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Feel as though needs arn't being met in relationship.

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 January 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 11 January 2018)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I need advice about my current relationship.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we currently live together, but we were really good friends 3 years before we started dating. The past few months I’ve felt as though my boyfriend doesn’t give me very much attention like he used to.

I’m currently in college and he works almost every day from 2:30 to 11pm. When he gets home he doesn’t spend very much time with me before going to play video games. Sometimes he’ll watch a movie with me, but then he goes to play games. He’ll usually play from 12 to around 4 or sometimes 6 and then sleep until he has to get up at 2pm to get ready for work. I’ve asked him to just hang out with me for a night since he plays games every night, but he doesn’t. On the days he has off we go do stuff, but he still plays games at night.

He’s also on his phone a lot. When we’re watching a movie together or eating he’s on his phone a lot of the time. I pretty much feel like I’m eating by myself because I can barely have a conversation with him. I’ve confronted him about the video games and cell phone and told him how I feel, but he continues to do and denies that it’s a problem.

He also never wants to watch something with me unless he’s interested in it too. I’ve watched many of movies that I’m not particularly interested, but I watched them because he likes them, but he doesn’t see it that way with my movies.

Our relationship is still intimate, but not like it was before when we first started dating. I feel like I’m not getting the attention I deserve or getting my needs met in our relationship. Advice

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2018):

I would suggest that you go dancing a few nights a week. It usually finishes at eleven, then what with chatting and then the drive home you probably won't get in until about midnight.

The fact that you are out, getting fit and sexy and meeting other men might just wake him up to what is under his nose.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

You're going through what many relationships go through that converted from a platonic-friendship to a romantic-relationship. It starts to revert back to what it used to be. You both grow-up together, slowly drift apart, and become "friendly" individuals again. It may be only one of you who feels that way. The other may lag behind.

Allow me to explain.

I know why you included the comment about it still being intimate; but the sex is more out of convenience and availability. Men don't think like women. Sexually or emotionally. That doesn't mean anything good or bad, it just is what it is. It's a matter of nature and gender-differences.

Laziness may be only a small factor; but you're talking about how you relate to each other in emotional-ways.

Your deepest emotional-needs are not being met. He's somewhat of a man-boy. Immature or shows arrested-development. A lack of good-instincts. His needs are simple, and he's not very deep or complex as an individual. You're more mature than he is, in spite of being in the same age-group. Females usually are!

Although, all relationships have lulls, ups/downs, or reach a plateau. Life becomes routine, boring, or predictable; and you might feel taken for granted. In his mind...you're always there, and the novelty has worn-off. He probably thinks you're just needy and always complaining about the relationship. "It's a girl-thing." If he felt more about the relationship like you did; this would not be a problem. You'd fix it together. However; your youth has a lot to do with this whole mess.

As an individual, you need more intellectual-stimulation; and not to be so emotionally-dependent on a relationship. You need other interests and/or some creative-outlets. Something to spark your personal-growth; and you need more independence as a woman. Maybe become more career-focused. If you have no other interests, you don't have your own circle of friends; or if you don't socialize "solo" much. All you focus on is "the relationship." That's good, but it shouldn't be the only thing you've got!

If the downward-spiral doesn't reverse; you're reaching, or have come to, your expiration-date as a couple. You can blame it on shift-hours or his laziness. Then why won't he change? You've confronted him about it. Why doesn't he care?

You're not a married-couple, and perhaps it's time to move on.

I suppose in your own mind, you've created the image of a long-term marriage-like relationship. Maybe you see marriage in the future. He is subconsciously, or consciously, resisting any notion of that. He's there for your sake, and because it's "comfortable or convenient." He'll stay as long as you don't bug him too much! He runs to his games and goes to sleep; because you do bug him! He may feel crowded or cooped-up around you. Always wanting mushy-stuff! He hears you say "me" and "I" too much!

You've talked about your feelings; but the situation has not changed. Well, apparently the dynamic of your relationship has. The over-familiarity of being a friend sometimes robs you of the objectivity and separation of mind you need to see each other as romantic-partners; rather than feeling related like sister and brother, or cousins. You sort-of grew-up together like family.

