A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:?If anyone can offer any advice I’d appreciate it.My friend has a 13 year old daughter who is very spoilt and has a very bad attitude towards everyone and everything. Before everyone starts ranting sticking up for her- I’ve know her since she was a baby- her parents split up when she was 2 and neither of them discipline her and give in to whatever she wants. She’s rude and brings everyone down. My 40th birthday is coming up and I have arranged for a few of us - my friend included (adults only) to go for a weekend away, here in the uk. I have organized a limo to pick us up, a spa day, a theatre show and nice hotel and a meal at a fancy restaurant.My friend’s daughter should have been staying at her dads that weekend but he is now no longer able to have her so my friend wants to bring her along and obviously she will pay for her too. I’ve politely told her that it’s adults only and that she wouldn’t be allowed in the spa as it states ages from 16 upwards as well as there will be an issue with the theatre as we all have seats together so if her daughter came she wouldn't be able to sit with us.My friend suggested that everyone could take it in turn to look after her daughter at the spa (sit outside with her) which isn’t fair as she isn’t our responsibility and regarding the theatre, my friend suggested we ask someone in the group to sit on their own - away from us so her daughter can sit with us! Once again, not going to happen- why should someone have to do this?!I’ve explained to my friend that it’s not fair to do this and that I wanted it to be adults only- I have nieces around her age who won’t be attending so it won’t be fair if she comes , when my own nieces didn’t. Her daughter has both sets of grandparents she can stay with as well as aunts and uncles and friends but she’s just making it difficult for her mum. Her mum doesn’t want to leave her alone and her daughter doesn’t want to be left alone either which I completely understand.My friend said if her daughter doesn’t come she won’t either- so I told her that was fine and I would give her back her money if she can’t come but she keeps trying to find ways for me to agree to let her daughter come.I will not change my mind. I can’t tell my friend that I don’t want her daughter there as she has a terrible attitude and will ruin the weekend.Any suggestions to make my friend accept her daughter won’t be coming without upsetting her feelings?
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male
reader, Myau  +, writes (18 March 2023):
 Say no.
And tell your friend to send her to her grandparents or whoever.
Not your problem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2023): @anon female reader of March 15th - in UK there's no minimum legal age for leaving a child unattended yet it is a criminal offence to put them in a situation where they could be at risk.So , if anything happens, if the 13 y.o. gets hurt, injured or sick when she is home alone, her parents can be prosecuted . The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children recommend that nobody under 16 should be left home alone overnight and these guidelines, albeit unofficial,are generally taken into account in courts.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (15 March 2023):
 I suspect I know where the 13 year old gets her attitude, lol.
In your shoes I would tell your friend that YOU don't want the daughter at your week-end because everyone will have to watch what they do and say in front of a child. I am sure they would all rather just chill and not have to worry about that.
Give her back her money as quickly as possible so that she is under no illusion that she or her daughter are attending. I would go as far as to try to find someone to take her place so that there is no way she can come. If she gets upset, that's just tough. She doesn't seem worried about upsetting YOU.
Have a great birthday party.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2023): Besides the point...but why 13 years old needs a sitter as mentioned here or she can't stay in a hotel by herself while all of you at the spa? 13 years old can even babysit already as my daughter did at that age.
With that said, adults only means adults only. I also don't like the fact that your friend threatens you with " then I won't come too". 13 years old can stay home by herself, she doesn't need any grandparents to watch her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2023): Better said:
"Last I [heard], baby-sitters are hired; not appointed or drafted!"
*Otherwise, it's voluntary!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2023): Who's birthday is it after all? It's yours, my dear! You have a right to call the shots! I wish you a "Happy Birthday!"
It's my opinion that it was quite presumptuous of her to suggest anything contrary to your plans; considering first and foremost, that it's YOUR birthday!
I'm not sure what part of "for adults only" that your friend doesn't get; but you should stick to your guns and enjoy your birthday. With or without the friend with the bratty-daughter!
First off, she has no right to issue ultimatums! I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree! That's probably where the daughter gets it! Last I hear, baby-sitters are hired; not appointed or drafted! If she didn't want to bother her in-laws, or her own parents, what makes her think she should expect your group to do it on-demand? Talk about nerve?!! With a rude child to-boot!
