A
female
age
30-35,
*lakjacq
writes:I find myself questioning my relationship more and more, and I don’t know what I should do: take things slower? Call it off completely? Stay with him? I feel as though most people who write in with a “should I stay or leave my partner” question already know the answer inside themselves… (leave!). However, I am genuinely stumped, and would appreciate as many answers as possible …please!I will begin with a summary of my relationship….. or as condensed a summary as I can write up. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a 1 and a half, and he just moved in with me (and we got a puppy). I am turning 21 years old this September and he will be 23 the beginning of October. I live in a house that is owned by my parents. Long explanation short I stay here and rent out room to other college students my parents live far away and don’t know/can’t know that he’s living with me now. My boyfriend was living with his mom but she’s been putting pressure on him to get his own place. I didn’t want him to make a quick decision and end up getting stuck a terrible situation on a lease that he’s bound to, so I invited him to come stay with me. Plus, then he doesn’t have rent to pay and can save up money. Ok, things I like about my boyfriend are that he is generous, clean, extremely loyal and honest, affectionate, an advanced martial artist, romantic, adventurous, playful, dependable, street smart, and many more positive things. He’s a real true blue genuine good guy and would never do wrong by me. His family absolutely adores me and I have grown to love them (they even hint at hoping he and I eventually get married one day). I often refer to him as my gay best friend who is straight in all the right ways, I mean come on, we did face masks last night!His inner beauty is wonderful; his outer beauty does fain in comparison. I am the more attractive one in the relationship, and people tell me I’m dating way below my “league”, but he is my “type”. (Black hair with bright green eyes mixed Asian/ white ethnicity). Sometimes I struggle a little bit with the physical attraction factor though, because I also like chiseled bodies like a swimmer, thick hair, and a strong jaw line, and he has none of those. I find him nice to look at, but I don’t know, I don’t find myself being irresistibly drawn to touch him and/or be touched by him. (I’ve basically had to teach him everything about how to please a woman… we almost broke up due to intimacy problems but he is so dedicated to making it work that he’s puts in a real effort to make it better and so I happily stayed around to work through the problems.) Everything that’s ever been wrong with us he’s always so eager to talk and work threw it. He’s really been just great in this regard. By now you’re probably thinking “Yeah yeah get to the point. What’s the problem?” Well, for starters he is not book smart; in fact I sometimes think he’s a little slow in general. His high school diploma was withheld due to not passing the stupid statewide standardized test, the FCAT’s. He could override this with ACT scores of 15 or higher but the once time he’s tried this so far he only got a 12 overall. I am very intelligent but feel I have no room to talk because I just got suspended from community college. I’m the student with all the potential that chooses not to use it. I could have gotten straight A’s in high school, but prefer to get by on my test scores and just have fun instead. Sometimes I feel like our IQ levels are so far apart that I’m dealing with a child. I get frustrated when I have to explain simple words, and he gets frustrated because he often feels like I’m “trying to make him feel stupid” as he puts it. Problem number two, he is very possessive and jealous. He is and always has been very paranoid that I will cheat on him. If I ever go somewhere without him say for example I were to go dancing with a group of 5 girls, the second I get back it’s. “Who’d you dance with? Did anyone hit on you? What did u do?” He considers everyone I’ve ever slept with in my past besides him to be “on his shit list”, and I had to stop talking to all my guys friends, because it made him uncomfortable and I didn’t want to deal with the hassle. ( This is something I always thought I’d never do, and slowly but surely over the past year and half I’ve noticed I don’t talk to any guys friends anymore….which was most of my friend base.) If I can trust someone (which with him I feel 100% sure that I can) then I am not the jealous type. I would encourage him to have friends of all types, and if he wanted to hang out with friends and some of his friends happened to be girls I wouldn’t have a problem. The visa-versa of the situation would never ever happen; he would not be ok with it for one minute and would consider that to be disrespectful to him. Problem number three, we have been moving too fast from day one. At six months of us dating we got promise rings together. We’ve traveled out of the country and within the U.S. together. We spend all of our time together. I wasn’t ready to be living with someone and I realize that even more how that he’s here. We constantly talk about our future together, if and when we’d ever get married... we talk about our future children… It’s one of our favorite past times to daydream about our possible life together. I feel as though I