A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and yet he still says he doesn't know when he'll be ready for marriage. I've asked him twice now and he's said he does want to 'one day' but he has lots of living to do before then. When I ask him what type of 'living' he means, he doesn't really have an answer but sometimes mentions things like travel, living abroad, getting a better career and that sort of thing. However he doesn't seem to have a definite plan so says he can't give me any proper answers about it. He's a bit younger than me (I'm 28, he is 26) so maybe that's why? I mean I don't want to get married right now but we've been together for 4 years and I feel he should be able to give me something a bit more definite than 'one day' or 'I might like to emigrate one day' at this stage (it's not clear if I'm included in that or not either because 'it's just an idea he's throwing around'). He doesn't seem to be able to tell me anything and I'm not sure if I'm wasting my time or not. You hear so many stories about people who refuse to commit to a long term partner because they are not sure, yet they go on to leave then marry someone else really quickly. Shouldn't he be sure by now? Moving in has been briefly discussed and he seemed up for that at the time (not that it was an explicit offer mind you) but I don't feel like I could take that step without knowing what his view of the future is, yet I don't want to bring it up much more and come across as a total nag. Any advice? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 He has everything and you continue to lay it out for him, so he is wondering why change the status. You are unlikely the one he will marry as he does not feel that way about you. Yes it sucks but don't hold out for him. Keep your options open, he is doing the same. If marriage is what you want, you will not get it from him. Close this chapter.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (4 December 2013):
 Reading between the lines here, I see a lot of maybes and sitting on the fence -- by both of you. You talk about living together, but it wasn't an explicit offer. You talk about marriage, but he says he wants to, but not right now. You've essentially said the same thing.
I think on one side you want to know that you matter in his life but on the other you aren't sure either whether you want this thing to "go all the way".
Not to be critical or mean, I am not even sure you know what you want.
After 4 years YOU should have an opinion and a game plan too. And from your post I am not seeing it. I think you are up for whatever plan he has in mind.
I think it is time for you to really ask yourself what YOU want and what your timeline is. If you know this is the man you want to marry you need to determine how long YOU are willing to wait and gamble on with him. The answer to that question will no doubt be tough and I suspect you haven't asked it because it puts your relationship at risk. If you want a permanent live together situation, then pursue it. But don't beat around the push.
His excuse wanting to do things before "settling down" is somewhat troubling as well. He sort of sees it as life ending. It may be worth exploring with him to see what his visions are and what he feels he needs to accomplish. You may want to join him on that path of self-fulfillment as well.
It sounds like to me that you have a lot to think about. There are no guarantees in marriages, relationships, and in life. I can't stress enough for you to make a list of what you want to accomplish in your life and asking yourself if this man will be apart of your future -- or not.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, M Proops +, writes (4 December 2013):
I believe Ken Dodd was engaged for over 25 years and his fiancée died still waiting.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (3 December 2013):
 Yeah, I have to agree. 'One day' is about as non committal as it gets.
After four years of dating, your boyfriend is entertaining possibilities that may or may not include you.
My advice is not to mention or even hint about it again. Just see it as a short term thing, enjoy whatever time you have left together and quiet start de-investing in the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): "Marriage was only stupid till he met and fell in love with someone who he loved enough to want to marry."
This is exactly right.
I was with my ex for four years and he always used to say we'd get married 'one day' ... obviously as he's my ex, it didn't work out. It would have been wrong, we didn't love each other enough.
With my current boyfriend, it's so different. He WANTS to marry me, we've not been together that long and as soon as a reasonable time has passed, we'll do it.
If you've been together four years, it's not unreasonable to have a frank talk with him as where your relationship is going. You should be able to judge from his reaction how seriously he's taking your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2013): I hate to agree with the previous posters, but I do and unfortunately I think they're right. Getting MARRIED (as in having a wedding ceremony, marriage certificates, etc.) can wait, but getting ENGAGED is another story... If he wanted to, he probably would have asked you to marry him and he could have just waited for the wedding. I am engaged as of this year and waiting at least two or three more years to officially marry, by choice and happy about it! There isn't really any reason he can't "live" while being married. He's acting like having a wife will tie him down and prevent him from doing anything at all. I really hope that isn't the case for you, especially since being with someone for four years requires a lot of love and commitment.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2013):
 Sadly I agree with CaringGuy on this one.
"I don't want to get married" is only part of the statement. "to you" is the other part.
It does not mean he does not love you. He does to the best of his ability.
I can only give you examples to explain it but I can assure you that at 26, after four years together if he's NOT sure he wants to marry you, he doesn't.
My son is 27 dating a young woman now about 5 months. He already talks of the eventual wedding. He KNOWS he wants to marry her... it's just a question of waiting an appropriate amount of dating time.
My husband and I met when he was 37 and he swore up and down that he was NEVER getting married, marriage was stupid and not needed. We got married a year ago when he was 39 BECAUSE HE WANTED TO GET MARRIED. Marriage was only stupid till he met and fell in love with someone who he loved enough to want to marry.
We have friends who married about 3 weeks before us, the first time groom was 52 at the time. He just had never met the right woman before he met his bride. He knew her two years before he married her.
You can nag and push all you want, it's not going to change that he probably will never want to marry you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2013):
I'm going to be honest - I think you're 'Miss Right Now'. I do think he cares for you, but I also think that after 4 years, he should have a much clearer idea of where he wants to be. But he doens't just seem unsure about your relationship, he seems unsure about his entire life. He might or might not emigrate, you might or might not be involved in that, he won't give you clear answers, and any talk of marriage is just 'some day'.
I would have thought that if he truly wanted marriage, he would have been sure by now. Four years is long enough to know how he feels about you. I think you now need to think about what you want from this. Are you happy being Miss Right Now, or would you be better ending it and finding someone else who wants what you want.
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