A
female
age
51-59,
*arah123456789
writes:Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 October 2010):
 I don't know if that's really fair to say he just wants to get off. I just listened the other day to a guy in a magazine waxing poetic about how his favorite way to show his love is to have sex with his wife and how it's the most loving act he can imagine. It went on for pages gushing about how if he couldn't show his love that way, then he would be lost. It was very sweet. Anyways, I think you may be selling him short about the "race to get off." Are you sure you're not misinterpreting him with that? Sex and masturbation are very different things. You said below that he always makes sure you finish first. That doesn't sound like a guy just trying to get his rocks off, it sounds like a guy who wants to show you how much he loves you. You should try asking for some more eye contact and maybe you'll see how much he loves you during sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): "if you deny us sex long enough we start feeling ugly, unwanted, unloved"
It is exactly the same for women, especially because men tend to need the quick release more and will look at other women (tho it's not necessarily or at all about the other women) to aid this.
You made a crucial point there that I've just recently become aware of from a male perspective - if the woman doesn't initiate near as often as the man, he will tend to feel that his feelings and his desire is not as equally reciprocated. Things like this can lead to partners losing confidence in their sexual relationship and their relationship as a whole.
What sex means may depend more on the person, sometimes their age, experience, the relationship as a whole and sexual compatibility.
Let your husband know in little ways that you still desire him, even if you're not having sex, provide some material for him (of you) and try some of the suggestions from posters here, let him watch you sometimes. Don't let your sexual relationship die, it is more important than you may think. Make time occasionally to make love, experts say even if you never feel in the mood that if you basically make yourself have sex you may find that you actually get into it. Like never feeling like painting and then one day you're forced to by a 3 yr old and you start to enjoy it again :)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (15 October 2010):
 There is an aspect of just getting off, sure, but really if you deny us sex long enough we start feeling ugly, unwanted, unloved. Sex is about more than just a release to many men. It is a physical way for us to express our love for our partner, to feel close to them, to be one with them. I know it sounds corny or cheesy but it's true. I masturbate regularly. If getting off was all that was important to me I would have been content in my previous relationship where we had sex once a month if I was lucky. The fact that she never initiated and that it was a struggle to get her in the mood at all left me feeling worthless. There definitely is an emotional element for us as well.
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (15 October 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis has gotten me wondering about how sex appears to have a different meaning -generally- for males and females. For me, and other females, it is a bonding, loving expression, or we are usually not into it. But I see with my husband, and males in general, while there is sometimes the bonding/loving aspect to sex for them, more often than not it just seems to be driven by purely sexual gratification and/or release. I mean, my husband said he masturbated 1 to 3 times a day from the time he was 12 until when we met when he was in his thirties; hard to describe that activity as loving/bonding.Now I see that my husband is adjusting just fine to taking care of himself in the evenings, without any real involvment from me at all most days. It is hard for me to buy into how important it is for wives to give their husbands sex often when it looks like the bottom line for males is just getting off anyway they can, as often as they can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I agree exactly with person 12345. I was just impressed that it was sometimes something that was negotiated betw partners - like if she didn't want to have sex at the time, he might say do you mind if I... or do you think you might feel like it later tonight? - that kind of thing. I was impressed with that level of openness, honesty, consideration and caring. We all agree masturbation is healthy, what is sometimes NOT healthy is the methods used if they particularly affect a partner, in turn affecting their sex life and relationship. I guess frequency could be an issue too. Btw I would NEVER think to get permission from my partner to masturbate, I know he doesn't care and he would only ever encourage it, because in turn it helps me to help him please me :) Negotiation, compromise and communication all very important.
Spelling is definitely ;)
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 mmm.. yes Sarah, again probably best to negotiate and see what is suitable in your own personal circumstances, compromise and talking and making sure that BOTH partners are happy is always the best way.
