A
male
age
41-50,
*inkydude
writes:Dear internet friends I have a feeling this questions gonna sound all disjointed and chaotic but here it goes: I've been dating this woman for about 2 years, she's 36 and I'm 33.Initially things were wonderful because I had no expectation, nor did she.We travelled, talked, did all sorts of romantic stuff, which we still do.We always have romantic dinners, and light candles. El sexo is usually very powerful and bonding, and very mutually satisfying. The communication is great, aside from the fact that she feels that there are some subjects that I love that she hates- like my incessant talking about conspiracy theories, and off the wall "sensationalist" documentaries. She also feels that sometimes I don't listen to here completely. So for the most part everything is not bad. BUT....I feel its gotten to the point where things need to come closer together.She, herself let me know that we should try and see each other during the week, for lunch or dinner, or just for tea. I agreed with this, however with our work schedules, that is a little difficult. Some weeks I couldn't do that and I felt her becoming quite resentful that I wasn't "making an effort". So in other words I believe that in some way she feels the same as I do. I mentioned us living together and she's not at all comfortable with that idea. I think that this is some how pulling us apart in a way, as I feel like the relationship is not really going anywhere. Not to mention the idea of family or children is not appealing to her either, which is another huge disappointment to me.I feel incredibly sad because she is the most amazing women I've ever met. We really are wonderful together in so many ways. But to continue in this way, seeing each other once a week, in these intense spurts, gets tiring. I feel the need for something more relaxed, perhaps meditative. for the last couple months I've been thinking about ending it, at least that way, the memory of what we had wont be marred by the present situation. But its difficult to let her go too. I'd really miss her a lot.And I do love her so much. I think she can sense my feelings because I see this look of preoccupation in her eyes. Last night I asked her what was wrong, and she replied that we shouldn't always talk about "the relationship" that its difficult and tiring... But I saw that look in her eyes, and I don't want her to feel insecure and worry.Yet I do feel something must change or the relationship will stagnate beyond repair. What do I do?Difficult question??? Thanks peeps! Kinkmeister
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): She sounds like great dating material but not marriage material, so you'll have to choose if you want to live a casual dating life with her, or find a girl who will move in together with you. It doesn't appear that she'll want to move onto the living together stage anytime soon, but have a good discussion and see if maybe there are issues inside her that she might have to get past in order to make it happen, or if she is dead set in not wanting to live together. Communicate, even if she tries to distance herself or block you out..if you find you can't talk to her without her ignoring you, leave her, because she'll always block you out and you won't change that. Some people are just like that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2010): Dear,
It was sad to hear about your troubled state of relationship. One of the reasons, regarding the reluctance of your girlfriend may be that she is not yet ready to take the responsibility of having a family right now. Give her some time to make up her mind; and for the time being avoid discussing family plans and the like. Just be an understanding partner and try to spend more time with her. Take her to new and interesting places.
Another reason for this sort of behavior may be that she's feeling insecure and wants to test you, before committing in any further relationship. In that case, you've to make the effort to give her positive vibes, restoring her sense of security and stability. You people need to communicate and try to figure out (don't always talk about relationship matters, try being friendly and discuss topics of her interest) the exact reason behind her sense of insecurity.
Call her up or text frequently just to say the three golden words or to say that you're missing her. Ask her out for dates and take her to places, where you both never have been before. You may also give her a surprise by planning a weekend picnic or a short trip.If you want a soothing and relaxing place, there is nothing better than going in for a spa. If she says no, don't lose your heart and keep on trying giving her surprises. Send her flowers and gifts, just to show that you love her and she is the woman, whom you've always desired.
Never say die and keep trying. Do keep me updated.
Best wishes!
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A
female
reader, BagLady  +, writes (3 March 2010):
Even though you have been going out for 2 years it seems that to accumulated time you have spent together may not warrant moving in yet. Maybe you should start having it start as you staying at her place for a week while you go to work regularly-and vice versa. Moving in sounds like too big of a step right now.
Also, you may need to break up because you want kids and she doesn't. can you honestly say you will be happy with just her...into old age with no children or grand children to visit you, to raise and love.....just you...and her. Meanwhile all your friends and family have kids..you will fall out of the regular loop of life. People will assume one of you is baren or has some strange social issue. You'll watch everyone else's kids grow up...but never your own.
think about it.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 March 2010):
 As sad and annoying as it may seem, relationships hinge on expectation. If two people have the same expectation and can orchestrate a plan for future happiness then it is possible for them to move foward together. Each person is responsible and has control over their own thoughts, feelings and actions and if the two sides match and fit well, then it's happy days.
You obviously think the world of this girl but her expectations about the future are different to your own. You have both shared the initial 'honeymoon' period of romance but to her, clearly there are issues that need to be dealt with in order to feel secure enough to move in with you.
You mention that she feels you never listen to her? Have you tried to resolve this and really make an effort to see why she feels like that?...it's super important for most women to be listened to, so perhaps you could start there. Instead your getting frustrated and upset with thoughts of ending the relationship because she won't go along with your plans.
Seriously you arn't going to get anywhere with her unless you really do knuckle down and talk to her about why she feels you never listen!!! (I think your frustration demonstrates that you clearly arn't listening to her...you just seem to want what YOU want and expect her to follow along).
I know you said she sometimes doesn't want to talk about the relationship and that is a pretty huge red flag when someone feels unwanted pressure and they need some space.
Give her some space to think things over. When she is ready to speak about her issues you need to listen clearly to what she says. It may end or she might feel confident enough to go ahead and live with you...but it does have to be her decision.
If things arn't resolved after a few months then you will have to decide for yourself if your going to stay or go...either way you should stick with your decision and not use it as a threat to sway her thinking.
Sometimes people just need space and time. There is no rush so listen carefully and let the answer surface for itself.
If she's really the one...it's worth getting it right!!
Best of luck
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Well kinkyboy this is a hard one but probably very similar to a lot of relationships. It starts of great, everything is wonderful, you are so in love and then slowly niggles begin to creep in. It is hard without hearing her side of things but from what you have written I think she sounds a bit frustrated and demoralised. Maybe this is because she expects you to put seeing her above work which ofcourse is not always possible but some women do like to be first in everything. Some women also are not that keen on family or children they value their independence and acknowledge that they are too selfish to deal with things like that. When you ask her why doesn't she want you two to move in together or have children , what does she say? Some women are also very career orientated.
If you are getting to the point of wanting to settle down and get married and have a family then you should tell her this and give her the chance to do this with you and if she isn't keen then seriously consider moving on. However be really sure before you give her up as peoples desires can change very quickly and she seems so right for you in so many ways.
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A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (3 March 2010):
 Hi, I think you should sit down and make a note of the things you want to discuss with her. Ask her if she would ever want to move in and if so what is stopping her now? Also ask about kids whether she wants them or not?you can't change her mind on anything but you do deserve answers, you have been together for a while now and you need to know where it is going. I know you love her very much and I hope that she also wants to move forward. How ever if she doesn't maybe it's time to go your separate ways as you both deserve to have what you want from a relationship, obviously a relationship needs compromise but I believe there are certain things such as commitment and children you can not compromise on. Good luck.
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