A
male
age
51-59,
*scar_U
writes:A girl started working for me a couple of years ago and we hit it off instantly. We had a similar sense of humour and although she is a bit socially awkward (by her own admission), we just seemed to get each other and enjoyed each other's personalities. Soon enough, we started messaging each other outside of work and, over the coming weeks and months, grew pretty close.It got to the point that whenever we weren't at work, we had a conversation bubbling away over text. It was never flirty (we're both attached) and I'm sure it wasn't a case of her just replying out of politeness. I even asked her once or twice if she felt it was all too much, and she said no, we're friends and the amount of attention I gave her wasn't inappropriate.Then, after six months (a month into the first lockdown), she stopped replying to messages. Her explanation was that she'd always been someone who likes to switch off during evenings and weekends, but I couldn't reconcile that with the previous six months, when she was super chatty.Since then, we've continued to speak at length every day when we're at work, and have grown even closer. On the rare occasion that we mix socially at work events, we give each other our undivided attention. We see each other as good friends and confidants, but still she barely engages with me outside of work. Sometimes, randomly, she'll swap a few messages with me, but on the whole I get the silent treatment.I know she still messages other friends, so this appears to be a policy reserved for me. It's as if, on the one hand, she is determined to see me as her boss and colleague, but on the other as an intimate friend. It's confusing, to say the least. I've tried mentioning it to her jokingly, but I get the feeling she doesn't want to talk about it. I cannot understand how someone I'm so close to could only consider me a friend during colleague hours, when it should (and used to be) the other way round! Any thoughts?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2022): Question is... Did you expect that it would just go on and on and on forever that the two of you would be constantly in super chatty contact?And just that, and nothing more? Life being what it is, that would have been a flat line/plateau that surely either one of you was bound to walk away from eventually.It takes a (former?) major sucker for texting like myself to surmise that maybe you're one major sucker for texting, and possibly, it was the thrill of the constant contact, and not so much the content, that, on some level, made you 'feel alive' and... wait for it... wait for it... happy.I'd suggest that you tell yourself that there needs not even be a reason why things are no longer the way they used to be. There needs not even be a reason why she behaves now whichever way she chooses to towards you, be it at work or outside work.There is nothing for you to try and read into here, whether she's acting pissed when you're aloof, or distant when you try to get close... *You* do not have time for this, not with her, anywhere, not with anyone at your workplace.You're a grown man, a leader. I'd suggest that you take the lead and put a stop to the giving each other undivided attention during work events. Consider that this might just be an act on her part, she's using *you* to put pressure on other subordinates, using *you* to be noticed by people above you... and what not. There is a risk that exclusively hanging out with her at work events, instead of networking/catching up with more important people, makes *you* look like you have *not* got it together.If there is a sucker for texting in super chatty mode in you, then I'd suggest that you put that energy into someone not from your workplace who, you know, needs/wants it.
A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (3 March 2022):
 She sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants. On one hand, she’s trying to draw a line because the level of you guys’ communication was getting uncomfortable, put on the other hand, she gets upset when she didn’t hear from you.
I think personally, that you need to take a step back. You already have a partner, and so does she, yet you are in a relationship website, asking for advice. That sounds a little too invested to me. Plus the fact that you guys are giving each other your undivided attention at work… sounds like a little more than just friends.
Just focus on maintaining a good work relationship, but nothing more.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 March 2022):
 "Everything you say about her setting boundaries makes sense, but when I try to respect them she acts like I'm the one being cold. What gives?"
She is probably playing games here. If she isn't getting your attention (too) she gets mad. She wants to be the "gatekeeper" of WHEN you two can talk. She obviously has some "rules" about it that she hasn't let you in on.
How old is she? A toddler?
How is this behavior (hers AND yours) conducive to a good work environment?
This sounds childish and toxic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): [EDIT]: Typo corrections.
"[Your] contact is too frequent, and she may not like how it is affecting her relationship."
P.S.