However, unless you police someone and watch them 24hours a day, it is impossible to prevent them from masturbating in privacy by themselves. The catholic church has rules against masturbation and try to instil guilt, but even they fail to stop people from finding solo sexual pleasure.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 October 2010):
We're not saying there should be no secret solo activity. Well maybe minus the secret part. I don't think you'd find many couples where neither person ever masturbates. We're not saying you shouldn't encourage him to occasionally masturbate if you have a lower sex drive, it's just you don't want to just totally stop having sex (a sexless marriage is defined as less than once or twice a month). It's going to really hurt his feelings and could really hurt your marriage. Guys (well most people really) need to have sex to truly bond with someone and it's just an important part of marriage. I'm not saying you should force yourself to do something you don't want to, but it's just an important part of a marriage, an important way to connect. Sex isn't just about relieving tension, flushing juices, what have you. Just be careful you don't completely cut him out of the loop to the point of having separate sex lives.
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (13 October 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere are definantly(sp?) two different schools of thought on this issue. One is as expressed by Miamine, the other is quite the opposite and holds that a couples' sex life is meant to be a shared experince with no secret solo activity. I have seen plenty of posts on other sites which indicate a husband and wife would expect the wife to sanction the husband's masturbation in advance.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 October 2010):
Spot on Sarah, masturbation is a private habit, we are taught to keep it secret from childhood. It is difficult, demeaning and embarrassing if you have to ask for your wife's permission before you can have a wank.
The same goes for women... there are no women I know, (including the stories on this board) who think that their husband, or partner has the right to demand or ask that they get permission for sexually self pleasuring themselves.
In a relationship, yes, we should be considerate, and make sure our partners are sexually satisfied. But things become difficult and relationships are strained, when partners ban you the right to touch your own body with your own hands.
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (12 October 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen the shoe is on the other foot it gives you a different perspective doesn't it? (:
Seems like the SOs of men who masturbate instead of having sex are hurt by the masturbation, and those of us like me who are burdened by our SOs' requests for sex wish our SOs would masturbate. Be careful what you ask for (:
If he is so secretive, my guess he is embarassed by some aspect of doing it; either by the act itself or by what he is looking at or thinking about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): My apologies for writing my random thoughts after reading everyone's comments! I hope you have found some relief Sarah, I admire the fact that you seem to not mind how else he gets off, tho I guess that's because you all ready know he's always wanting to have sex with YOU!
My question was to the men here - is it normal to check with your wife b4 masturbating instead of having sex with her, which is the impression I was given by Yos? That struck me as very mature and respectful. I suppose it's just the kind of person you are or relationship you have. I think it's nice when men can negotiate things like that, my bf is VERY protective of his masturbatory habits, to the exclusion of me I feel :( Responses from women welcome too. Thank you Sarah :)
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (12 October 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, but I can't really tell what your question is. Could you restate it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): My god - yes I am one of those women who wonders why the hell my SO masturbates instead of having sex with me! Albeit I'm young and haven't had children, so I feel for you there. I'm willing to do anything to provide material for my bf to use instead of porn or the possible thoughts in his head, but he hasn't shown much interest. His masturbation is about him, about having sex with himself - whatever or whoever that means I don't know. I try not to think the worst. But I am surprised by some responses on here by men who seem to okay the masturbation thing with their partners. Is that normal? Because I have a bf who sneaks off to the bathroom in the middle of the night after browsing the net, even if I've woken up, when he used to just wake me up for sex. Confused, why do you okay it with your wives? I wish I had that level of respect from my bf :(
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 September 2010):
I'm glad it worked out for you. Just remember not to cut him off entirely. It will make him feel like you don't love him anymore.
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (22 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuccess! After putting off his requests for a week I finally explained to him that I resented having to work on him when I don't feel like it, and that other couples have the man take care of himself when she isn't interested. I told him if he wanted release he would have to do it him self. I guess after a week he was ready, because he did not really complain. I think he may have actually liked doing it because he did it for over half an hour until I told him it was time for us to sleep and he needed to finish. If I had given him a hand job I would have gotten it over in like five minutes.
Thanks to all for all your advice!!!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
Good luck, let us know how it works out for you!
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (15 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe only have one video monitor, no TV, and it is not in our bedroom. You are so right about the resentment! I am there now and am just not going to do it any more. I am going to use the recommendations you and others have given: We have a few photos of me from years ago -- pre-babies-- that I know he likes and I will sugest he masturbate to these if he would like. We made a sex video once, but it did not come out well at all and we tossed it. I will also suggest that I can go topless when I read in bed or work on the computer, or fold laundry so he can masturbate while looking at me.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 September 2010):
I'm not saying it's not normal, but I am saying making time for sex is really important. I know once kids come along it's REALLY tiring, but sex is the way men bond with their partner. I'm not saying it's wrong, if your sex drive just tapered off, that's OK too and you shouldn't make yourself have sex as that will lead to resentment. I read somewhere that couples without a TV in their bedroom have 50% less sex than couples who don't. If you would just prefer to relax, have you tried giving him some pictures of yourself or videos of you two having sex? That way he can feel connected to you even without sex.
