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First crush and self-loathing thoughts, how do I cope with them?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends, Gay relationships, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 September 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 September 2018)
A male Spain age 18-21, *2rgd writes:

I think that all started last october when I realised that I really liked a boy at school who is a year older than me. I remember being walking and chatting with a friend of mine along the corridor when he appeared out of the blue and greeted both of us with a great smile.

I instantly felt something bizarre, and I was so shocked that I wasn't capable of greeting him back and continued walking with my friend. He seemed to be quite uncomfortable by my reaction (which is completely normal because I didn't greet him back and just continued walking and staring at him).

Throughout the school year I couldn't help but think of him and stare at him, but I never dared to speak or greet him again (well I did speak to him like three times, but those were very brief conversations). At first I thought that I should first try to guess if he fancied boys before attempting to pursue him, but the schoolyear started to reach its end and I still had no clue.

The thing is that on June he graduated from highschool and even if I knew that I'd probably not have the chance to pursue him, I couldn't get him out of my head. So I asked a couple of friends for advice and they told me that I should at least try to speak to him. Unfortunately, when I had the chance to greet him I chickened out and said nothing at all.

The worst thing is that on the same day that I started having a crush on this boy, I started to feel very self-conscious. I felt like I didn't deserve him, that he was too good for me and I was just rubbish. Moreover, I used to dream and fantasize about us dating, but I immediately started thinking that it wouldn't work out because I would feel awkward and self-concious around him, and that if I started dating someone I would just get too attached to them and eventually become a burden.

On the one hand, I guess that at my age it is normal to see a crush as a flawless individual, and it is also true that I've never had a very high self-esteem, but, on the other hand, these thoughts are new to me and I can't help but wonder why I am being so mean to myself.

I have also noticed a change on my behaviour. Before all of this started, I used to be very careful whenever I had to speak with somebody, and I always tried to avoid offending anyone because I really cared about how other people would feel. But when I started having these feelings, I started to react very emotionally. For example, the other day, when someone was talking to me about an uninteresting topic, I directly told them that I really don't give a sh*t about it, which made them a bit upset. And since I still really care about how other people feel, I immediatly feel really guilty and I tell myself how rude and insensitive I am.

Besides, I have been a shy person during most of my life, and hence, I am still quite inexperienced regarding socialising and don't know how to properly adress to people during certain situations. And now that I'm trying to be more sociable and extraverted

I often end up putting my foot in my mouth.

My questions are:

Should I just try to be brave and talk to my crush so as to fight my insecurities, or just try to forget him? If the best thing for me is to forget him, how much time does it take? I know that the answer depends on the person, but I would appreciate some tips on how to avoid thinking about him. After all, even if this hasn't been the first time I've been attracted to someone, it is the first time I've liked someone ONLY because of their personality, and it really seems difficult to forget about him.

Would it be a good idea to befriend this guy when I stop having feelings for him? I mean, he's very dependable, kind, funny and has a great personality, so it seems like it would be a great friend; but I'm afraid that I might end up falling for him again since "his inside" is what attracts me.

How can I boost my self-esteem? I have probably had these thoughts on the back of my mind for a long time (I remember having similar thoughts like a couple of years ago, but I didn't have them as often as I do now), and now that I have become aware of them I really want them to stop.

Do you have any tips on how to improve my social skills? I don't want to feel awkward and guilty most of the times I have a conversation with someone.

Thanks in advance for reading this :)

View related questions: crush, shy

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A male reader, x2rgd Spain +, writes (30 September 2018):

x2rgd is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your replies, they really made my day!

By the way, I actually wrote this question about a month ago before school started since I really needed to vent, but I didn't feel confident enough to post it.

The other day I decided to post it because a friend of mine was insisting that I should talk to my crush, but I felt like doing that would only make me feel worse (I actually decided to stop thinking about him months ago, and also told my friends that I was trying to get over him; but I just couldn't get him out of my head and some friends still brought up the topic).

Now that I am busy with schoolwork I haven't thought about him as much as I used to, and thanks to your tips I'll probably get over him soon :D (I'm considering taking up a new sport or something to keep me busy).

I also really liked the ideas of the last aunt who answered my post. Oh, and as a transgender female it really made me happy that you referred to me as a girl even if I said that I am male :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018):

Dear teenager you are a bit muddled right now but you are certainly not abnormal.

Many teenagers feel this way.

You are not attracted to this boy for his personality as you have zero meaningful interaction with him!

Part of you realises this and you are trying to bring about an adjustment by belittling yourself which isn't realistic at all.

There isnt a magic password to a relationship at your age.

Your hormones have kicked in and thats all!

You need to spend time doing things that are fulfilling in other ways.

It is totally unnecessary to persue a crush or seek friendship with a crush because it is a form of torture.

The only thing you know is that you are attracted to guys!

Thats all you need to take from this but this is just a painful beginning.

It will never be real love.

Crushes are just a recipe for disaster and leave you feeling literally crushed.

So now you know this its time to think of reality.

For example read the news every day so that when you grow up you are informed about world events.

And start thinking about where you want to be in your life in a years time.

Try to imagine that this boy is already seeing the girl next door and they watch films and eat takeaways together.

You need other fun things to do that will take your mind off him.

For example you could learn to cook the best pizza ever and try out new combinations!

Also do some keep fit stuff or learn juggling just for a laugh.

Hoola hooping is very good for the waist and hips when you are young and can be done alone.

Create a fabulous desert each week as this will be very handy when older.

Go to a thrift shop and look for a special bargain t-shirt just for you.

Try chopping T shirts up and make a designer look for yourself!

Maybe even consider something voluntary with an organisation that offers volunteer work to young teenagers.

Get off the boy meets girl page for a while and remember the boy dumps girl page is equally as distressing as a crush.

Tell friends you are over him as this will never materialise into anything.

Open your mind to the reality that one day you will blossom into a girl who knows how to converse with boys of your own age.

Stay away from romantic music.

Do not watch romantic films as this will fuel your obsession.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018):

So what your saying is your so wrapped up in your own emotions that your offending other people ..

This is called frustration ..even if you do speak to him no one can say for

Certain that he will want more than casual

Friendship .. but why not say hello.

And take deep breaths and just relax a lil

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2018):

If I could go back to your age, I would tell myself to loosen up and just see where it goes. Don't overthink. The best way to develop your self-esteem is to pursue your interests, engage in hobbies outside the academics, and build relationships with people with the same interests as yours. Having a strong sense of self attracts the right people into your life. Good luck!

Love, M

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