She is weaning you off "excessive contact," and is now becoming less interested in chatting with you. She has a man. Maybe she now feels you may have misunderstood her, and got the wrong idea. You could always ask her boyfriend if he has any problem with your "friendship?" I think that would clear things up in a jiffy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2022): Reading your post, I can sense dismissiveness in the tone of your remarks. To be understood as: "Like I hear what you're saying, but whatever!"
It really doesn't matter what we're saying, but I believe your employee feels pressured; because you're the boss. She is setting-up parameters; and eventually I suppose her significant other will step-in. Her willingness to chat may only have been motivated by the fact she needs her job. She feels a little bolder now, because she realizes she may have sent the wrong message. You contact is too frequent, and she may not like how it is affecting her relationship. Divide and conquer, by making her partner tire of her always communicating with you; and interrupting their quality time together.
You're basically not taking the hint. More or less insisting she should maintain contact as often as you deem necessary.
She told you as politely and tactfully as she could:
"Her explanation was that {she'd always been someone who likes to switch off during evenings and weekends,} but...
"I couldn't reconcile that with the previous six months, when she was super chatty."
In other words, she's lying to you? How do you tell your boss stop calling evenings and weekends, when you're on your own personal-time...and his calls are not even work-related? I guess eventually she'll have to be point-blank. It's a form of gaslighting. You pretend you don't completely get what she's saying. That way, you can totally ignore it!
My summation is you're attracted to her. You're psychologically cheating on your girlfriend, or wife. You didn't say which. You thought you were getting somewhere when she was chatty; and now she is ignoring you. The line has been drawn.
I truly hope her boyfriend does intervene; because you won't respect her boundaries. You won't straight-out use her job as leverage, but it's the feeling you get in this kind of situation when you're a woman.
Your post implies your interest exceeds just wanting to be a friend. You insist on having access whenever you want, evenings and weekends. Well, your hours of access have been cut! You're boss, you understand what that means.
If you message or call, do you insist that she respond, because you're the boss? Or what???
In any case, replies are optional on her own time. Boss or not, off the clock, if it doesn't relate to work; she doesn't need to hear from you, nor does she have to respond. If you don't believe what I say, or what she says, or what any of the uncles and aunts on DC have said; you can always ask her boyfriend what he thinks!
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A
male
reader, Oscar_U +, writes (27 February 2022):
Oscar_U is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys,appreciate your replies. There's a general consensus that I should respect the boundaries that she's set, which I intend to do.
I should add that I've done this in the past. On occasion I've thought, OK I won't call her today (she works from home much of the time), but when I eventually speak to her the following day she's cold and uncommunicative. I try to keep it professional and not discuss personal stuff, but she seems pissed off. So eventually I change tack and get more chatty and suddenly she thaws out.
Everything you say about her setting boundaries makes sense, but when I try to respect them she acts like I'm the one being cold. What gives?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2022): [EDIT]
{Sorry, we have don't have on-site editing for this website.}
"She shouldn't have to set "parameters;" but when you're dealing with your boss, you're placed in a very precarious position."
P.S.
Perhaps you and your girlfriend may need to expand your social circles, to include other couples who are unaffiliated with your workplace. Maybe you can spend more time, and enjoy activities, with your male-friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2022): From a professional standpoint, I think you're overstepping; and as far as your romantic-relationship goes; I think you're too emotionally-involved with another woman for a man in a committed-relationship. Being your employee, she's a little cornered into having to accept your "friendship." Thus, in your post, you've made it your business to dispel all presumptions or suspicions going in that direction. How clever and convenient?!!
You're careful to define the affiliation you have as "friendship;" but you seem way too bothered about her staying in-contact for somebody who already has a girlfriend.
Fraternizing with employees around and outside of work, sends the wrong message to other employees; who might feel your "intimate friend" will get preferential treatment. How can you evaluate job-performance objectively when you're so personally-involved with your employee? How do you reprimand her if she violates company policy, or criticize her poor work-performance, and be taken seriously as her boss?