I'm only speculating, but I think she just wanted to bring the child along; but there's this common thing among permissive-parents with undisciplined poorly-behaved children. They don't mind imposing their kids on others who have to endure the tantrums, or the child acting-out. Publicly being rebellious, and disrespectful to them as parents; as well as all other adults. Yes, they are only children; but if you can't control them, leave them with a sitter, or stay home with them! If you can't handle your own kids, others don't have to put-up with them! I love kids, and I expect them to be kids; but I expect adults who have them to be able to keep them under control! Nobody likes being around mean or bratty children; not even their own parents! I think the problem is, her daughter insisted on coming along; and threatened to be a pain if she couldn't.
You've insisted there no kids; but she tried to guilt-trip you into letting the girl come along. It's obvious you feel a little guilty, because you wrote a post about it; but you have to set your boundaries, enforce your personal rules, and people should respect them. It was not up to her to rearrange your plans; and assign everyone to childcare services.
Feeling guilt is for those times when you say or do something you shouldn't; you know in your heart you were wrong, and remorse is a delayed-reaction. Not for standing-up for your rights, morals, set-plans, or principles; as long as they are within reason.
It's sensible to always keep in-mind, you shouldn't impose on the rights of others; or completely dismiss "legitimate attempts" on the part of others, to negotiate or compromise with you. You will always encounter willful selfish-people who ignore your boundaries; that's when you're forced to be assertive, and will have to stand your ground. Persistence, or obstinance, doesn't always have to be rewarded by surrendering to people who bully you; or try to lay guilt-trips on you.
You handled it properly, even if the friend may have an attitude for awhile. Let her, she doesn't want to get left-out. I do make one small suggestion. Don't take a survey among the others; keep it between you and the friend. Others shouldn't be forced to choose sides. I'm glad you came to DC instead. I see a bunch of great answers here!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (14 March 2023):
 You need to be firm and just give your friend the money back. She is really pushing the boundaries of the friendship to be honest. Its your birthday and I would certainly not let your friend ruin it. 13 year olds have no business being at this type of a party.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2023): But the point here it's not that the girl is spoiled or has a bad attitude, so you don't need to stress this or even just to mention it. Even if she were a sweet little 13 y.old angel spreading love and light on her path - she still could not come anyway for all the good reasons you mentioned : the spa, your nieces, the theatre etc. You made very clear that it's an adult only event , and 13 y.o. is not an adult - end of story. Plus , it's your frigging birthday and you are entitled to celebrate it just as you want it, even if that should disappoint some of your friends or guests. Just stick to your guns, in fact refuse to discuss the subject ever again - if she brings it up, just say, sorry , I decided it's going to be adult only , and change immediately subject. If she insists, say - sorry, I have decided et.etc.- please do not insist.
You don't need to worry about upsetting her, because she is not worrying about upsetting you ! Actually, you have had so far the patience of a saint with her, if it had been me , frankly , I would have promptly demoted her from friend to casual acquaintance : I don't want and I don't need any friend who does not listen to what I say (what part of "adults only " did your friend not understand ? ) and that pushes forward their self interest even when it's detrimental to my best interest.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2023): Your friend is very thoughtless and inconsiderate. She is trying to turn your birthday treat into it all being about her and her daughter. Why should you or any of the others put up with the various compromises and inconveniences this causes you? Asking them to take turns being a babysitter is ridiculous. Selfish. It is up to her to find someone to do that, that is what part of having kids is, taking care of them, not taking them everywhere you go. She chose to have a kid so it is up to her to make sure her daughter is taken care of while you are away. I am not sure I believe the bit about how father could not take care of her either, think it is more likely she preferred it this way. If she makes a fuss stick to your guns and perhaps rethink whether she really is a good friend.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2023):
 Be firm.
A 13-year-old has NO place at an adult birthday party weekend. If she can't FIND a sitter, she can't attend.
I don't think it's all about the kiddo's attitude but the fact that you don't BRING a 13-year-old to this kind of event and NO your group of friends are NOT obligated to take turns watching her, WTF?!
I think you need to tell your friend that there is no way she can bring her daughter, if that means SHE can't go either, so be it.
Just CANCEL her part of the trip and give her the money back NOW, that way it will be easier than having her show up WITH her kiddo (and you know she will).
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