know it’s just daydream and for him it’s more of planning. But I brought all of this on myself, but I do it just as much as he does! This is my problem.When I’m with him I find myself swept up in his charm, and will to please, and I realize that, yes, I do love him. But when I’m not around him, I don’t miss him. I find myself plotting my escape, fantasizing about cheating, and so feeling suffocated/ panicked. Then I go home and hug him and melt in the love. The thing is that I’m not even 21 yet, I’m not ready to settle down, far from it, I don’t want him to be the last guy that I date. I’ll repeat that because it’s my biggest dilemma. I know in my heart that despite how I feel about him I don’t want him to be the last guy that I date. He’s a Mr. Right, but I don’t want that right now. Sometimes I wish I could put in him a cabinet or closet for safe keeping then take him out in about 4 years, pick up where we left off and then marry him. He’s such an all or nothing kind of person and I both love and hate this about him. As far as personality basics and how our brains work we could not be more different. In the Myer’s Briggs personality test I score an INFP (introverted intuitive feeling perceiving), and he scores an ESFJ (extroverted sensing feeling judging). It usually takes us an hour conversation in order to really understand how the other feelings, thinks and why. But we have these long conversations and so far have keep trying and trying to communicate, because at the end of it all we’re better for it. When it comes to the “hey, lets take a break and see other people, since we’re so young” conversation, I already know he will not understand where I’m coming from with this at all, and probably think of it as a lame excuse for ulterior motives. I’m feeling like… okay this is good this works… not what else is there. I want to live a normal free 21 years life but still keep him as an option ( know that sounds terrible), but it wouldn’t be so terrible if he felt the same way! I just feel so stuck! Help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blakjacq +, writes (12 August 2010):
blakjacq is verified as being by the original poster of the question WOOOOOWWWW. I requested from good advice from the best on this site and man you guys delivered!!!! Thank you so much to Maverick and Nick for your detailed answers. I appreciate both the time you took to read my post and to write your responses.
Maverick: Some things in my post I felt concieted to say, but you are right I was really just trying my best to be honest. thank you for making me feel that that's ok.
Nick: Your similar experiences have given me great insight
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (12 August 2010):
To start off it´s nice to read such an honest post!
Difference in intelligence is often an issue, though it has become a bit of a taboo subject because people generally feel that only those with university degrees etc. are allowed to say they´re intelligent. Ofcourse this is short sighted, as there are many smart people who don't have that ambition.
I think it's important to be largely on the same page when it comes to intellect and interests. Differences keep things interesting but too much of it can lead to disinterest. If you miss this in your relationship, you will probably miss it even more as time goes on.
Also I appreciate your honesty about attraction. It's a bigger deal than most people let on. Everyone is yapping about inner beauty and though they have a point our sight is one the most dominating senses.
Also, because you spend your time together and most of your (male) friendships have withered away, I really think there's a case of "too much" here. I mean, no matter how much I love someone, I don't have to be with them 24/7. That's a recipe for disaster for even the best of relationships. People are social creatures; we need to interact with other people on a frequent basis to be happy.
We also need that other person to trust us so we can breathe and I have a feeling that your boyfriend deals with his own insecurity by chaining you to him. You don't have a tag on you yet with "(insert bf's name)'s property" but it doesn't seem to be far off from that.
Now, what to do? This is going to be hard but you have to open up to your boyfriend and let him know what you feel.
- I wouldn't just integrate it in the usual conversation, because then it will be like a blow coming out of nowhere.
- Just tell him you want to talk to him about something important that has been bothering you for a while. Install yourselves with some drinks and then get going. Start off with a positive note, those things that make you realize you love him. Insecure people often take criticism/bad news better when it's started off with something positive.
- And then just tell him what you told us. Get the whole story out.
- Also, important: if he's the kind of person who interrupts a lot, try this: before you start off, tell him you would really appreciate it if he wouldn't interrupt your story at any time. You need to tell him the whole thing and interruptions often sidetrack you.
- keep the possibilities open, so he's not getting the feeling he's listening to you justifying a decision you made on your own. Let him participate in the discussion, ask him how he feels and if he recognizes any of this. Then try to work out what to do next.