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (15 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe used - before kids came 7 years ago - to have sex almost every day. I still enjoy sex, and orgasm very easily - he always makes sure I come first - I just am very rarely in the mood, and would rather sleep or watch a movie or read a book. I actually saw a major poll the other day that said 63% of married women would rather do those sorts of things than have sex. I feel like it is politically incorrect for me not to want sex all the time, but the more I read, the more I see most - not all -married women with kids feel like I do. I would just like my husband to start doing what some of the guys who posted here do - masturbate themselves and be happy with that when I am not in the mood.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 September 2010):
Once or twice a month is pretty infrequent (the definition for a sexless marriage is once a month or less)... Is there anything you need/want during sex that you're not getting? Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Do you get your needs satisfied too? Have you thought of adding in a vibrator or something to make sex more fun for you?
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female
reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (14 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I do, hence my question. Problem is, he wants it all the time, and once or twice a month is OK with me. As you can see from the other replies, I am hardly the only wife in this boat, and I would just like some relief, and some suggestions from others.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (14 September 2010):
 he's not an ape! why don't you just have sex with him?? he is your husband, after all. you are his only chance.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Yes, that's pretty much what I meant.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Two people can't always be in the mood at the same time. Plenty of times I've said: "do you mind if I masturbate? You don't have to do anything unless you feel like it". And I make sure vice versa is known to be fine too. It can be fun in fact. Though I've noticed that a lot of the time it's hard for someone not to get involved when that's going on :)
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 September 2010):
Yeah, at least that's the idea as I read it. You want him to masturbate, why not give him something to masturbate to. Do some housework topless or better yet nude or almost nude. I know that if my girl did that, and told me she'd love it if I pleasured myself watching her... I'd probably explode with excitement.
Of course, it would be really hard to keep my hands off her too.
The key is to make it something you're doing together without doing it together. Hell, I had one GF tell me she loved watching me masturbate. It was a little odd at first but after a while I'd catch her masturbating when she was watching me. That just got me more excited. But we liked playing sex games like that too.
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reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (13 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGabrielle,
If you are taking your top off while you continue what you are doing, id he then masturbating?
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (9 September 2010):
I can give a good handjob without even looking, so you can try that. But sometimes even that isn't feasible, so just take your top off and continue doing what you're doing. You'd be surprised how much men like women being nude (or semi-nude) while doing mundane things.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 September 2010):
Be careful what you wish for... Why not buy a bottle of lube, give him a quick handjob, then you're both happy?
And I love that male anon answer about using her bum and his hands! LOL though sounds like a pretty good idea... You could always pose for him too or give him some pictures of yourself.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (8 September 2010):
Why should I want him to have to do it himself??
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): Get him some good porn and just leave him to it. Works like a charm for me...
On the nights when I'm not up for it I suggests he goes and has a browse for porn on his computer and then come and cuddle me when he's finished.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): My wife just rolls over on her side, and leaves her backside for my pleasure. I get off (using my hands and her bum)' she still feels like she is satisfying her man, everyone is happy
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reader, Sarah123456789 +, writes (8 September 2010):
Sarah123456789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, I was not clear. He is much more frequently interested in sex than I am. I would be happy if he took over the task of servicing him when I am not in the mood, and I was just wondering if any other women have had any success doing this.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (8 September 2010):
I'm interpreting this as getting him to masturbate instead of pushing sex.
There are some women here who are wondering why their husbands masturbate instead of having sex with them. I'm sure they'd tell you to be grateful for what you have. But, if it's too much for you, then maybe go porn shopping with him and tell him he can use it to help take care of himself if you're not in the mood. Be careful though, you might be opening a pandora's box.
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reader, Newbie31 +, writes (8 September 2010):
 I think you need to elaborate more on your question.
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