A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, hope I can put this down in some sense making way, might be quite long so thank you in advance to anyone who can be bothered reading it all..I've been seeing this guy from my home town for last few months. It was never going to be serious as I live in a city a few hours away and he travels with his work a lot as well as having a 4 year old son who is his priority.Aside from the circumstantial incompatibility, we aren't greatly matched in some ways that are important to me but we do have an incredible sexual connection. We've been meeting up at weekends which has been fun and nice, when we're apart he regularly phones me for a chat (though he is not keen on texting)Recently he has been talking more about the future and saying he wanted me to come visit when he was working down south, making plans for weekend breaks camping together and he even asked me to meet his mum last time I was at home (I couldn't go with him on that occasion)I don't think either of us are in love, but he is the best friend of my sisters boyfriend who has told her that this guy can't even think straight when I'm around (I don't know if that was meant in a nice or not so nice way..) I like a lot about him and really enjoy our sensational sex but can't see myself ever being serious about him, and not looking for a committed relationship at this point anyway.So last week, we both had a gap in our schedules and I went up to spend a few days with him. We fell out one evening after I'd made him a nice meal, I heard him taking some sort of pill in the kitchen. When I asked him what it was he told me it was a tramadol. This was his friend who is also living there's medication (he'd been in a car accident) so there was no need for him to take it. I was insulted that he would want to sedate himself in my company and asked why he didn't at the very least offer me one so we'd be on the same page! I wouldn't have likely joined him but it felt like a deception that he would take a drug behind my back.I was angry and he just fell asleep. The next morning was awkward.. after lots of silence he didn't really seem to think there was anything wrong with his behaviour. Conversation turned to What Are We All About and he basically said how his head is wrecked just now and he's got too much baggage, that I probably want more than he can realistically offer. I know that is true, there are many of my needs he wont ever be able meet but physically things are just so incredible between us that I put a 'friends with benefits' suggestion out there. We had some very passionate reconciliation, I spent the night with him and then he had couple of days with his son.We saw each other again on the Sunday evening before both of us would have to leave the next morning. It was late before we met up and pretty much went straight to bed.. so (and sorry I can't explain this without going into a bit of detail) when we were being intimate, he is always very sensual and we share a lot of pleasure before getting into the act but this night he came before I had and he did not seem bothered about sorting me out. I was annoyed because this had also happened the last time we had sex leaving me high and dry - and it is unlike him. I said as much to him but NOT at all in a shouty/aggressive way, tried to make a joke out of it but at same time showed it was bothering me. He started getting really defensive, I reassured him it wasn't a criticism of his ability, more a question about why he wasn't showing the same care as previously. He got really irritated and shouted at me that I was 'doing his head in' before getting up and sleeping in the other room. I was really shocked at his reaction and upset that he had shouted at me. In hindsight I realise it was 2AM in the morning and a stupid time for bringing up any serious conversation, especially when we had to be up at 7AM so I can understand why he was annoyed. But I really don't like being shouted at.. so I got dressed and told him I was going home - which meant an 8 mile walk! He didn't seem bothered that I was leaving, so I left and that was that. He made no contact the next day. Neither did I. However, it was his birthday a couple of days later and I sent him a brief text 'happy birthday x' to which he replied almost straight away 'thankyou x'Later that night I texted him again to say I was free for a couple of hours and to call me if he felt like chatting. No response. I was a bit hurt by this to be honest and totally thought he would have responded. The next day I sent another light and friendly message saying it was a shame he didn't feel like talking and asking if he'd seen the northern lights (he was working up in a place where they could be seen and it was the night of the solar flare). Again no response. Like a fool, the next day I texted once more to ask what he was up to this weekend. He didn't reply.So! My questions - I wont text him again obviously, but should I actually call him? Or should I just accept he can't be bothered? Is it fair of him to be ignoring me like this? If I leave it and he contacts me in a couple of weeks should I excuse him for treating me indifferently? I don't feel my behaviour (criticising him for taking a drug behind my back, querying his sexual technique late in the night and then walking home for miles like a mad woman!!) warrants such treatment - or does it? Seems strange that he's quickly gone from wanting me to meet his Mum that very Sunday afternoon to simply freezing me out. I don't get it. His ego can't be that fragile can it??I've honestly never had such amazing sex with anyone ever in my life and I now feel gutted that I've messed up what could have been a mutually beneficially arrangement.As a side note, I am 100% certain there is no other woman involved in this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDamn right I'm invested! Three months of sharing the best sex I've ever had, I'm obviously going to be fond of the guy. I just know I won't ever be able to love him due to some glaring incompatibilities in other departments.
