A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with a guy for the past 5 years and I have known him 7. The thing is we are fighting all the time. A few years ago we decided because I love sex a lot he allowed me to go off with other males and that is exactly what I did. There were conditions tough which was fair enough. One I was to tell him when I was going off with someone and two I had to bring them home with me and have sex on the couch for safety he told me but he used to watch me having sex in the living room and three it was NOT to happen in our bed This was fine he had not participated in this routine with me as I had a few insecurities and I thought that he would understand this. He did until one crazy night I was out with friends and I brought one home not very attractive and he had sex with her in our bed and I felt really bad for this I was down stairs with a guy too. I so regret all this that has happened but I cant find myself to get over this. We are fighting all the time since. Im engaged to him for the past 2 years and I feel so hurt, the engagement has finished because he asked me to remove the ring. Not the fact that he had sex with her because I was half to blame for this but he slept with her in our bed and this was one of the agreements. This situation is so messy. I rely a lot on him for money and at the way jobs are looks like I struck in a total rut. Im half way through a bachelors of arts degree and i need some guidance for the next step. I have 2 children which are NOT biologically his but been with him for the past 5 yrs well there is a bond with the children. I now becomming regretful for ever meeting him. He is taking none of this and I feel he is disrespecting our relationship. Please Help
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): The relationship is over, you just need to find a way out.
Don't worry about the kids or any bond they have, that will subside quickly enough and is not a good reason to stay with him. staying in an unhappy relationship where he was not enough of a sexual partner for you is not healthy for them in the long run.
Neither is the financial issue, there are plenty of ways to get state money, children's allowance/benefit, back to education allowance, maintenance grant, there's simply tonnes of things you can do.
But you could also defer college for a year if needs be and resume it next year.
Deferring for a year might be a good idea, the last thing you need right now and should you decide to move on, is the spectre of essays, exams, tutorial work and study hanging over your head.
Go talk to family, ask for opinions from friends and ask for help from those that know you and him. Explore what options are available to you. But whatever you do, don't use the reasons you stated as excuses to keep flogging this dead horse of a relationship.
It was over the minute you decided he couldn't satisfy you sexually.
Your options are this, stay and fight, bang your head against a wall, add the stress of this to the stress of college assignments as well as trying to raise two kids and keeping them oblivious to the stress and trauma at home, and by xmas you'll be a candidate for a breakdown. Or you can set up the conditions necessary to move on and away from him.
Think of your long term future, not just what's easiest to do right now. If your grades suffer then you'll have to repeat, that will cost even more money and you and your kids will still be stuck in this dead relationship.
Let me just had he had every right to sleep with your friend as you could, why shouldn't he? So what if you're insecure? You were doing it to him it's only fair that he's allowed to participate too. Where else was he supposed to sleep with her if you had someone else downstairs?
I suspect he's of the opinion that the agreement was that you don't bring someone up into the bed not him and after all the guys you've been with what's the big deal if he does it once and in your bed?
You're together for all the wrong reasons you have to find strength and end this. If you want to act like a single woman then become single. Frankly and I really don't want to sound judgmental but if you're in college now working on an Arts degree you might want to tone down the crazy nights out and promiscuity and focus on getting yourself a career, which is already exceptionally hard with an Arts degree unless you plan on being a teacher or go on to do a masters.
You don't sound like you haven't struck the right balance yet because while you think all this partying and sleeping with guys is fun, it's actually just causing you misery in the long run and I bet your grades have suffered for this too.
You need to evaluate more than just your relationship with this guy, you need to closely examine the life you lead and whether it's going to lead you and your kids to the best possible future. I suspect you have many friends that love to go out and get monged, sleep around and party like it's no tomorrow but they probably have careers already and a stable home life. You're working towards something now and it's important you get this right or you'll be stuck relying on others to pay your way while working crappy jobs.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): OK - you need a wakeup call - back to reality time!