I think the relationship has run its course; and it feels too-close, smothering, and routine. He can't help it. You're both very young, and need to go your separate-ways. See other people. He's tired of playing your make-believe husband and being your perpetual-boyfriend. Awful as this must seem, that's how it works sometimes. Maybe for your own good. Even if it was intially his idea to be a couple.

I know how these words come across. Frightening and discouraging maybe; but young relationships just don't always endure over the long-term. I could be 100% wrong; but you do need to think about it. I give you the benefit of my wisdom. Not to plant the seed of cynicism. It's just life.

Growth comes from curiosity, accumulating experiences, experimentation, and exploration. In your early 20's, you really need to date a variety of personality-types. stretch and know freedom. Date to find a better romantic-connection; or in pursuit of the ultimate match. There may be more than one ultimate-match over a life-time.

Don't adopt the mythical-concept of "soul-mates." I was in a loving-relationship for 28 years. He died. What was I supposed to do after that? Our "friendship-facade" was invented to hide the fact we were in-love, but gay! We finally burst out of the closet together! Came-out to the world! We were never "just friends!"

People often turn friendships into romantic-relationships; because of the familiarity-factor, no need to break the ice, always available in close-proximity, and the ease.

That's not always good for you; because you have to develop interactive-skills. Learn to deal with and bounce-back from rejection. Develop the proficiency to process, evaluate, and differentiate personality-quirks (or types) that may be good, or bad for you. Develop the strength to get yourself out of unhealthy or bad-relationships; even when you're in-love.

You can stay and keep trying to change him or his feelings; or you can finally decide that this just isn't enough for you. It seems nature has already called the shots.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (8 January 2018):

YouWish agony auntThis one is quite simple, really.

You said you've been together for 4 years, and were friends 3 years before that, meaning this guy's been in your life for about 7 years or close to it, right??

This means that when you two got together as friends, you were high schoolers, and when you started your relationship, you were newly-fresh college age.

Quite simply put, you had the mindset and maturity of a high school child when you got with him, and high school is LONG over. You have outgrown the guy, and you're not awakening to a larger world where the artificial sheltered life conditions of high school, and even the sheltered conditions of college, are now in your past.

Your requisite for a guy now isn't just that he's cool, or he was your first, or others have a crush on him, or he's emo, or he likes good music. You're starting to awaken to what a life-partner really is, and video games and a cell phone addiction and a stale sex life just don't cut it in the adult world as they might have in a high school environment or college fun.

I think your relationship has hit its expiration date, and you need to use your youth to find something new. When you do, choose with the eyes of an adult and not a high schooler.

Finally, when you DO make the break, it'll be tough at first, but definitely worth it. Remember, relationships aren't always about self-needs, because that's myopic and short-sighted. Relationships are about making each OTHER better. What this means is -- you need to first BE the person you are hoping to partner with. You need to improve YOURSELF, push yourself to make and reach goals beyond high school ambitions, and with your college aspirations, you are on the right track.

Break up with this guy and take some time to yourself before jumping back with another guy. Find out who you want to be, because your outlook on the world has been skewed because you spent an extended amount of time with this other guy. You might very well find out that the stuff you thought was important and attractive in a guy is no longer enough.

Not only should you seek a much higher caliber of guy, you need to BE a much higher caliber of woman. Good luck! In a sense, this is your second high school graduation.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (8 January 2018):

Aunty BimBim agony auntCan you afford to move out? If he had to put some effort into being able to spend some time with you, if you weren't on tap so to speak it might encourage him to put a bit of effort in.

He's got lazy, he believes he doesn't have to do anything to maintain the relationship, you've already spoken to him about how it makes you feel to be second best to his phone when you are sharing a meal ... like there are three people at the table, him and his telephone, and not getting a look in is you ... patiently waiting for a moment where he might acknowledge or share the meal with you.

I suggest you start seriously considering alternate accommodation and getting your finances and other resources in order so that you can move out .... it will be better to be living on your own seeing your boyfriend for dates than living as if you are non existent like you do now.

I wish you well

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