He was the one who left his ex partner and while I believe he is suffering from the negative effects of their dysfunctional relationship, I don't believe he is still in love with her. When me and him were just getting to know each other I actually gently encouraged him back towards her as I feel sorry for their 4 year old son but it became pretty clear over time to me that he has reached his limit with her.
Thanks again for the feedback, I really love hearing all the different views, it's genuinely thought provoking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Well if his wife was/is inclined to freak out then he won't want confrontation or anyone questioning him. He has his baggage to sort out and isn't over his ex,its too soon for that.
I still think your invested in him alot more than you think, or you really wouldn't care about him or his reactions.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 March 2012):
 Thanks for the update, it makes more sense why ther is confusion in the relationship.
1. I don't think he is all the way over his ex. Specially if she still involves him in her meltdowns. It can be hard not spilling into your relationship.
2. I would let him cool down. Maybe you two need to define what you want/expect from each other? IF you start talking? So you are on the same page.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here, thank you so much for the variety of responses here. I appreciate all of you for taking the time to share your take on this and it's given me plenty food for thought.
I would like to clarify a few points though. First of all I didn't create the title to my question - the comment I made about his ego being fragile was just one muse among many. Wouldn't say it was a throwaway comment but if I wanted to put a finer point on it, I'd say its less to do with his 'fragile ego' and more to do with an unwillingness or inability to resolve conflict, however minor.
The mother of his son who he split up with some 10 months ago is an unstable woman who he describes as having 'meltdowns' every couple of months, possibly bipolar and that while he tried to fight to save their relationship she was impossible to talk with blamed him for anything and everything. I think this has led him to being ultra defensive with me, even when I'm not on the attack - just wanting to talk about something..
And we are NOT friends with benefits - like I said I didn't write the question title. We have been seeing each other exclusively for a few months but because of the distance and lack of compatibility in other areas I was the one who put that out there but we didn't decide on that. Of course I have some feelings for him, we've been spending a lot of time and I'm not without a heart. I just know that I will never love him or be able to be with him in a serious relationship.
As for finding someone else? Right now I don't want a relationship but I love sex and have had plenty of experience over the years - and this guy is the best lover I've *ever had. I couldn't just 'go and find' someone else who could replace him, I've honestly never had a lover like this. He doesn't have a big **** or a particularly "hot" body but he knows every button , every trick physically and psychologically that turns me on. We also have compatible kinks, if I could just whistle to replace him I would but it isn't like that..
To the respondents that insinuated my behaviour was unreasonable.. maybe it was but I would rather walk home 8 miles in the middle of the night than have a few hours broken sleep and an awkward rushed morning together when we were both trying to get to work. I don't like being shouted at so I left, if that is crazy behaviour, then yes I am crazy.
I won't be contacting him again but pretty sure I haven't heard the last from him. I've left the door open and if he's able to handle the "hassle" of someone wanting to talk about sexual frustration or concern over pill popping, then I might accept his apology, if he promises to make it up real good ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): You don't want any more than sex with him you say,FWB arrangement, that's all he wants too. So really all you have to do is find a replacement, some bloke who just wants great sex with no strings. Plenty of them about.