Sure, the "not in our bed" prohibition was in place - from him over you. However, if you brought a woman home for him, and there was a guy there for you in the livingroom, then your mister was running shy on places to take her. Further, he laid down what he felt were the ground rules he needed you to respect when you were with another guy. That does not mean the very same rules apply to him - he needs to be made aware of any rules that you may have for him, and follow them just as you follow his rules for you. If the bed rule is something you need him to follow TELL HIM SO BEFORE giving him a woman to take to the bed!
The reason the rules may be different has nothing to do with double standards. It is because he and you will have differing preferences and differing insecurities. If, for example, he were not concerned about infection or pregnancy, he might not care whether or no your studs wear a condom, however, for either physical or emotional reasons, if you were to request he always wear a condom with any other partners, he should respect that. The "ground rules" of open relationships should be negotiated and discussed before they are given a chance to be broken. The fighting and arguing the two of you are involved in is the result of this misunderstanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Well Anonymous,
My FIRST and ONLY thought here, is YOUR innocent children in all this mess. And although I appreciate that you are feeling obviously very unhappy about the circumstances surrounding your relationship with your boyfriend, but both of you are adults, and should be acting like adults.
I cannot believe a Mother of two young children brings home men for SEX with the boyfriend in the same house at the same time, where YOUNG CHILDREN could wake and witness this. I don't apologize for being direct, and don't care if other Agony Aunts or Uncles think it's too direct either.
Your FIRST responsibility is to your children, not your appetite for CASUAL SEX, whether your boyfriend goes along with it or not - that already says, that neither of YOU should be in a relationship, let alone with each other, as you're obviously not mature or responsible enough, to conduct yourselves ' privately out of sight ' of two young children with your extra sexual curriculum.
If it were just you and your boyfriend, what you do is completely down to you - but when young children are involved were what they see or hear can directly affect them, is utterly wrong. Children do not choose their parents, so if and when we have children, we sometimes have to choose a path, or perhaps NOT live a life we might have liked, because they need us to set an example to them and give them the values for life, LOVE and relationships.
Once you and your boyfriend were in agreement of ' extra' sexual partners....and in the family home, all the conditions go out the window - and as for being engaged, being engaged means commitment to ONE person, so evidently NEITHER of you are committed to one another.
You have set yourself on this path with your boyfriend where almost anything goes, and now you are depressed about the consequences of not living as proper family unit and loving couple devoted to each other - this is what happens! You may not be able to get it back on track with your boyfriend, and may be, that would be a good thing, rather than bad, as you don't seem to be able to be faithful to him anyway...Nor want to either by your question. You don't stay with someone for habit, or because they help with the bills, you stay with someone because you love them, and can't imagine being without them...oh yes, and that old fashioned thing ' called
being FAITHFUL, SEX with just your partner '
Those who live by the sword die by the sword...meaning, what you give out in life, you bring it back in - which is why your boyfriend has lost all respect for you, and probably himself..no boundaries, you are both all over the place, and ALL relationships need boundaries to build foundations to strengthen it.
STOP having casual sex, STOP, STOP, bringing men to your home to have sex where your children are. Concentrate on your arts degree, setting good examples to your children. STOP being dependent on a man for money, and instead of spending your spare time looking for sex with men, USE that TIME to get some part-time work to support yourself and children.
Please put your children first - and stop this irresponsible behaviour that you and your boyfriend seem to have made a FULL-TIME Occupation.
Children are a blessing!
Jilly
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 Really, you two aren't meant to be together. This whole relationship is out of hand in my opinion. Maybe I'm a prude, but I could never have such an agreement, let alone act on it. I have a really high sex drive too, but I'm not going to be going out picking up random people just because my partner may say it's ok. You run so many risks with that kind of behavior. What kind of example is that for your kids?
Yikes.
Ok, lecture over. What you need to do is evaluate the important things in your life and focus on those. I know you're dependent on him, but you may need to change that. Fights happen in any relationship, but they shouldn't be the primary method of communication. To me, it sounds more like you were just roommates who occasionally had sex, then BF/GF. Time for you to decide what you want, and my gut tells me it's not this relationship.
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