and says no I'm right. If she says yes, and you go and they seem really uncomfortable having you there, I'm right. OP if you ever feel the third wheel while in the same room as her and another guy who she's not close friends with, you're screwed.
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