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For my porn-addicted boyfriend, will me not having sex with him make him distant or just horny?

Tagged as: Pornography, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2013) 13 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2013)
A age 18-21, * writes:

hello,

this might sound childish but i really need to make my boyfriendd want me more, i really need to tease him, but will me not having sex with him (we r sexual active) make him distant or just horny.

see the thing is he watches porn and i hate it, it enrages me and makes me want to leave him. i cant leave him because i love him and we have a good relationship but when it comes to this i just cant let it go but he always gets angry and say stuff like "stop having a go at me its not your busieniss" .

it drives me crazy it makes me depise him more than anything! but i love him. ( and yes love does exsist at my age )

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

ok so today i talkeed to him, he said he is going to stop exsept when i am away and then he will try but he is saying he wont do it all the time, oh my god, thank you to everyone that helped on this matter ohh my woow ferel so good

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2013):

You have to love yourself before others can love you. Your weight has nothing to do with your boyfriend watching porn. If you need him to have sex with you to make you feel better about yourself, then you have the wrong attitude about sex; and giving it to him for the wrong reason.

Sex doesn't prove you're attractive to your boyfriend. It doesn't prove he loves you. You're using sex to keep your boyfriend's attention. You feel he doesn't love you unless you give it to him. That is exactly why I said you are too young to know what you're doing. Boys will use you and lose respect for you. Sex should be between two mature people who understand how to keep themselves safe, and prepared to handle any negative consequences that could arise from having sexual intercourse. It is an expression of love, it does not define love or confirm someone loves you.

I hope you find another boy who makes you happier than the boy you have now.

It may take a few bad experiences to teach you what I mean. I will offer what I can along with others in the hope that something will stick in the back of you, mind and you will use it someday.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (15 May 2013):

I think that if him watching porn makes you feel insecure there are a couple of things you should consider. The first is that its simply a quick way to stimulate himself. He doesn't watch it because hes not satisfied with you or he wishes you were thinner.

The second is that he he probably should quit watching it for you, but he probably won't. He definitely should if its affecting your sex life.

The problem is that the two of you view porn in completely different ways. He wont quit, not because he doesn't love you, but because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

I don't watch porn very much, mostly because of the negative sexual effects. But when women have given me an ultimatum to choose them or porn I've always chosen the women, even if I don't see it as the problem that they do.

You'll never be happy if he he doesn't stop watching it and you deserve to be happy. So you need to tell him that you can no longer tolerate him watching porn, and whether he agrees with you or not, if he doesn't quit you're leaving him. Be prepared to leave him and to step up to the plate sexually, because a lot of why people watch porn is simply because they're horny and have no one to have sex with. And, unfortunately, people's imaginations aren't what they used to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

and the thing is that i really do love him, we are like best friend and we have known each other fot 10 year. and it definatly stems from insicuritys, i think of myself as fat and hate the way i look, i just wish he would stop if he loves me, surely he should ?

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (15 May 2013):

For the record, I never labeled women who don't want their mate to watch porn as insecure. I asked if it makes her insecure, maybe it wasn't worded well.

And I have no problem with people labeling porn watchers as perverts; everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I do believe insecurity plays a large part in why people don't like their S.O. watching porn, simply because that's been my experience. I believe it also can be unhealthy for the male's (possibly the female's) sexual function. Lastly, I believe that people have the right to expect whatever they want from their spouse, so regardless of any opinions or reasons, people can end the relationship over it. Its when you dont want to end the relationship that you have to start asking questions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

just want to add that i didnt choose the title, the site did

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A female reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86 United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2013):

"stop having a go at me its not your busieniss".

I'd dump them on that comment alone but that's just me.

Find someone who doesn't look at porn in a relationship there are plenty.

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (15 May 2013):

Yos agony auntIn my experience men (and perhaps boys) start wanting to avoid using porn when they realise it damages their sexual functioning. Men want to be good lovers, when they know porn makes them worse lovers they'll think about cutting down or quitting.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (15 May 2013):

YouWish agony auntFirst rule of relationships is to NEVER play games. Withholding sex as a weapon to get someone to do what you want is a recipe for disaster. Sex (or lack of it) is never to be used as a weapon to manipulate someone if you want a healthy relationship.

That being said, your title says that he's "porn-addicted", but your post doesn't sound convincing, especially since you're trying to deny him sex. If he were addicted, it would sound more like an addiction if he regularly refused sex with you or regularly had Erectile Dysfunction.

He has a right to watch porn, and you have a right to accept its use or leave him. You can't accept him but strongarm or withhold to get him to not watch it. What if he told you that he would withhold intimacy with you unless you started wearing 3-inch heels every time you went out? What if he refused to tell you "I love you" until you agreed to have sex with him anally twice per day? You can't control other people's sexuality.

You are incompatible. You have the right to not allow porn in a relationship, but the only way you can do that is to find a guy who shares your view about porn and doesn't like it inside of a relationship. Remember, compatibility, NOT control and manipulation.

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A female reader, HappyPlace United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2013):

HappyPlace agony auntI think the "I really need my bf to want me more" has summed this up. Yes, porn does clearly affect their relationship and being INSECURE has got nothing to do with it, so don't let anyone else say so. Send him the link on yourbrainonporn.com to try and understand what is happening to him. His sexual goodies are being wasted on porn as are most mens, but they can't see it. If your needs are not being met, give him a warning to stop or ease up on the porn else you are out of there. This situation will only get worse if you don't address it. Porn is a scurge on our society!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013):

CMMP, you are entitled to your opinion about porn. However, so is the OP. You shouldn't automatically label a woman as "insecure" for not wanting porn in her relationship.

Just because he may not be choosing it over her doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to be upset. After all, there is no on/off switch for feelings. You can't help it if you feel a certain way about something. That would be like telling you to never feel attracted to a woman again whose not your wife.

Actually, I just thought of a better comparison: Since you're a man, you don't think it's right when some women label all men who watch porn as "perverts", do you? I don't agree with that, either. But it's equally absurd and unfair to label all women who don't want it in their relationship as "insecure". Everyone has a right to have their own opinion without having a label slapped on them.

OP, if you don't like it, that's fine. Don't let anyone make you feel like you don't have the right to feel this way. Some people WILL judge you, but don't listen to them. If you want a man who doesn't watch porn, drop this one and start your search.

They DO exist, believe it or not.

Plenty of people, men AND women will tell you "all men watch porn, any that say they don't are lying, blah, blah". That's also absurd, how can they possibly think they can speak for every man in the entire world?

Think of how many men that is! What people like that are doing is assuming what they and the people they know do must automatically mean everyone else does it too. Completely unfair and inaccurate assumption. That's the same as saying ALL women hate porn, and are "insecure" about it.

Bottom line, find someone who shares your views. No matter how much you love this guy, his porn use will always bother you, and over time your attraction for him will deteriorate. And given what you've told us what he's said on the matter, it doesn't sound like he sees it as a big deal, and won't be stopping. He won't even discuss it with you. That's his choice, and you can't force him to do (or not do) something. I suggest you tell him you don't feel you are compatible with him, and you can't get past this. Then take some time to yourself. When you're ready to try dating again, try visiting an anti porn website, and try contacting guys who are members. I don't know how those kinds of sites actually work since I've never visited one. I would think you would be able to communicate with the people on them, though.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (15 May 2013):

What exactly is the problem? Does he chose porn over being with you? Or are you just insecure?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013):

Of course love does exist at your age… But if that’s the type of love you want in return for yours – Good Luck!

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