A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid and Agony Aunts,I am 25yrs old, male, Italian, and still living at home. In the Italian household my parents and many families that are Latin/ European have strict families and moving out on your own is TABOO.. and something that is not taken lightly! In our families they only expect you to move out when you get married and that's that!I am not looking to get married yet, I am enjoying my single life, and I will not rush into marriage to get out of the house. I have two elder brothers and two elder sisters, and they have married and moved out and I am the youngest alone at home with the folks.My folks do not have a life, and their social life is non existant due to my mother not keen on being social anymore and my dad just follows and is silently very frustrated.My mother relies so much on me to do everything, and don't get me wrong.. she is in her mid fifties vibrant and very able to do as she wants, but she chooses to be on her own and not have any friends nor does she wish to go out to make new friends, she doesn't like going out to friends/family functions...etc.My parents are old fashioned in the sense that they don't go out together, they do not go on holidays together, the last holiday was as a family TEN years ago! they don't do much together.I want to move out soon, as in 2011, and I am scared of what will happen to them!I have an active social life and I am fortunate to have a great group of friends.My problem is that when I go out with my friends my mother sulks that I am always going out and I never have time at home, nor weekends for her.. (I only go out on weekend)only recently when I go out and know I am going to be late have I stayed over at friends place because when I arrived home late from a party or function I would get told that I am making her blood pressure high.I go out with friends, or we go away for the weekends I get such a massive guilt trip and the (sighs)the ocassional crocodile tears, the sad faces, and then the silent treatment, when she goes into her rooma nd doesn't talk.She doesn't know all my friends, nor do I feel that I have to introduce every single friend of mine, it's always why, who, wha,t where, and why, it even got to a point where she wanted the numbers of the people I was with!!!! I am a very good judge of character and my friends are good people from good families.I am sick and tired that I am an adult, most of my friends have their own places, others have parents that are not like my mother, and slowly this has actually made us more distant.My parents don't have a life, and I became my mothers social life in terms of going out, going shopping etc.I try to get my parents to go out together on their own but then it's conplaining, bickering, and my dad gives up, and keeps quiet.Is it fair as a 25yr old to be treated like a baby, and being made to feel like crap for having a life outside of home whcih has become such a morbid place that being home is not nice.My mother has even said to me that if someone were to ask what days of the week she hates and she said that Saturdays and Sundays are the worst days and she hates it, but is that my fault?I feel terrible when I go out thinking she is at home miserable, but ultimately what she would be happy with is if I were to stay at home and never go out.What can I do?What can my parents do to enjoy life because I feel scared that when I move out she will sink into a bad depression and it will all be my fault!I know it's the empty nest syndrome and what not, but this has become too much for me to handle as it is making me depressed and not wanting to be home to hold everyones hands!!!Help!
View related questions:
depressed, living at home, moved out, on holiday Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, highculture  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Hey,
I know exactly how you feel, because my parents are very much like yours (except they're not Italian lol). But listen mate, my best advice is MOVE OUT. I know you said your parents would dissaprove unless you get married, but sooner or later it's bound to happen. I mean, if you decide never to get married, does that mean you're supposed to live with them until you're 50? I don't think so.
So just find your own place and start living your life exactly as you want to, without having to worry about what your parents do or say. And if your mother still gets lonely, why don't you just call up your other siblings and ask *them* to spend some time with her once in a while? Sure, that doesn't mean you yourself should forget about your folks and never visit them, but from reading your post, I get the feeling that right now you're the only one who spends time with them, whereas it should be a job shared by all your brothers & sisters.
In any case, you should stop feeling guilty because IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It took me a really long time to accept that myself, but I think I'm finally starting to, and it's so liberating. If your parents are depressed, it's probably because they have no life, and if they have no life, it's because of choices they've made and which had nothing to do with you. So yeah, once again, just stop feeling bad about it, because I can see that you're doing everything you can for them, and if that's not enough, well it's entierly their problem.
Anyways, I hope I helped at least a little bit. I know my advice doesn't count for much since I'm way younger than you and probably not as wise as I think I am, but there it is anyways. Good luck with everything.
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (8 September 2010):
 u shouldnt feel responsible for ur parents misery.ur dad sounds more sensible,so try talking to him. discuess the situation between them and kindly tell them that there will be a time when u leave home,and u don't wanna see them in such a state.if he agrees with you and tries to work things out ur good.either way move out. what can she do?yes she will get hysterical and then get over it.ur not the baby here. she is. she has isolated urself and now blames u for her possible misery.dont fall for it. ur a great dude but if u continue living with them ull go crazy!
...............................
|