- a tactic that might work if he doesn't understand at all is changing the tables. Describe the situation if it were him in your place. For most people, putting themselves in someone else's shoes is the most efficient way of getting to understand one another.
- Lastly: don't shy away for admitting your own mistakes, because this will show him that you're genuine.
I hope this helps!
Lastly, realize that if you two do take a break, it might be permanent. Whatever you do, it will always be a gamble. So listen to your heart AND head.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I have actually been through this situation myself within the last 3 months, from her obsessing about our future, to me wanting to just put her in a closet and save her for later. So i identify with you 100% from top to bottom of your post.
Its good that you're used to having long talks. I agree with Lindy you need to talk to him. Don't avoid the topic, start into your normal conversation and when the time comes up tell him you've been thinking, and tell him what you've been thinking. More than likely he's not going to like it, he's not going to understand. He probably wont even believe you.
But you dont want to do what i did, i avoided telling her what i was having issues with, and in the end, our hours of conversations turned into me listening for her to cry on the phone for hours.
Funny how as i was telling her we'd be forever, i was thinking to myself i need to get out because i dont want this to last forever.
And 'suffocated' was the exact way i used to describe how i felt.
So i called for a break, and forgot about her for a while. But she was still obsessing over me and wishing i'd come back so took my absence in her life as me not caring, and bounced to someone else. 3 months later im finding i miss a lot of what we had, and now would be the perfect oportunity to start fresh, set our boundaries again, if she wasnt in another relationship.
because of the similarity between these situations, i'd guess this is the way you and your boyfriend would react, maybe not him getting into another relationship, but with him thinking you dont care, then maybe you'll realize in time that you miss him.
From reading your last paragraph, i think it would be in YOUR personal best interest to take a break. Its really only going to move downhill if you dont re-establish your boundaries and comfort zones as far as marriage and future planning is involved.
The complication comes from you living together. He's going to be extremely hurt when you tell him, and he'll have to find somewhere else to live which is going to add insult to injury. He may not be willing to return after that.
As i see it, you have 2 options. You could either fix it like you have in the past, but for it to be 'fixed' he has to let you have your friends, your space, and back off on planning the future. Or you could take a break, and try to get back together down the road, and start off on the right foot instead of giving in.
Know that if you take a break, its more than likely not going to be a short break, its going to take a while for him to forgive you, and you to get your feelings together about him. Date other people, see what else is out there, and then in 4 years, come back and see if what you two had was better than what you found.
As i told all my ex's friends, its great that she's dating someone else. i'm glad shes happy but if maybe one day down the road we're both single again i think we should give it another shot.
I think thats the attitude you need to approach this with, and hopefully in time he will take that attitude too.
Sorry i answered your novel with another novel, i just wanted to try to give adequate advice.
Its not going to be easy, and its going to be a long road for both of you, but if you 2 were meant to end up together you will. If you werent, you'll end up happier with someone else. Best of luck,
Nick.
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A
female
reader, blakjacq +, writes (10 August 2010):
blakjacq is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your replies! I know I wrote out a novel to explain the situation, but I REALLY appreciate the feedback as I attempt to make such a difficult decision.
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A
female
reader, luckyirishlass  +, writes (10 August 2010):
He sounds like a very jealous and scared lil boy who is terrified of loosing you. Dont forget guy mature at a slower rate than girls, he's 23 going on 18 id say. you need to be honest with yourself.
your a smart beautiful woman, and you only live once. do you want to stay with him now get married and have a kid in a year and throw any other possibilities down the toilet? your much too young for this. You need ot sit down with him and talk about how u feel the relatinship is moving way too fast. Say your both so young that you love him, but want to slow things down. You shud also plan a vacation or a trip to stay with ur friends for a while, anything to eperte the two of you, as you might realise u reali miss him (which would be great for him) or you might realise u want to live your life and experience new things.
Be brave and sit him down. If your honest and gentle with him he'll undertand (might not be immediatly but someday he will)
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (10 August 2010):
 I think that if you two are used to having long meaningful talks you should sit down with him and tell him that you think you're moving too fast and its starting to bother you. Let him know its not him, just the pace of the relationship.
Perhaps take a break from each other. It sounds like you might need to regain your individuality and perhaps you should spend more time with your friends without him. It will give you time to miss him.
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