Bias will surely come into play! Unless she's your one and only employee!
You really don't come across as someone with nonromantic-intentions; you seem a little more fervidly attracted in an amorous-way than you are admitting. It even drove you to seek advice at Dear Cupid; a site for relationship advice, with an emphasis primarily on romantic and family relationships. Oh, we have a broad range of relationship issues that we cover; but this one seems more in the unrequited-love category, hidden behind the façade of friendship. You seem somewhat secretly infatuated, or in denial about it. Otherwise, it would hardly matter how much she's in contact, when you see each-other at work all week. You get face-time all-day, isn't that enough? During covid lockdown, she had to communicate by phone or device for work related-matters; which gave you opportunity to take the conversation or interaction anywhere you wanted to.
She shouldn't have to set "parameters;" but when you're dealing with your boss, you're placed in a very precarious position should. What should she do when there's a nonwork-related disagreement, or if your girlfriend starts to become uncomfortable? Her partner may have decided, as her boss, you're too friendly for your own good; and she had to be less "chatty" as you've put it. She owes you no explanations for being in less contact; when the reasons and ethical implications are blatantly obvious. She has a boyfriend, and you have a girlfriend; and you have a boss to employee professional-affiliation. Where do you place the boundaries? She has now set hers. Observe and respect them!
Maybe you should concentrate more time and attention on your girlfriend. If you're feeling some sort of attention-deficit due to her lack of contact. That's where your romantic-partner comes in. She doesn't need to be chatty, or your friend!!! She has a man!
Better chillout before your girlfriend catches-on! My guess is she's already a little suspicious, probably checking your messages, and just pretending not to care. If you delete your messages and communications with her; then there's something you wouldn't want your partner to see. Be that the case, it ain't as innocent or appropriate as you're trying to suggest; and maybe that's how your employee is starting to feel about this situation. Take a hint!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 February 2022):
Maybe you need to put ALL this energy into your relationship and partner!
My guess is, she isn't sure if this texting and chatting and "getting even closer" is inappropriate for people who have a partner, so she will be friendly and chat at work but tries to keep it to a minimum outside of work.
Or her partner brought it up that you two are chatting WAY too much outside of work, so she decided to shut it down. THAT isn't "silent treatment", she doesn't OWE you to text you back constantly and entertain you on and off work.
Read the room buddy.
If she doesn't text much outside of work, then GIVE her some "peace and quiet" to LIVE her life and enjoy per partner.
So my thoughts are, cut it out. Focus all that chatty energy on your OWN relationship.
It's great that you two get along so well at work, but she is a coworker, not a bosom buddy.
Maybe consider being a tad more professional?
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (26 February 2022):
 At the end of the day, you have a partner, she has a partner, and you both work together and i don't think she see's it as anything more than this.
She nipped it in the bud, and quite rightly so because lets face it, its texting someone constantly of the opposite sex in and out of work is rather inappropriate especially as yo both have partners.
How would you feel if you girlfriend was constantly texting a male colleague outside of work?. Well i don't think that you would be to happy about it.
In my opinion she did the right thing, you are work colleagues and nothing more. Stop texting her and put your energies into your present relationship.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (26 February 2022):
 Have you asked your partner what their views are on this? You don't have to be physically/sexually involved with someone to drain energy from your main relationship - and that, my friend, is what is termed as an "affair".
None of us can guess why your colleague/friend has suddenly drawn back from constant contact with you outside work. Perhaps she feels it is inappropriate to be in such regular contact with someone who is not her partner. Perhaps her partner has seen your constant messaging and has said something. Perhaps, after all these months, she just needs an occasional break from you.
If you want to keep her as a colleague/friend, you would be wise to take her lead and stop pushing her to be in constant contact with you. After all, she is your friend and work colleague, not your partner. Perhaps the time you spent messaging her could be put to better use in your own relationship? I can't help wondering on the condition of that relationship if you spent so much time in constant contact with your colleague/friend.
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