A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi about 4 weeks ago I fell out with a girl in college. I told her how she made me feel because in truth I felt intimidated by her. She looks down at people and talks in big posh words. I thought it would be honest to tell her how I felt and how she changed the subject whenever I spoke about something in class. When I told her this she was complaining about me because I'd walked out the previous week and was now saying because of this she felt insecure and couldn't talk about anything. Anyway I had to explain why I'd walked out because there was no tutor there and I felt like she'd attacked me again and changed the subject I was talking about. I felt she'd disrespected me.When I explained my feelings I was emotional and perhaps she saw this as an attack at her, but she got all hostile and started shouting back at me. This made me feel even worse. She made me feel so small and intimidated. She was like "HOW DARE YOU?" and "I AM SO OFFENDED" I'm writing in caps because she was shouting. I wanted to walk out of the class but the tutor kept me there crying. It was a complete repeat of my school days when I was bullied. So I sat in class listening to her go on and not saying anything. After the class the girls noticed how there was still hostility and this girl agreed that she felt completely hostile towards me. I said I didn't feel hostility but that I was scared of her. This made her further enraged and her "HOW DARE You's" and "I FEEL COMPLETELY OFFENDED" shouted back at me.The tutor took me to one side after the class yet this girl tried to object so I went to leave and the tutor took me into a class alone to talk.Since this time I have apologised to this girl and tried to make peace. She doesn't want to know. She blanks me all the time. Last week in class she and her mate started talking about how apologising was like confessing your sins and meant nothing. At which the two of them burst into hysterics. They also talked about how manipulative people could be. This girl has also wrote me a note saying how immature I am. I don't speak to her and try to ignore her but it's difficult. Her attacks go unnoticed because they're so subtle that I wonder if it's just in my mind. I wasn't trying to cover up my sins. I didn't need to apologise, but I wanted to hold the peace branch out to her. The thing that annoys me is she's on a counselling course trying to help others, but yet she's behaving like this. Is it in my mind? I don't feel like it is. It's causing me stress and upset and I just don't know how to deal with it or what to do. My tutors would rather turn a blind eye. I've asked to move groups, but they won't let me. Also who's the immature one I'm 30 and she's in her 50's. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say you have all given really helpful answers. I feel so much better after reading these and I thank you all so much for taking the time out to help me. All that you have said means so much to me. This is a very difficult time I'm going through and your empathy and understanding is so worthwhile to me. Every single answer gave me a different perspective on the situation and I could take something out of every post that will help me so from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you.
A
male
reader, Peterk5699 +, writes (27 May 2007):
 I'm 18 and was bullied in school and college about being, say, the "odd one out". I would speak my mind just as you have done and sadly it does cause harrassment (sic) and bullying and it can be hard getting over these things. It took me 2 years to forget about it all and come to the philosophy of: If people hate me that's their problem not mine. When I told a mate that's how I live I was told it was good and it also helps you remain happy rather than worried what others think. It can be hard at times and as I said above it took me a long time.
I'm sure you have your group of drinking buddies who you like to have a laugh with so if you ever feel like crap and wanna talk call a mate up (It may sound like a girly thing to do but believe me, it works!)
Obviously I don't know how much longer you're on this course for but as college works with school times you only have another 2-4 months to go and when you're finished you can happily walk away with some awards and leave the bullies behind.
As many people say "Bullies are cowards". And from my experience it's true. As they bully you they think that yo won't retalliate because you're scared they'll do something back. In a way it's a bit like a mind-f**k really.
I know it's hard but if you try and ignore her or pretend to not listen she'll get bored and just give up and either choose someone else or just go silent.
So, yeah, ignore her and don't speak to her and she'll get bored. I know you know not to but just don't resort to violence cos that could mean trouble and it's just not worth it.
Good luck though and remember: If people hate you it's not your problem it's their's cos you exist
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A
female
reader, candy00s +, writes (27 May 2007):
 This girl is the one who has the problem, she is being immature. I think she is mentally bullying you.
She must have real issues to be acting the way that she is.
If you can't move classes can you not talk to the tutor and explain that you are being bullied by this woman.
Stop apologising to her as you havent done anything to be or feel sorry for.
Dont let her see she has upset you - she obv gets some pleasure from other peoples misery.
Hope this will help you xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2007): It is a bit difficult to counsel you without being witness to what exactly happened, but I am going on your account that you feel bullied. So, I think in fact you are being bullied.
Bullies are people who feel threatened by others taking away their perceived power, and whenever you stand up to them or they feel threatened by you, they are going to cut you at the knees if they can....Interestingly it is usually people with a high degree of integrity and personal character who are singled out by bullies, because they know you will most likely see through their charade.
This woman has no real power over you, she is not in an authoritarian position over you, you should insist that you be changed to another group apart from her, and state why, that she is bullying you and you won't tolerate it....go over the head of your tutors or threaten to do so if they won't remedy the situation...and complain to them about this woman shouting at you.
You do not need to apologize to her, this just gives her even more ammunition against you, just refuse to play along, and don't complain to her directly any more, go around her.
Furthermore, take back your power, do not believe what she or other's are saying about you, they most likely are intimidated or fooled....letting her shake your conrfidence in yourself is giving your power over to her, don't let her do that to you.
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