You took the fun out of this arrangement and started acting like a girlfriend and an angry one at that. He's not going to bother with it, its not his ego, he just doesn't need the hassle.His silence proves that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): I have "frozen out" a few women before and it had nothing to do with my fragile ego. It had a lot more to do with my just getting bored or annoyed with them. And to be blunt, it was also because I knew I could do better for less trouble elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (11 March 2012):
 This relationship has so much less to offer you would be wise not to get blind sighted by the "amazing sex" which by the way, hasn't been so amazing lately anyhow. I think your friend has an addition to pain killers. You just happened to be in the room the night he felt comfortable enough to pop one in front of you. This would explain his change in behavior, both sexually and emotionally. He is using pain pills as a mode of escape. From what I do not know but if I were you I would NOT call him, I would not text him anymore. You have said yourself you're weren't interested in anything serious so don't get hung up on him. He definately isn't into anything serious, in fact I'd say he's just using you for a sexual escape, and it would appear that more is for him, and less is for you. I think you're seeing the person he really is. Pain pills change a person's personality. And they become less who you think they are, a deeper puzzle of darkness than you'd care to know. Take this as a cue that the relationship is over and remind yourself that you weren't that into him anyhow. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 March 2012):
 I think he probably liked you too much and wanted to move things to a more permanent basis. You aint interested in that, and so he went off the idea of relationships.
Then you guys had disagreements about a lot of stuff.. so now he's got no proper romantic relationship with you, and the FWB thing is just giving him a headache.
I think he's decided to call the whole thing off. Just treat him as your sister's best friends brother or whatever, and forget you ever had sex. At the moment you is chasing him, and he's showing no response, which means the sex thing & the romantic thing is over. Just treat him like a guy you used to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): I can't tell what is going on but it seems he thought you were more than fwb since he wanted to introduce you to his mom, he was talking about the future, visiting him as if it were a relationship. Maybe he was upset about that or he was tired and couldn't be bothered to pleasure you too, or maybe it was the painkiller. Was he taking this for pain or just for the hell of it? I'm not clear on what is going on here.FWB is a pile of trash, when you use people for sex without any commitment eventually one of them is going to get hurt if they have or end up developing feelings which most people will in a relationship that includes sex and affection with someone they like. I also think your reactions aren't that of a fwb either so maybe you both need to sit down and talk about it again, or since he is ignoring you and you don't see any future here then don't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2012):
I think this is typical for a FWB where the people aren't really friends and not 100% clear on what the hack is going on.
The thing is, HE thought you was his GF or something - I mean WHO introduced his F-buddy to his mother? Really? So I will assume that he felt more for you and had a whole other set of (maybe unrealistic) views of whatever it is that you guys have going on.
He found out that he was nothing more then a lay/warm body to you and I guess he got his feeling hurt.
To quote you...:
"my sisters boyfriend who has told her that this guy can't even think straight when I'm around. "
THAT is not how someone feels about a F-buddy. That is how you feel when you care about another person/have genuine feelings for another person.
This is a prime example why FWB is RARELY uncomplicated.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (10 March 2012):
 I am from a slightly older generation, but the definition of an FWB relationship seems to be a very loose, and non commital style partnership.
Feel free to correct me, if I'm wrong.
So I am wondering why you feel so massively affected by the recent events.
The number of men and women in this country who are MARRIED or ENGAGED who will experience both painkiller usage and will have their partner come before they do tonight alone is in the millions. So I'm at a loss to understand why a person in an FWB situation should be screaming 'unfairness'.
Are you being completely honest with yourself? Have you got deep feelings for this man?
If he has pissed you off, and isn't returning your texts, why call him?
I don't think his ego is fragile at all. It seems that he is following the FWB rules. I think you need him more than he wants you.
You are angry at his lack of attention. So what is he to you, in your mind? Casual sex? A booty call? A lover? A boyfriend? Be honest. Who walks 8 miles home from an FWBs house in the middle of the night, just because they didnt have an orgasm? (and in your own words, like a mad woman?).
Imagine you are him, then re-read your message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): For friend with benefits you put way too much thought into this guy.
I muse it's no problem for you to find another one like that. Guys like casual sex, just whistle.
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